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They Think I Invented Pizza Chapters 1-3 (and the beginning of 4)
2020.11.25 00:51 elsharkwalker They Think I Invented Pizza Chapters 1-3 (and the beginning of 4)
Please, see the intro post to this to understand why I'm posting it. I appreciate any help with spreading the word about it, and I'll give a more solid release date when I have one. If people enjoy these first chapters, I'm happy to share the rest of the book here. The only stipulation will be that anything past chapter 4 will have to come down when the book comes out.
1: No One is Home Everyone loves pizza, Pete the pizzaman more than most. So he sighed at the situation in which he found himself. It would be his last delivery of the night, three large pies, two pepperoni, one cheese.
The home had been easy enough to find. A green porchlight matched the delivery instructions, and at midnight, no other houses had their lights on. On that porch, he stood, waiting for someone…anyone…to answer the door.
Should I knock again? He wondered. Yup, I need to knock again. Knock. Knock. Knock. He would have rung the doorbell, but the house didn’t have one. Instead, the place where a doorbell used to be boasted a small hole. Exposed wires poked out. The paint on the wires matched the siding.
Should I call them? His eyes glanced at the customer’s phone number on the top of the credit card receipt. Then he dropped the receipt on his pizza bag, and he used the same left hand to fish out a phone from his pocket.
It was a windless night, a rare occurrence in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Something about it didn’t seem right. Even so, he didn’t need to worry about the receipt blowing away, so he wasn’t going to complain. He looked at the phone number by the customer’s name and called.
No one answered.
Three pizzas aren’t that heavy, not under normal circumstances… But after two minutes of standing there, they’d begun to weigh on his right bicep. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stay there much longer.
I should get them back to the car. I’m wasting time. And time wasn’t something he had that night. If he could get dishes done before 2:00 AM, he’d be able to watch when the new episode of his favorite isekai premiered.
Isekais were some of his favorite stories. They involve someone who goes to a new world, sometimes by dying and reincarnating, sometimes by teleporting, sometimes by both. In the new world, they live a new life full of adventure. Why couldn’t something cool like that happen to him?
Tired steps carried him back to the car. Once there, he placed the pizza bag on the passenger seat. At the same time, he sat in his own seat.
I’ll text them and wait five minutes before I leave. He lifted his phone and snapped a picture of the porch, sending it to the number with a message:
This is Pete the pizzaman. I’m here with your food. If no one comes to get it within the next five minutes, I’ll have to take it back to the store.
He wouldn’t mind if he had to take it back to the store with him. Whenever that happened, the manager canceled the order in the computer system. Then the employees got to eat the pizza… And if there was something Pete liked as much as isekai, it was pizza.
Some of his co-workers weren’t as excited about pizza. They’d eaten so much of it that they’d grown tired of it. One had gone as far as to say, “pizza turns to ash in my mouth.”
Pete wondered why he hadn’t grown tired of it. He supposed it had to do with his childhood. On Monday night, his family would gather, and they’d make pizza.
His dad would handle the dough prep. One by one, he’d take turns with each of the siblings. He taught them how to toss the dough, how to make sauce from scratch. Pete’s mother would prepare the cheese and toppings. Each topping got its own small plate on the dining room table.
A smile snuck across Pete’s face. Those were some of his favorite memories. He had a healthy, loving relationship with his parents and with his siblings. Even so, those Mondays didn’t happen anymore. His brothers and sisters were too busy with work or college. He was occupied with both: balancing work, video games, and school.
He glanced at the clock. Since he’d sent the text, five minutes had come and gone. It was time to head back to the store.
After he put his key in the ignition, he turned it, and the engine roared to life. He tapped a button on the steering wheel, and a woman’s voice spoke. “Please, say a command.”
“Call,” he began, reading the number off the receipt.
It went straight to voicemail.
“This is Pete the pizzaman. Since no one seems to be here, I’m taking your food back to the store. If you call us soon enough, we will be able to bring it back. If not, we’ll refund your credit card. I hope you have a great night.” As he finished the last word, he clicked a different button on his steering wheel, and his phone hung up.
Then he began to drive back to the store, moving with a slow caution through the neighborhood streets before reaching one of the avenues.
He hit the call button on the steering wheel again. When the woman’s voice asked for a command, he answered. “Call Zoey.”
“Calling Zoey on cell.” He could hear a few clicks and the faint echo of a dial tone. Then it rang.
Halfway through the first ring, Zoey answered. “What’s up?”
“They didn’t answer the door, didn’t answer their phone. I sent them a text with a picture of their house.” Pete slowed to a stop at a red light.
“If they call back, I’ll let them know.” She hung up.
He noticed some movement in the bushes to the right. When he cast his gaze in that direction, he saw a raccoon. It sent a chill down his spine.
Trash pandas might look cute, but he knew better than to trust the tenacious creatures. One time, one had snuck in his car through an open window. It was trying to pull the hot bag through the window when he intervened. Instead of running off, it went on the offensive. In the end, Pete ran.
The light turned green, and Pete continued unabated the rest of the way back to the store. He parked behind it, got out of his car—he brought the undelivered pizzas with him—and made his way inside.
When Zoey saw him, she smiled. Her bright white teeth contrasted against dark lipstick. She had her black hair cut at shoulder length. It was smooth and shiny with dyed red tips. “At least you’ll have some pizza for when you watch your show tonight.” Then her lips turned down at the corners, an eyebrow raised, and her voice took on a more serious tone. “Unless they ordered something gross?”
“Pepperoni and cheese.” He answered, slipping past her. In case the customer called back, he left the order on the heat racks.
He was in such a hurry that he didn’t notice her following behind him. As such, when he spun to head back to the dish pit, he almost ran into her. “Sorry about that.”
“No worries.” She flicked his hat. You’ll owe me for that later, though.”
“Yeah?” He shied back, her piercing emerald eyes staring at him.
“Yeah,” she stepped forward, poking him in the chest with her index finger. “You’ll have to share some of your pizza with me. And tomorrow when we play, you’ll owe me one of your drops. Nothing big, a potion or something.”
“Right,” he relaxed. Though, he wasn’t sure what he was afraid of. He liked Zoey a lot. She was funny, liked the same shows, did the same job, had a great sense of humor, and was gorgeous. What was the worst that she would do to him? Make him go on a date with her? Would she? That would be awesome. He went back to being nervous again. “Uh… Pizza…share…sure thing.” After an awkward few seconds of silence, he asked. “How much work do you have left to clean up front?”
“I’ll finish before you do.” She winked.
“We’ll see about that.”
An hour later, Pete was on the way home, excited he’d make it in time for his show. Driving at night was easier for him than driving in the day. He loved the empty roads… To be specific, he loved not having to worry about other drivers.
Of course, that didn’t mean he didn’t come across obstacles. Two blocks away from his house—for example—while on a residential street, a cat ran across the middle of the road. It crossed straight in front of him.
His brain took a second to react to the animal. If not for the single white spot on the center of its forehead, he doubted he would have seen it at all. When his brain did catch up, it shouted, ‘a cat, oh, gosh, it’s a cat. CAT!’
He slammed his right foot on the pedal, the tires screeched, and he came to a stop. The animal froze in place, inches away from his bumper. Then it sped the rest of the way across the street.
A woman with chestnut hair chased behind it. He hadn’t noticed her before. At first glance, he guessed she was older than him. Even so, she couldn’t have been over thirty. He kept his eyes on the woman and cat as they reached a tree, and the cat sped up it.
Pete contemplated helping them; he had the time. Part of him felt obligated to help. If he didn’t stop, and something happened to the woman, and he read about it the next day on a local social media news page…well, he couldn’t let it get to that point. He understood he was dramatic. In the end, it wouldn’t take him long to climb a tree and grab the cat.
Without further hesitation, he pulled next to a curb: parking his vehicle, shutting off the engine, hopping out, and walking toward the tree.
The girl stood at the bottom, speaking with soft words to the animal. “Come down, Max. We need to go home.”
While still at a distance—he didn’t want her to think he was sneaking up on her—Pete spoke. “Do you need some help? I can climb the tree and get him down for you?”
She turned. Where he thought it would surprise her to see him, it didn’t. Instead, her tone seemed expectant. It was like she was waiting for him. “If it isn’t too much trouble, that would be amazing. Thank you.”
“Don’t worry,” he told her, examining the tree. On the far side, it looked like it would be easier to get up. He looped to that part of the trunk and began to climb. “I’ll get your cat for you.”
He felt the woman’s eyes on him as he climbed. In a way, it made him feel nervous. He hated when people looked at him. If he slipped, or fell, or worse…like tearing his pants on a branch…he didn’t want witnesses.
Nervousness aside, at some point, he realized he was well over twenty feet above the ground, on a narrowing branch. He had two feet to go before he reached the cat, solid concrete below him. When he got to that point, fear replaced the nervousness.
One foot to reach the cat.
The cat inched away.
One and a half feet to reach the cat.
Six inches to reach the cat.
He reached for it, and it lunged at his face, swiping at his left cheek. His hand swung up to block, and he lost balance, falling face-first toward the sidewalk.
2: Pizza and Games Pete’s sense of hearing returned before anything else. When he remembered what had happened, the sounds he heard surprised him. There were no sirens, no rushed voices of emergency medical workers. The woman with the cat didn’t ask him if he was okay.
Instead, he heard…was it ski ball? Was it bowling? It seemed more like ski ball. Where both activities involve the sound of a ball rolling across a hard surface, this sound ended in a hollow thud, not with the crash of pins.
Beeps and bops accompanied the sound. It reminded him of video games, but not modern ones. These sounds were from ‘80s and ‘90s video games.
He heard kids playing. For how long had he been asleep? If kids were awake, he had to have been out for hours. Was he in the hospital? That might explain some of the electronic sounds. The ski ball sound might be a cart with food on it. But why would they let kids run around, playing in the halls? That didn’t make sense. He tried to lift his eyes to see, but his eyelids were heavy.
His sense of touch began to return. Air conditioning pushed down on him from above, giving his arms and shoulders goosebumps. He wondered why he felt the air current so pronounced against his shoulders. At that point, he realized he was in a sitting position, and he was wearing a tank top. Hard plastic supported his back, curving under his legs. It was a booth or a bench, not a chair.
His upper body inclined forward, arms crossed under his head. Was he lying on a table? He tried to open his eyes again. His eyelids remained heavy.
What kind of hospital puts people in tank tops? And what is that smell? It didn’t smell like a hospital, nor did it smell like the cool morning air he’d experienced when he was outside during the tree incident. No, this smell was something else, something familiar; it was the smell of pizza.
He could already taste the pepperoni, and that was the last bit of motivation he needed to force his eyes open and take in his surroundings. From his head resting on crossed arms position, neck crooked so he was looking to the side, he took it all in.
What he saw wasn’t a hospital. It wasn’t emergency crews rushing to help him. It was something he hadn’t seen in years, not since his childhood. People walked around in gawky animal costumes with gigantic heads. One was a bear. One was a giant mouse. The bear held a microphone. The mouse had a guitar strapped over his shoulder and a cup-shaped hat atop the center of his head. Out of the hat poked a tiny propeller.
They each wore goofy pink and turquoise shirts. The shirts had a Pizza and Games logo embroidered over the left side of their chest.
A non-costumed employee helped customers who sat around a circular, red table. Pete guessed there were more tables, but still unable to move, he could only stare at the one in his line of sight.
On the other side of the table, he saw arcade games, ski ball, and basketball hoops. The hoops were the ones with the ramps under the basket, so the balls return to the shooter after each shot. This version of the machine moved the baskets toward and away from the shooter. Kids occupied all the games, laughing and playing all the while.
“Ugghh…” he grunted as he used his shoulders and arms to push, and he lifted his head up from the table. Joints cracked and popped, but with each passing second, he seemed more awake, more alert. When he gathered enough strength, he lifted his hands over his head, leaned back, and stretched.
“Ah, good, you’re awake.” The voice was male, and it spoke in a British accent, one of the more proper dialects, one Pete would expect to hear from royalty or nobility.
He moved his eyes in the direction of the sound. When they fell upon the source, they widened, and his heart began to beat heavy.
It came from a cat, sitting across from him at the same table. It wasn’t a human in a cat costume like the mouse and bear from before. This was an actual, true to life, talking cat. Its face was that of a cat, anyway, covered in black hair with a familiar white spot on its forehead. In more ways than not, its body and size seemed human, aside from the smooth black fur which coated its arms and shoulders.
Pete assumed the fur-covered the rest of the animal as well. But he couldn’t tell for sure…because it wore a bright orange tank top, covering its chest. A print of a lizard wearing sunglasses rested in the center of the tank top.
Pete looked down at his own tank top. They matched. He groaned, embarrassed by the wardrobe. Then he realized things were much worse than the tank top. He wasn’t wearing any pants. This must be a nightmare, he convinced himself; I’m still facedown on the concrete. This is all happening in my brain.
Then he wondered if the cat was wearing pants. Then he realized it didn’t matter. “Is this a dream?”
“A dream?” The cat repeated. “It isn’t real if that’s what you mean?”
“Isn’t real?” Pete’s confusion grew.
The cat sighed, “let me explain. My name is Max. I have something I need to ask you, a request as it were.”
“Max?” Pete remembered the name. “You’re the cat in the tree! You scratched my face. You made me fall!”
“Let bygones be bygones,” Max yawned. “As far as this place goes…it’s an illusion. I wanted you to wake up somewhere where you felt comfortable. If I’m not mistaken, this is such a place?”
Pete glanced. Now that he took the time to look around, to take in everything, he recognized the joint. When he was a kid, his grandfather used to take him to that exact Pizza and Games. They’d go out together on a special day. That’s what his grandpa called them. They’d buy a toy at the store. Then they’d end the day at Pizza and Games. “You brought me to Pizza and Games because you have an important question that you want to ask me?”
“Right,” Max nodded, “now, you’re getting it. I’m so glad you understand. Boy, it is nice to have that out of the way. I worried we’d never get to the point.”
Pete glared. “You knocked me out of a tree.”
“Only because I need your help.” Max shrugged, adding, “should I tell you why I need your help? Or would you like to keep bringing up ancient history?”
“Ancient history?” Pete felt annoyed, and he let some of that agitation tinge his voice. “It was FIVE minutes ago.”
Max shook his head. “It’s like they say; time is relative and all that.”
Pete glared. He would have said something, but he couldn’t think of what to say. The only thing he could do was emote, and the emotion that swelled within him was anger.
“Oh, don’t be like that.” Max sighed. “I can send you back to your world. I can return you to before you climbed the tree to save me. You won’t have to die.” At this point, Max’s voice went from lighthearted to menacing. “And believe me, you did die.” Max let the words sink in—and for Pete, they did sink in—before reverting to his nonchalance. “But first, I need you to do something for me. Shall I tell you what that is?”
“You killed me?” Fear began to replace anger. Pete worried about his family; he felt disappointed that he would never know if Zoey liked him back. He thought she did, but it might have been his imagination. He had so much he wouldn’t accomplish: graduate college, buy a house, have kids someday. Would he never do any of that? Wait, he told himself, realizing he was going about things the wrong way. “You said you can bring me back. In exchange, what do you need me to do for you?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” Max’s whiskers lifted to show pointed teeth beneath an arrogant smile. “That’s very selfless of you.” Pete didn’t miss the sarcasm. “There is a world that needs you to save it.”
“Save it from what?” Pete asked.
“My job is to send you there,” Max explained. “Once there, you’ll need to discover your purpose. At that point, you’ll be able to grow in strength… become the hero that world needs.”
“This is crazy.” Pete shook his head. “You want me to go to a different world than my own, find my purpose, become a hero, and save that world? All this when I couldn’t find my purpose in my own world?”
“Exactly,” Max smiled. “I knew you were a bright one.”
“And if I don’t do it?” Pete raised an eyebrow.
Max squinted his eyes together, the smile on his face turning to a frown. “Then you stay dead, my boy. Your spirit moves on to whatever comes next. That could be better. It could be worse. Regardless, I have a world that needs a hero. Will you be that hero?”
The decision wasn’t a difficult one to make. Pete wasn’t ready to be dead. He’d do whatever he had to so he could return to his life. “Fine, I’ll do it.”
A smile returned to the cat’s face, “good.” And with that, the cat lifted his right arm, put his thumb and middle finger together, and snapped.
A white light filled the room, blinding Pete and forcing him to close his eyes.
3: Greenlake Blinding white…even with his eyes closed, he couldn’t escape it. It filled every inch of his vision. Then, with the same suddenness with which it had filled the room, it was gone. And when he opened his eyes, he was no longer in a room.
Instead, he was cheek down, resting in a soft field of full, green grass. His mind was clear, his muscles energized. As he pushed himself up to a sitting position, he glanced left. The emerald field extended a football field before it began to slope upward. From there, it became a series of waving hills and mounds. He noticed some cows and field workers in that direction.
To his left, the hills became a tree-covered cliff face, rising hundreds of feet into the air. At the top of the cliff, a rock cropped out, forming a platform. He wondered if it was manmade or natural. Either way, it would provide a great view of the surroundings.
To the right, the hilly fields continued as far as he could see. A dirt road split the difference in terrain before turning to the right, running parallel in front of the hills. At the curve, a footpath branched out, winding up the forested incline.
He stood, looked in the other direction, and saw a body of reflective, dark water. Green islands and gray rocks poked out at irregular intervals, coming in all shapes and sizes. Straight ahead, his eyes couldn’t see across the water. Though, the coastline wrapped around on the left and right. It made him think it was a large lake rather than an ocean. He could see a river to one side, a mountain range to the other. High up in the green mountain range, he thought he could see waterfalls. A snow-capped volcano highlighted the beauty of it all.
On the sloping terrain that ran down to the lake, at a distance of no more than fifty paces, someone had built a town. From his position in the outskirts of town, he could see the whole of it. Three streets ran parallel with the lake, spaced one block apart from each other. Many other streets ran up and down the slope, connecting the three longer streets. A single dirt road provided the only way in and out of town. It was the same road that he’d noticed near the wavey fields of green.
Other than for a large, yellow building, and a terminal with carriages, he couldn’t tell the difference between a residence and a business. The design of everything reminded him of an old European town. It was something that might belong in a Disney movie or Grimm’s Fairytales.
Pete would hesitate to call any of the structures a house. Instead, he felt inclined to call them cabins. He half expected a line of dwarves to leave one while carrying pickaxes over their shoulders.
No sooner had this thought entered his mind when he noticed a door open on one of the cabins. A line of bearded men exited the cabin. Where his distance from the town made it difficult to tell for sure, they seemed short and fat. He checked for pickaxes but didn’t see any.
“Close enough,” he whispered to himself, shrugging.
He watched other people in the town’s streets. Where most of them were human, some were not. His eyes scanned around, identifying the races that he could: elves, dwarves, halflings, orcs, and gnomes. He could have sworn there were even pixies buzzing about, but he wouldn’t be sure until he got closer.
“I have two questions for you, son,” a gruff voice pulled him away from his thoughts, and he turned to its source. The man before him was human, clad from shoulder to toe in worn, steel armor. He held a shield in his left hand; a sword hung from his left hip. Well-groomed, brown hair sat atop his head, parted on the left. The bushy mustache over the man’s lip reminded him of a caterpillar that seemed to crawl as the man spoke. “First, are you okay?”
“Good,” the man sighed, “then, son, my second question is this… What in the name of the moderators are you wearing?”
Wearing? Pete’s eyes widened in horror when he remembered his pantless, tank top look. He glanced down and sighed with relief. He was back in his pizza uniform.
“It’s the uniform that my job gave me,” Pete explained. When Pete said his first word to the guard, he noticed something strange. A name appeared above the guard’s head. It read Nick Warman. Next to the name, Pete saw LVL 10. It reminded him of playing a massive multiplayer online role playing game but in real life. MMORPG’s were his favorite games, so he thought it was cool.
“Job?” The guard repeated. Eyes squinting, he looked Pete’s vestment up and down, an incredulous frown on his face. The eccentric mustache accented the expression. “And what kind of job do you do?”
“I work in food,” Pete answered, pulling off his hat and pointing at the logo. “See. Pizza.”
“Pizza?” The guard shook his head. “I’ve never heard of that? Is it better than steak?” Before Pete could answer, the frown on the guard’s face disappeared, and the guard began to laugh in a high pitched giggle. It was a weird contrast to his deep voice. “Of course, it isn’t as good as steak. Nothing is as good as steak.”
Did Nick Warman tell a joke and then laugh at his own joke? Pete couldn’t tell for sure. “I’ll have to make you a pizza sometime.” Pete offered. “You might like it.”
“It is possible,” the guard began to regain his composure. “You stay out of trouble. Okay, son? I’m going to continue my rounds. Have a nice day. Welcome to Greenlake.”
“Yeah,” Pete said, “you, too.” Greenlake must be the name of the town, he realized. Seems appropriate.
As the guard walked away, his armor clanked. Pete watched the clanking man for a few seconds. All the while, he wondered what to do next. The cat had said that Pete had to become a hero. How could he do that? As he contemplated these things, a fly landed on Pete’s neck. By reflex, he swung his palm up, slapping…and connecting. At the same second he killed the insect, he heard a chime, and a text box appeared, filling his vision.
4: Flies Give One XP Looking at the white words against the blue background, he read the prompt.
You defeated the fly! You gained one experience point!
While his eyes traced along with the words, an ominous voice spoke. He knew he was the only one who could hear it. Even so, it was loud and tangible, each word echoing. He reread the prompt, and the voice read with him.
You defeated the fly! You gained one experience point!
Then he decided to try something. He began at the beginning of the prompt again.
He stopped, and so did the voice. Then he read the prompt, again, repeating words and jumping back and forth between others. The voice read whichever word he did, creating a weird kind of beatbox.
You defeated… defeated… you…defeated… fly… defeated… You defeated the fly. Point. Point. Point. Defeated… defeated. You defeated the fly. Point.
Pete chuckled, amused with the makeshift song. Then he asked himself, “how do I close this window. He saw an X on a tab in the top right. Before he could figure out what to do with it, another prompt came, covering the first one.
You gained .5 slapping proficiency.
A third box appeared.
You gained .5 slapping defense.
Slapping defense? He wondered. Did I raise my defense by slapping myself? If that’s the case, building up my defense won’t be difficult at all. He slapped himself on the chest.
You gained .5 slapping proficiency. Slapping proficiency raises to level one.
You gained .5 slapping defense. Slapping defense raises to level one.
Pete continued to slap himself until his proficiency and defense both raised to level ten. At that point, he stopped receiving bonuses for slapping himself, so he stopped slapping himself; there is no point in slapping yourself if you don’t get anything out of it.
Though he couldn’t see straight ahead, not with all the prompts filling his vision. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed some people staring at him. When Pete realized he had an audience, he tried to focus on something positive. At least he was wearing pants. That made his situation better than when he had been in the pizza and games with Max. So what if he was slapping himself?
Before he did anything else, he wanted to figure out how to close the prompts, so he tried a few things. First, he lifted his hand, trying to push at the tab with the X. It didn’t work…he noticed more people watching him. “Gah,” he whispered, no longer able to compartmentalize, grumbling about how much he hated when people watched him.
After poking his finger in the air didn’t work, he tried using his whole hand. He tried pulling down from the tab. He tried staring at the X and willing the menu to close. Nothing worked.
Since he couldn’t close the menus, he wondered if he could open his status screen. Once there, he figured he’d find a tutorial. The tutorial would show him how to close windows.
But how could he open his status menu? When he thought about it, a notification appeared.
Open status menu?
Yes, he said in his mind, hoping it would work to open the menu. A new prompt appeared over the last one:
Confirm opening status menu?
“Yes,” he shouted aloud. “YES!” As he shouted, people continued to stare. He looked away from them, and after a short delay, his status menu opened.
His main status screen opened.
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2020.11.24 22:50 BethesdaGameStudios_ Fallout 76: Steel Dawn Update Notes – November 24, 2020
Hi, everyone! We've decided to release the Steel Dawn Update a week early on all platforms, and we expect Fallout 76 will be back online between 9:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. ET. You can head here on Fallout.com to catch more details
. While we're offline for maintenance, please feel free to check out the patch notes below: Today marks the release of our Steel Dawn Update, and with it, the return of the Brotherhood of Steel to Appalachia. Take on the Steel Dawn questline, meet new characters, explore new locations, and lay claim to some new rewards. This update also introduces the C.A.M.P. Shelters feature, hunger and thirst improvements, and much more. Read on to catch the patch notes.
- Ad Victoriam!: The Brotherhood of Steel is back! Explore the first chapter of their story, meet new characters, visit new and updated locations, and unlock rewards as you experience the all-new Steel Dawn questline.
- Head Underground: Flex those creative muscles by building out your very own instanced interiors with our first three C.A.M.P. Shelters.
- Gear Up: Complete Steel Dawn quests and take on Daily Ops to earn new weapons and armor that are straight from the Brotherhood arsenal.
- Don’t Just Survive, Thrive!: We’ve removed all negative effects from Hunger and Thirst. Instead, you’ll receive buffs that increase based on how well fed and hydrated you are.
- Save Those Atoms: (Coming December 1) Already have some of the items in an Atomic Shop bundle? No problem! Bundle prices now lower automatically if you already own any items they contain.
Update Version 126.96.36.199 Check the download sizes below for today’s patch on your platform of choice:
- PC (Bethesda.net): 8.3 GB
- PC (Microsoft Store): 16.4 GB
- PC (Steam): 8.8 GB
- PlayStation 4: 15.2 GB
- Xbox One: 16.0 GB
New Steel Dawn Questline The Brotherhood of Steel has returned to Appalachia on a mission to reclaim the region for humanity, to preserve any tech they can find, and to find out what befell Paladin Taggerdy and her crew. Starting today, you can begin your journey with the Brotherhood of Steel and work toward a brighter future for Appalachia in the all-new Steel Dawn questline.
- Complete New Quests: Meet the new Brotherhood arrivals and begin your journey through the Steel Dawn questline by heading to Fort Atlas (formerly ATLAS Observatory) in the Savage Divide region of Appalachia.
- Your level 20+ characters can begin the Steel Dawn quests immediately, even if you haven’t completed any prior Fallout 76 quest content.
- When you log in with an eligible character, a quest called “Welcome to the Neighborhood” will prompt you to visit Fort Atlas.
- Please note: You can now Fast Travel to Fort Atlas for free. However, if you had already discovered ATLAS Observatory before to today’s update, its icon will no longer be visible on your Map. You will need to revisit the area to discover Fort Atlas, which will cause its Map marker to appear.
- Meet New Faces: Get acquainted with new characters, like Paladin Rahmani, Knight Shin, Scribe Valdez, and many others who have arrived in Appalachia with the Steel Dawn Update.
- Explore New locations: We’ve added several new locations and updated a number of existing ones that you’ll delve into during your journey with the Brotherhood.
- Gear Up with New Rewards: Progress through the Steel Dawn questline and complete Daily Ops to earn a host of cosmetic, C.A.M.P., and item rewards, including the following new weapons and armor straight from the Brotherhood arsenal:
- Crusader Pistol
- Plasma Cutter
- Hellstorm Missile Launcher
- Brotherhood Recon Armor
- You can purchase a variety of mods for these new items from Regs in Vault 79 using Gold Bullion, including mods that can alter each weapon to deal various types of elemental damage.
- Main Menu Updates: The Brotherhood has taken over the game’s Main Menu with an all-new background video and music.
C.A.M.P. Shelters Head underground with C.A.M.P. Shelters, which are instanced interiors that you can add to your C.A.M.P. and customize to flex your creativity as a builder.
- We’ve added a brief new quest, called “Home Expansion,” to the game that all players must complete in order to gain access to the C.A.M.P. Shelters feature.
- Begin the “Home Expansion” quest by reading a Shelters Claim Center poster in Train Stations throughout Appalachia. Or, find your way inside the Claim Center by locating a key in the northern Forest region.
- With today’s update, we’re introducing our first three C.A.M.P. Shelters, which each offer a different sized space to build in, and feature their own layouts and styles.
- Vault Utility Room: After completing the “Home Expansion” quest, all players can claim the Vault Utility Room for free in the Atomic Shop.
- Please Note: Since we decided to release Steel Dawn early, only the Vault Utility Room will be available on November 24. The Vault Lobby and Atrium described below will arrive at a later date.
- Vault Lobby: Fallout 1st Members can claim this medium-sized Shelter this month in the Fallout 1st section of the Atomic Shop. In the future, it will be available to all players for Atoms.
- Vault Atrium: The largest of our first three Shelters, the Vault Atrium can be purchased using Atoms.
- Once you’ve claimed a C.A.M.P. Shelter, you can access its interior by building the associated Shelter Entrance in your C.A.M.P.
- Your C.A.M.P. can contain one of each type of Shelter that you own, and you can build multiple Entrances to the same Shelter.
- Find your available Shelter Entrances by scrolling to the new “Shelters” category in the C.A.M.P. Build Menu. Select the Entrance you’d like to build, and then head inside.
- Every Shelter has its own build budget that is separate from your main C.A.M.P., as well as any other Shelters you’ve built.
- Your Shelter interiors will be saved as you build, so you won’t lose anything if you relocate your C.A.M.P., move your Shelter Entrances, or if your Entrances get destroyed.
- Since they are instanced, Shelters are able to offer sizable build budgets. Currently, each of our first three Shelters have larger budgets than your main C.A.M.P.
- We’ve relaxed certain build restrictions inside Shelters by introducing a “Toggle Snapping” option that you can turn off to place objects anywhere you’d like, or turn on to snap objects to each other or the build grid.
- Additionally, use the Shelter Control Panel inside of each C.A.M.P. Shelter to quickly scrap or repair everything you’ve built so far.
Dynamic Bundle Pricing
- Please Note: Since we decided to release Steel Dawn early, Dynamic Bundles will not be available until our original patch date of December 1.
- A common suggestion we’ve received from Atomic Shop aficionados has been to reduce bundle prices for players who already own some of the items they contain. With today’s update, we’ve added pricing tech that will do just that.
- Going forward, if you own one or more items in a bundle, its Atom price will automatically reduce accordingly. The more items you already have, the lower your adjusted price.
- Bundles that have been adjusted this way will now display your price vs. the original price.
- Items you already own will be marked in each Bundle’s description.
- We’ve also added a new “Bundles” category to the left-hand side of the Atomic Shop menu so that you can more easily find all of the bundles that are currently available without having to hunt for them on multiple pages.
Additional Atomic Shop Updates
- Backpack Flair: Add even more personality to your characters with Backpack Flair! We’ve added two Backpack Flair slots to the modify menu for Backpacks that you can use to add cosmetic Flair.
- Going forward, keep an eye out for different Backpack Flairs that you can unlock in the Atomic Shop, claim from Season Scoreboards, or earn as rewards in-game.
- Backpacks you crafted prior to the Steel Dawn Update will not have Backpack Flair mod slots. Craft new versions of your Backpacks to cause the Backpack Flair slots to appear.
- Please Note: While the Backpack Flair system is live as of November 24, Flairs themselves are not yet available. We will let you know as soon as we add them on a later date.
- Fallout 1st: Items that have special discounts for Fallout 1st Members will now appear in the Fallout 1st section of the Atomic Shop while they are on sale.
- These items will now also display a Fallout 1st icon, both in the Fallout 1st category and in their appropriate sub categories in the Atomic Shop.
- Lunchboxes: In addition to earning Lunchbox rewards from a Season Scoreboard, or buying them with Gold Bullion in-game, you can now purchase them for Atoms in the Atomic Shop.
- Please Note: Since we decided to release Steel Dawn early, Lunchboxes will not be available in the Shop until our original patch date of December 1.
- Lunchbox buff descriptions and the chances to receive each buff have been added to the “Lunchboxes” section of the Help Menu.
- New Items: We’ve added a number of new rare rewards that you can earn by completing Daily Ops. They include Plans to craft Brotherhood Recon Armor, the Crusader Pistol, Plasma Cutter, and Hellstorm Missile Launcher.
- Plan Rewards: Say goodbye to duplicate Plans! Non-tradeable item Plans that can be awarded by Daily Ops, like the War Glaive Plan, will no longer continue to drop as rewards after you’ve learned them.
- Mutations and Enemies: To help keep Daily Ops feeling fresh each day, we’ve made an adjustment to prevent the same enemy mutation and faction from appearing two days in a row.
Hunger and Thirst Updates
- We agree with feedback from the community that our hunger and thirst mechanics could feel a little too punishing. We’ve decided to remove the negative effects when you’re hungry or thirsty, and buff up the bonuses you receive when you’re fed and hydrated.
- Going forward, your Action Points, Health, and Disease Resists will no longer be negatively affected when you haven’t had anything to eat or drink recently.
- Instead, you will receive buffs that increase depending on how full your hunger and thirst meters are:
- Hunger: Gain +15 Max HP when partially fed, up to +35 Max HP, +35% Disease Resist, and +1 Strength when fully fed.
- Thirst: Gain +15% AP Regeneration when partially hydrated, up to +35% AP Regeneration, +35% Disease Resist, and +1 Endurance when fully hydrated.
- Pacifist Mode: When Pacifist Mode becomes available to new characters at level 5, it will now be toggled on by default.
- Map: Added a Fast Travel point and Map marker for Vault 51.
- Settler Forager: Players can once again receive Daily Quests from the Settler Forager Ally.
Art & Graphics
- Animations: Human NPCs that have both legs crippled no longer appear to fall down and then immediately stand back up. Instead, they will remain standing, but they will remain immobile until one leg is healed.
- Power Armor:** Players’ posteriors are now properly protected while wearing Enclave Power Armor.
- Weapons: Turbo-Fert Fertilizer Grenades no longer appear to explode twice on detonation.
- Weapons: Charging up the Gauss Pistol and then holstering it no longer causes a small portion of the weapon model to disappear.
C.A.M.P. and Workshops
- General: Grass and small plants are once again visually removed when placing Foundations and other large C.A.M.P. objects on top of them.
- Brotherhood Field Station: Closed up a hole in the Field Station’s ceiling.
- Décor: Players can now build Powered Lawn Flamingos without having learned the base Lawn Flamingo Plan.
- Encampment Bridge: Fixed an issue that could allow Encampment Bridge pieces to remain floating in mid-air after removing connecting pieces.
- Encampment Fence: The Encampment Fence now spins at its center point when rotating the object in build mode, and its explosion visual effects also appear at its center point when the Fence is destroyed.
- Exploit: Traps now have a minimum distance that they can be placed from other Traps. C.A.M.P.s and Blueprints containing Traps that are stacked on top of each other can no longer be placed.
- Exploit: Addressed a C.A.M.P. budget exploit related to Wires.
- Exploit: Addressed an item exploit related to Collectron Stations.
- Rocket Rides: Can no longer be placed clipping into other objects.
- Super Reactor: Now scraps into Aluminum, Copper, and Rubber, instead of just Rubber.
- Explosion Damage: Fixed an issue that caused non-physical explosions from weapons, like Floater Grenades, to deal less damage than intended.
- VATS: Greatly improved the accuracy of chance to hit percentages when using VATS.
- VATS: Hits that successfully strike the target now deal damage correctly.
- VATS: Fixed an issue that could cause VATS to close when line of sight to the targeted enemy became partially obstructed.
- VATS: Continuing to fire a Flamer or Cryolator after closing VATS no longer stops those weapons from damaging enemies.
- VATS: Corrected the damage dealt when firing the Tesla Rifle and uncharged Gauss Weapons in VATS.
- Contextual Ammo: Enemies in Daily Ops now correctly drop Shotgun Shells when using the Fancy Shotgun.
- Bosses: Daily Ops Bosses no longer sometimes swap their unique weapons for weapons from nearby creature corpses.
- Bosses: The Super Mutant Daily Ops Boss is no longer disarmed after being staggered.
- Operation Report: After achieving Paladin Tier or higher, the rewards list in the Operation Report now correctly includes both of the player’s legendary item rewards.
- Vault 94: Fixed an issue causing certain doors inside Vault 94 to display a button prompt without any text.
- Blood Eagles: Can no longer be turned into Scorched Blood Eagles by Scorchbeasts.
- Earle Williams: Can no longer turn into an Ash Pile or a Goo Pile on death, nor dismembered by the Bloody Mess Perk.
- Scorchbeast Queen: No longer clips into the terrain during her strafe attack.
- Apparel: Fixed several instances where Enclave Underarmor could clip through different apparel, like the Bomber Jacket and the Pint-Sized Slasher Outift.
- Armor: Sturdy and Heavy Metal Left Leg Armor can now drop as legendary items.
- Armor: Players can now correctly remove Misc. Mods from Armor pieces.
- Armor: Secret Service Armor with the Weightless legendary attribute no longer counteracts cloaking granted by the Chameleon Mutation.
- Gamma Gun: Firing rapidly no longer sometimes causes the Gamma Gun to fire more rounds than the magazine contains.
- Gauss Minigun: The crosshair no longer persists on top of the Gauss Minigun’s sights while aiming after applying the Gunner Sights mod.
- Gauss Shotgun: Can no longer spawn with the Explosive legendary effect.
- Heavy Weapons: The Cryolator now correctly deals cryo damage, and the Flamer deals fire damage.
- Mods: Weapons that have Heated Mods applied now correctly deal Fire damage.
- Mods: The Refrigerated Backpack Mod now consistently reduces the food spoilage rate by 50%.
- Mods: Weighted Armor Mods now ignore 5 points of enemy Damage Resist in addition to the 10% they ignored previously. This will improve situations where Weighted mods had very little effect on enemies who already had low Damage Resists.
- Pump-Action Shotgun: Increased Pump-Action Shotgun Bash damage so that it is in line with Rifles and other Shotguns.
- Recipes: The Radstag Redemption, Mirelurk Boil, and Headhunters Headcheese Recipe Notes now correctly unlock the ability to craft those items.
- Thrown Weapons: The following weapons now deal the correct damage types, and they are properly enhanced by the Demolition Expert Perk Card.:
- Cryogenic Grenade
- Cryo Mine
- Floater Grenades
- Plasma Grenade
- Molotov Cocktail
- War Glaive: Added Copper to the War Glaive’s crafting requirements and removed the Plasma Core requirement.
- Carnivore: The following items now count as meat when affected by the Carnivore Mutation:
- Canned Dog Food
- Deathclaw Eggs and Omelettes
- Frog Eggs
- Imitation Seafood
- Mirelurk Eggs and Omelettes
- Mothman Eggs
- Pork n’ Beans
- Radscorpion Eggs and Omelettes
- Radtoad Eggs and Omelettes
- Radtoad Omelettes
- Salisbury Steak (Preserved)
- Yum Yum Deviled Eggs
- Herbivore: The following items now count as plant-based food when affected by the Herbivore Mutation:
- Cajun Rice & Beans
- Firecap Tasty Souffle
- Preserved InstaMash
- Vegetarian Ham
- Animations: Corrected a number of issues that could cause various world NPCs to play incorrect animations or temporarily stop animating.
- Fisher: No longer plays an animation as though he is using a terminal when he is not near one.
- The Overseer: No longer sometimes becomes stuck when heading to the presentation room during “Overseer, Overseen.”
- Whitespring Bots: Sentry Bots and Doorman Protectrons now respond properly when players interact with them.
Performance and Stability
- Client Stability: Fixed an issue that could cause a client crash when loading into a world.
- Server Performance: Players will no longer receive an error when joining a Daily Op while using furniture.
- Server Stability: Addressed a server crash that could occur when loading into a world.
- Performance: Addressed an issue that could result in a performance drop when viewing the Season Scoreboard.
- Animal Friend: Removed outdated level requirement wording from the Perk Card description.
- Chem Fiend: Now correctly increases the duration of all effects granted by Berry Mentats.
- Nerd Rage: Fixed an issue causing Nerd Rage to grant its damage bonus while above 20% health.
- Wasteland Whisperer: Removed outdated level requirement wording from the Perk Card description.
Quests and Events
- Ally: Thicker than Water: Watoga Underground is now properly instanced.
- Defend: Billings Homestead: Enemies no longer get stuck or spawn in nearby water during Workshop events at Billings Homestead.
- Free Range: Beefed up Brahmin health and resistances during the Free Range event.
- Project Paradise: Friendly creatures that appear after completely filling the habitat troughs now have a consistent max level of 100.
- Scorched Earth: Now correctly grants a 3-star legendary item reward on completion.
- Armor Ace Shooting Gallery: Joining a Daily Op while using the Armor Ace Shooting Gallery no longer causes its sound effects to play continuously.
- Boney Death Tambo: Added unique sound effects to the Boney Death Tambo Skin.
- Communist Bunker: Sound effects no longer continue to play after the door has finished opening or closing.
- Encampment Fence: Corrected the sound effects that play when opening the Encampment Fence Gate.
- Hounds Reclining Sofa Chairs: Now play sound effects when players sit in them.
- Theremin: Now plays one of two different songs, depending on the in-game time of day.
- Map: Bloody Frank’s is now labeled correctly on the Map.
- Scoreboard: On PC, pressing the Spacebar while viewing the Scoreboard in-game no longer incorrectly opens the Challenge Menu.
- Pathing: Fixed a number of objects in the world that players could path through or clip into.
- Pathing: Fixed several locations throughout the world where players could become stuck.
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2020.11.24 20:17 milkaddict221 I (29 M) feel like my GF's (22 F) marriage comments may put our relationship at risk.
So I guess I'll start off with a bit of backstory. Been dating my GF for a little more than 4 years. Met online and connected fairly quick. I had a pretty stable living situation with a close friend of mine and she had none. At the time I had a pretty good understanding of what she was going through and how I could help. Helped her get a job and she was able to find a home that she was able to rent a room from. Fast forwarding a bit, my close friend ended up moving out of the apartment I was sharing with him and I made a choice to ask my GF if she was willing to move in with me and of course she said yes with happy tears coming down her face. The catch though was that since our relationship was still in the early stages I had to share my feelings to her that we need to take it very slow because moving in too soon can really put strain on our relationship if we don't work together. She was and still is very understanding about it. We both benefitted financially too being able to split the rent up and save.
Starting out like this gave us a lot opportunity to learn what needs had to be met for us to function as a good couple. I needed my friends & personal hobbies to keep me true to who I am. She needs to feel love from me by being there for her family gatherings and for her when she is feeling emotional whether good or bad. It has been working well keeping the boat afloat. Overcoming a lot of stressful situations over the years we have always supported the others good and bad moments, making us a stronger & more understanding couple.
Now fast forwarding to the present we are living quite comfortably in a newer apartment but this cloud of staleness is starting to linger above our relationship at least from my perspective. It's hard for me to tell if my gf can see it too or if she is just living in it without realization. I believe in a balanced life where its important to stay healthy mentally & physically. Stay social with everyone that one cares for and finding out for yourself what makes you happy both in and out of a relationship. I personally am happy with a lot of my choices I've made over the years of friends and family to keep myself satisfied even with a list of issues that I'm still trying to improve on myself. On the other hand my GF has been having a lot of personal issues that seem to be gathering traction as our relationship continues. I have had the pleasure of working with a lot of fine leadership throughout most of my jobs and have learned to always move forward. I've been trying over the years to help her understand to find it in herself to face off against these hindering challenges. During the course of 4 years she has been working hard to make good consistent friends that are willing to be there for each other. It wasn't till recently that her hard work has been paying off and now she is becoming a lot more social. Even her family has started moving back to the state for her to visit more easily now. Which is great because part of the staleness that I'm feeling is just always being together but not doing enough constructive improvements on things that I like and things for herself. So just having a bit more time to myself has been a improvement for me but still not so much for my GF.
Just talking about my GF real quick she has been through a lot of traumatic experiences before she became an adult from her family and from other experiences like taking a trip to Argentina with a shit EX that treated her badly and then getting left in the country. Yeah sounds pretty weird. Not even sure if I still believe it or not but in the end it doesn't make much a difference today also she was homeschooled so socialness is pretty rough. So stuff like this has caused her to develop trust issues which have been affecting the relationship. Brings up the point of wanting us to get married sooner rather than later. My perspective on her feelings is that she needs a true promise that she won't ever have to worry about again. Which is based off previous talks we have had about this stuff. She wants a family and I want one too. We've communicated about how long it would take for me to propose to someone that I felt like was the one. I said 6 years at most. She was a bit stunned about thinking it was a long time but as everything else we do we became understanding of each others thinking. For how young we are and how early we met honestly I think 6 years might even be too early still.
Here is my main problem. The problem I feel like were dealing with is a lack of Self-worth. We are both overweight and have multiple bad habits that we haven't been able to tackle down together yet. I feel like all these negative aspects that are happening need to be handled before I would ask her hand in marriage. I don't want these bad habits to leak into a marriage because at that point its better to move on than to stay. She hasn't even talked about changing for the better after we would get married. Work wise she is only motivated to be a manager at a Culvers and that's kind of it honestly. She wanted to be a teacher but she kind of gave that up after some time. Just something I keep in the back of my mind if I really want to spend my life with someone that thinks so little of themselves for only reaching as far as a manager at a fast food joint. It's not my place to make these decisions for her but to only support what she is doing and try to give advice when I can but recently she just seems to take my advice with a grain of salt. I love Sydney a lot but I don't think she loves herself as much as compared to me loving myself and that's a big problem. I didn't fall in love with her when we first met. I fell in love with us being together and growing together which I believe is a more consistent way to keep a relationship together instead of straight up falling in love and making decisions with out good understanding of the significant other. Syd on the other hand fell in love with me right away because she could tell that I have very good character traits. But realistically I don't think that's enough. I believe if two people are to be together they should be at their best version of themselves and/or working towards that version. Sitting on the couch only because the other person doesn't want to be alone when I want to do other things that I love doing is not healthy. That's been going on for longer than I would like to admit and needs to change. Also her constant everyday need to be cuddled at night in order to sleep well and not going to bed crying has really been eating me away from our relationship. I don't even have a battle plan to overcome that and it is my fault for continuously feeding into it.
There is a lot for us to grow out of and I don't know what kind of change has to happen for us. I've thought about even talking to her about taking a break but our lifestyle is so intertwined that I feel like it would do more damage than good. I've thought about so many ways that I can handle myself better but always returning to the fact that she isn't able to keep up which then pulls me back down to spending a constant amount of wasted time not doing anything constructive but preventing her from feeling sad/depressed.
Really looking forward to what Reddit has to say. We all know that this year especially has been shit year and that the stress of being inside most of the time can get to most peoples mentality. So there is a lot I'm willing to look past if we can get the much needed change to become better versions of ourselves. Hope all of you are doing well.
submitted by milkaddict221
to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 18:52 HopiQuestionKing Does anyone feel like places are becoming desolate?
I go out a few times a month to get supplies(sounds like an apocalypse story). Every time, even before this pandemic, It kept feeling like no one is anywhere, less people. Comparatively 10 years ago Colorado Springs seemed to have more commerce, more people(which is actually more now), more fun things to do, and less homeless. At times it comes to mind that online dating and shopping have taken people away from what used to be a bustling place. Which brings to mind, are we dying inside. What with hackers making the world a dangerous place even on the internet, every last person has no where to turn where there used to be a mind wide open with wide open possibilities. Ten years ago we had more hometown restaurants. My friend who is a Freemason told me that with no hometown restaurants people do not stay a lifetime in a city because there is no hold place that tells you that the city is good. So, now we cant go out to eat, no one can people watch, If you want to connect on the internet, you cant due to hackers, and global warming is making it seem desolate. 10 years ago the sun in Colorado used to have more tell, that a day seemed like a day. now its as if its 10 AM all day. Though the sun is brighter from less clouds, it gives off a dim feeling on sunny days. It makes me wonder will all these holidays which keep people creating life(Valentines Day, Easter, 4th of July, etc.) will make the difference it takes to keep life on earth from depopulating. When I think of online dating I think of people finding their other and no one having need to go anywhere except for supplies. because that's all that's left. Due to conditions not being good people will not want to procreate(Lucy). I guess we all just sit at homes and become bookworms. And now that faint hum of a computer lets you know your a nihilist. We are completely digital now. And the posthumous become cyberpunks. I'm already wondering when the next Resident Evil that says shows how Umbrella Corp. somehow was involved in people trying to use pangolin scales to devise armor and created the current pandemic. Though I think if that game was made, Everyone would look at the U.S. as the country who created the Coronavirus for its own benefit and China could hate us more to make war. Which might actually be the their current goal. I don't know how I got here. Oh yeah, Desolation. I better go get a book. With COVID 19 getting a vaccine, I wonder if we will have regular outbreaks like the flu. In which case regular lockdowns. This place might become as quiet as England. I sure miss hometown restaurants though.
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2020.11.24 18:41 eroonlol I asked my friends to be transparent with me and I regret it
I (22f) recently had a conversation with my friends (both 22f) that revolved around jobs/working. Im currently on hinge and I’ll admit I’m pretty picky. I love my job, I get a lot of fulfillment from it, and I really value my position and the experience. I work in finance, which isn’t a life changing field, but it challenges me and I always imagined myself as a business woman. Ultimately, I want to be able to connect with my partner down the line when I really start to develop in my career and hopefully they are too. I’ll also admit that I want to live a cushiony and semi-luxurious life. We were driving in the car this weekend and one of them said I was judgmental when it comes to peoples job choices. This didn’t sit right with me. From time to time I have been ignorant with my comments on job titles guys have on hinge (thinking some jobs are lame and not within my realm). I feel like I have every right to be picky when it comes to an online dating app where we all basically judge each other off our looks. I texted them about it the next day, saying I wouldn’t want them to feel as if I’m judging them in that regard and asked them to be transparent with me if I ever made them feel bad. And they let met have it lol. Apparently, I come across as condescending or “ignorant to my privilege” when we talk about this stuff. I am a very aggressive person in nature and come across more blunt than I want. They are not really bothered with it, they say it’s a small thing that I should work on and I should be more mindful of in the future. It’s all totally valid and I’ve been trying to work on myself (I do want to be less aggressive and I’m in therapy). My problem is that I really love work! I’m doing a great job right now and I want to talk about my achievements with the people I love. Most people I know have a job! It’s a good conversation starter in my opinion and I want to know everything about my friends lives. They are my closest friends, but right now I’m frustrated because I really value my career and it’s a big part of my life but now I just feel like they think I’m bragging whenever I talk about it. I know your not supposed to be 100% aligned with everything your friends think, but I just feel like they’re shoving a big part of my identity to the side. And I feel even worse that something that makes me happy stressed them out. Have you ever had friends challenge your values? How can I not feel angry/resentful? How can I check my privilege?
submitted by eroonlol
to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 18:20 uNOTreal Need to be less sad for exams
Hey guys so as the title says, I'm really sad at the moment because of various things in my life and I also have exams coming up.
I can get assignments done pretty fast because its all writing shit online and it has a due date and it kind of distracts me. But things where I actually have to sit and study (for example study cards) are really hard to do because whenever i sit down and look at these little cards I just start thinking about things that make me sad and I start crying.
I cry pretty much every day to the point where it gets in the way of doing stuff.
I just wanna know how I can prepare for upcoming exams when i feel like this, what are some strategies to focus on studying when you're really sad?
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2020.11.24 16:25 rredsn0ww Should I (M19) breakup with my girlfriend (F18) of 2.5 years?
I have been dating my girlfriend almost 2.5 years. I am now 19 years old and when we first started dating I recently just dumped my other girlfriend of 3 years and got right into my current relationship. The girl I am with is beyond sweet and caring. She helps with everything such as homework or even attending class for me online for attendance if I am working. She adores me completely and would do absolutely anything in the world for me. We have hung out almost daily for the entire 2.5 years. My family also adores her. My girlfriend truly does love me and it is very clear. Unfortunately, I do not know if I do. I love her as a human behind and think she is such a great and genuine person, but I hate doing anything with affection towards her. I cannot hug her, kiss her, cuddle her, nor even say I love you. I feel very uncomfortable when I do. I feel like I lost the spark between us and I still hangout with her daily but we don’t show any affection. I feel like I am hanging out with my best friend. Also, our lives have close to zero intimacy. We go 3-4 weeks without intercourse. She never initiates it either. In the 2.5 years she has probably initiated it maybe twice. I have tried buying lingerie for her or doing other things to spice it up but she just could care less. I am not saying I need intimacy daily, but at the age of 19 years old I feel like her sex drive is close to obsolete. If we do have intercourse she always tells me to hurry and finish. Back when we started dating it was never an issue. It was Great. My girlfriend is a great person but the sexual life is horrible. Adding to this, roughly 8 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend and we took a 3 week break and in that time I stumbled upon another girl and I am ashamed of it but I did cheat. We agreed between ourselves not to see other people but take a nice break to heal and see if it would help. I did not follow that. I thought this new girl was so gorgeous and made me have that spark and feel alive again. We would hangout in secret and my girlfriend did find out I was hanging out with her and was devastated. She never found out about the cheating part. After that it happened again and again. I’ve cheated with 3 women and I am disgusted by my actions. I hate myself for it and am not happy or proud of my actions. I have let my lust take control. I have been in relationships since 7th grade consistently never being single and I feel like that’s why I just wanted to sneak around with other girls and experience other things since I never had that chance. Every girl that I have cheated with my girlfriend has found out I’m talking to them or hanging with them and gets devastated and let’s it go and forgives me and I feel so bad. She doesn’t know the truth of what’s truly happened between myself and these women. It weighs on me so much I ended up having to go get prescribed anxiety medication to help calm myself. Once I got on the medication I simply blocked all the girls I would talk to. I took myself off of all of social media and for 6 weeks I put my full effort into my girlfriend. I spent every day with her 7 days a week. We would have sleepovers 4 days a week. Spend days together straight and do everything together. I tried taking her out places that we haven’t gone. Tried getting food daily to just do something than sit. And I really focused only on her. In the problem it helped maybe a tad bit but even then I could not cuddle her or say I love her to her face. I just still would get uncomfortable. I recently helped her get a dog because she’s always wanted one and I payed for half and that was about two months ago so now this dogs in the middle of the relationship on top of my parents who adore her and love her. But to finish my cry for help, the final situation is that I just met this new girl 14 days ago. We have hung out 4 times now and she’s nothing like I have ever had before. She’s exactly what my “dream” girl would be. Head to toe just everything I could want in a women. She’s so short, so gorgeous, such a great personality. With her I can give her so much affection. Hugging on her. Teasing her and just having so much fun. With her I don’t have an urge to be intimate but to just be passionate and affectionate. I do not feel like this a hook up whatsoever. She truly likes me and in my honest opinion I like her as well. I want to show her off in public. Be with her all the time and she’s head over heels for me. I saw her over a year ago and always thought how stunning she was and never thought I’d meet her and finally did and I could not be happier. Overall I know I’ve messed up and honestly I would consider myself a scum of a boyfriend but here I am asking for help because I do not want to crush my girlfriend heart who’s so madly in love with me. Her whole room is pictures of me and all she does is hangout with me. She doesn’t hang with anyone else or do anything else but school and hang with me. If I leave her she won’t have anyone and she’s gonna be so lonely. She’s going to be so heart broken and it’s going to be devastating to her. My girlfriend is a great girl. Loyal, loving, would give me the damn world. But I just cannot give her affection or love. I would give her the world because I care about her so much as she’s been apart of my life for 2.5 years but I have done such horrible things behind her back and she’s clueless. I’m so ashamed and I feel so guilty. This new girl has my interest and I’m obsessed with her. She’s gorgeous. The whole package but I just don’t want to follow through with her until I figure out what’s best for me. I know I have messed up but please help and give some advice. I am a genuine guy. I have done bad things but I have also done wonderful things for my girlfriend. Spoiled her to extents I cannot explain. Helped her family with stuff, just endless amount of stuff I’ve done for her because I can’t show her affection so I found buying her stuff is a way for myself to give her a feeling of being liked. So every time we go out I might buy her something or spoil her because that’s the only way I can do anything without feeling uncomfortable.
submitted by rredsn0ww
to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 12:43 ThrowRA25394 My high school bully is dating my boyfriend’s best friend and I don’t know what to do
The title says it all. I’m dating and incredible and amazing guy, and recently found out his best friend is now dating a girl that bullied me in high school. For some background, this girl and I used to be best friends. I tried to be the best friend I could possibly be, defended them, supported them, was their shoulder to cry on, their wingman, etc. Things hit a rough patch when her and I liked the same guy, and said guy didn’t like her back and I didn’t step down like I usually do because I felt like I deserved to be happy with a guy. Besides, she liked just about every guy who gave her attention so it was hard to have feelings for a guy because she typically liked him too. Things went sour very quickly, we had another friend talking about us to each other behind our backs which only made it worse, and eventually it blew up and I tried my hardest to distance myself. She didn’t like that and told personal secrets and spread rumors and lies around the school. I got questioned and harassed by multiple people for a while which eventually led me to leave high school my senior year and finish online.
That was two years ago, and I’m still really hurt from the events. Now my boyfriends best friend is dating her and she’s already told them some personal stuff about me and spread lies to them. I am not the confrontational type, I don’t want to call her out but I don’t want to sit back while she is saying all of this. As far as I know, my boyfriend and his friends don’t believe/care about what she has said. But it is giving me a lot of anxiety and severely stressing me out just having her around because I’m always worried something is going to happen. It’s so bad for me I even entertained the idea of leaving my boyfriend just to get away from it because it’s freaking me out that badly. A lot of people have said not to worry about her and I’ve tried that but it’s almost impossible for me because she and some other girls have put me through so much. I am at a loss for what the right thing to do is?
TL;DR: My boyfriend’s best fiend is dating my high school bully and it’s stressing me out to the point where I’m losing my absolute mind over it.
submitted by ThrowRA25394
to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 11:26 coolcamels I don't want to die but I 'd rather die than feel this way forever, ya know? (Sorry, this is a bit long)
- When I was little, I rode the bus to school.
The bus was pretty hectic, as I think most busses were. I remember I used to sit by myself on the bus, or sometimes I’d sit by maybe one or two of the other guys I would hangout with when I was around 8. We traded Pokemon cards, and talked about everything Pokemon-related.
This wasn’t often, though, and most times I sat on the bus by myself, and I’d lean my cheek against the cool window and look outside-- zoning out the loud shouting from the front to the back of the bus.
I remember avoiding the back of the bus, because if I went back there, they’d find some reason to mess with me-- whether it was for being a girl who liked to collect Pokemon cards, or if it were for the big yellow spots on my two front teeth. They weren’t very creative kids, so the worst nickname they could come up with for me was, “spots.”
- When I was seven I invited my entire class to my birthday party, and one person came. The next week I went to another person’s birthday party, and my entire class was there.
- In the fifth grade, I joined a group of kids, and we decided (for whatever reason), it’d be a good idea for us to start a ‘band’. Going against my opinion, the group opted to not practice, and so when we got up to sing in front of the fifth grade class, interrupting the last five minutes of their recess as the teachers forced them to listen, we always managed to mess up the song. We once sang the first chorus of “Rolling in the Deep” five times through (we all forgot the rest of the words) before the teacher finally put an end to it. I got bullied pretty bad for that, too, but honestly I would’ve made fun of me too.
- In the sixth grade I walked into the hallway at one in the morning to find my mother crying on the couch, and that’s when I found out I was a rape baby, and came to the conclusion that I was a mistake to begin with.
- In the seventh grade I met a boy who became my best friend, and for a whole year I thought I’d fallen in love with him. One night, I sat on a bench outside of the church gymnasium and told him about what I’d found out the year before, and how I believed I was a mistake. Later that night, he checked up on me on snapchat, as I had left church crying, and he told me he loved me. I responded with, “I love you too.” The next day I saw him at church again with some of our friends, and I overheard him saying, “I’d never like Katie. She’s so ugly!”
I left church again for a few weeks, and stopped talking to him.
- I tried having a birthday party, and my best friend skipped out on it last minute.
- In the eighth grade I started noticing everything I didn’t like about myself. I thought I was too skinny, and I looked like a dinosaur. My friend told me I looked like Nicolas Cage, and even though I knew she meant it as a joke, it still hurt me a bit.
- I had to go to the school counselor a few times because I’d been getting so depressed about being a rape baby, and how I felt so lonely all the time.
- Freshman year of high school, I was walking to a class and noticed a guy waving in my direction. Trying to be polite, I waved back. He looked at me, disgusted, and exclaimed, “Not you, fucking bitch. You’ve gotta be the ugliest girl at this school.”
- I had made a lot of friends, and was pretty well known and thought people liked me. I invited 60 people to my 16th birthday party. 12 people came.
- In early spring I was getting noticeably depressed and was writing my suicide note when my pastor called me to have dinner with him and his wife. They were the only reason I hadn’t died that night.
- Sophomore year I saw a video of myself on the diving board. I noticed the way my body was shaped, and started comparing myself to every other girl on the swim team. I noticed how they all had nicer bodies with curves in the right place, and all of them were just generally pretty. I still thought I just looked like a bony dinosaur.
- I started going to the school counselor weekly because I couldn’t afford therapy
- Because of a shoulder injury I didn’t swim Junior year, and within that year I gained 20 pounds. I was happy to have gained the weight, and I felt content with myself for a bit. I asked out a friend, and he said no. I’ve been too scared to directly ask out anyone since then.
- My parents almost got divorced
- I re-kindled a friendship with one of my old middle school friends, and we became best friends again. Throughout our friendship, she constantly joked about how “stupid” and “ugly” I am. She’d say she was joking, but I knew she wasn’t, and she knew I was self-conscious about it.
- Senior year was fine, until one day at work I was standing by a group of three other girls at work when a little boy called everyone beautiful, looked at me and laughed.
- A few weeks later I was doing interviews for my segment on the school’s broadcasting network and approached a group of guys who I knew were on the basketball team. When I asked if I could interview any of them for the sports segment, they began mocking me, and if I’m honest it made me feel pretty stupid. I remember one of them did end up talking to me seriously, but it still sucked.
- I lost my motivation to swim completely
- I went to Walmart with a close friend of mine and when she walked away I was approached by some random guy who asked for my, “Hot friend’s number.” I didn’t give it to him, but I was honestly pretty jealous of her, because this was normal for her. This was one of 4 times someone has approached me about her.
- One night I was bored, so I downloaded this friend-making app (I think it was called Yubo). I logged on and entered a video group chat, and the first thing a girl said as I entered was how I am, “Ugly as fuck.” She then proceeded to say she’d kill herself if she looked like me.
- I’d gained 40 pounds since freshman year, and started to become more self-conscious about my stomach. I know that people preach, “All bodies are beautiful,” but I noticed that all the people saying that just so happen to be blessed with beautiful faces, or nice curves, or a body that isn’t ugly in the slightest. I’d spend hours trying to find “beautiful” people with features like mine, but even people who complained about having a body type similar to mine still had pretty faces. I’ve noticed that a pretty face in the media can compensate for an unattractive body. I’m not super overweight by any means, but my body-type overall is generally awkward.
- I started getting embarrassed about having not dated. I told people it was because I just, “Hadn’t found anybody that interested me,” but it was actually because nobody I liked ever liked me back, and there were honestly a lot of dudes I would have dated, they were just too good for me and wouldn’t have gone out with me even if I’d asked (because I’m weird and ugly). I even tried texting guys, but none of them cared.
- I tried to learn how to do makeup. It doesn’t do much.
- I got a dating app as a ‘joke’ but after two months I only got a handful of matches and became super depressed about how nobody decent was attracted to me.
- On December 7th I was going to kill myself
- One night I got super depressed and was texting an online friend of mine. I sent nudes to the guy after he asked at one point, and it was honestly because I wanted to feel wanted. He seemed nice, but I told him I didn’t want to send any again. He said that was fine and he understood, but I still stopped talking to him, and for six months after that I could get barely any sleep, and had regular anxiety attacks at night. I felt gross and ashamed.
- In February I got into a fight with my parents about the college I’d been working to go to for the past year. I ended up moving out of the house after that.
- I had pictures taken of me professionally. When I got them and saw them, I started sobbing immediately because of how ugly and chubby I looked in every one of them.
- I’ve been mistaken for a guy at work by guests multiple times
- By the end of high school, the only guys who had asked me out were three handicapped guys and the kid who threatened to shoot up the school.
- At the beginning of my first semester at college, I started liking this dude and tried hanging around him a lot, but he started ignoring me in public and never tried to text me, even though we hung out so frequently. It’s not a huge deal, obviously, but at this point in time, I’d gone through liking so many guys, and telling my parents and family about how I liked a guy, and they’d never gone anywhere, that even I could tell how depressing it probably was getting.
- I tried talking to another dude, but 3 months later he ghosted me after he was quarantined and didn’t come back to school.
- Realized how depressing I must be. My mom tried to talk to me about how it (you know, being unwanted,) made me feel, but It’s pretty embarrassing for me to talk about how nobody likes me or will like me
- Two days before my birthday I was going to kill myself. Called suicide hotline, and the girl didn’t make me feel any better about living, but I could tell I was her first caller and she felt awkward. I didn’t want to make it worse for her.
- Told my roommate about it, half trying to joke about it, and she got worried for me. By the way, my roommate was offered a position as a model, and constantly has guys flocking to her, and friends telling her how attractive she is.
- At this point, the only reason I haven’t done it is because I know my family wouldn’t be able to afford a funeral
- My dream in life is to become a mom and a wife, and to have a decent job and be generally happy. I want to have a big family that spends time together playing and having fun, and going to church together. Something I’ve come to realize, though, is that only people who are at least somewhat attractive (or really smart, which I am now,) find happiness. It’s literally scientifically and statistically proven that pretty people are offered more opportunities, and have happier relationships. I'm so afraid of ending up like my parents. After my mom had me and met my dad, she thought that he was her only option because she was a pregnant seventeen year-old, ya know? And they're not bad people by any means, they're just terrible for each other, and I'm so afraid of settling for the wrong person, but no decent dudes are interested in me at all. At this point I’m 19 and I’ve never been in a relationship or kissed, and if I’m being honest to myself, I’ll probably be alone in that regard forever. No guy is interested in me unless they’re somehow mentally impaired-- and I’m not joking when I say that. I know God calls people to singleness, but I personally can’t do that.
I want to fall in love so bad, and to have my own kids, and to have a good job that I love. I want to not have to be embarrassed anymore about the way I look, and I can’t even get plastic surgery because people would still be cruel to me for that, and there’s no way my family would support me doing that, and my family means a lot to me. I don’t like talking to people about it, because I know people make fun of the people who are open about how lonely they are, or how they want to find someone they can love. I don’t want people to look at me like they look at those people-- I don’t want to seem like I’m desperate. But then when I do talk to people about it, all they can tell me is, “You’re not ugly!” or “You don’t need a boyfriend to be happy,” but it honestly doesn’t matter what they say, because at the end of the day I’ll still know how ugly and weird I am, and how no guy is going to be attracted to me.
It’s funny, because people say that personality is what counts, and I don’t want to sound stuck-up or anything, but I consider myself a pretty decent person? Like, I work really hard to be there for my friends when they need me, or to listen when they need me to, and I always try to wave at people and make them feel like they matter. I talk to everyone as if they’re a close friend that I care deeply about, and I make sure they know how much they’re appreciated. I try not to talk about my problems unless they ask, because I’m afraid people will assume I’m an attention-seeker or annoying for talking about it.
I have plenty of guy friends, but obviously me being a good person, or an interesting person (I intentionally try to have a lot of interests and hobbies so that I can connect with more people,) doesn’t mean anything (in terms of dating me) since I’m not pretty or even moderately attractive.
Nothing is going to change. I’ve been praying to “get prettier” as I get older, but once you’re around my age, you’ve kind of surpassed your peak in attractiveness (at least for girls,) and I’d rather die than have to feel this way for the rest of my life. I’d hate to spend my entire life thinking, “Oh! Maybe I’ll find someone next year!” for it to just never happen. I know so many amazing women who have amazing personalities, who are from their late 20s to late 50s and they still get depressed because they can’t find anyone, and I don’t want to grow old and alone and depressed. I don’t want to die, but it’s better than crying myself to sleep every night for the next 50+ years over how depressed and alone I am.
I’m probably going to start setting aside a savings account for my parents and putting in money for my funeral so that they can afford it when I do kill myself.
submitted by coolcamels
to mentalhealth [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 11:20 lolz4holz Onestepmore2 / justbreathenicole / Nicole Grey
I am not sure if anyone remembers this OG munch - Nicole Grey. I have made a little timeline of her antics below for anyone who doesn't know her. I honestly believe she is one of the worse UK based Munchies. Her extensive abuse of the NHS makes me angry to my core!
Claimed diagnosis: - [ ] Brittle asthma (this used to be the main cause of her going to hospital however she doesn’t really mention it anymore) - age of diagnosis: 14 - [ ] Anaphylaxis/severe allergies to most things from food to sunscreen (fishing for MCAS diagnosis?) age of diagnosis: 15 - [ ] CVS/vomiting issues - she initially tried to claim it was gastroparesis but she got called out [instagram 2014 but has since deleted] and it changed to somatic. Now she is claiming it’s caused by FND. age of diagnosis: 16 - [ ] Seizures (that she initially claimed were epileptic, then it changed to non-epileptic when people called her out [around 2014 on Instagram which she has since deleted] now she is back claiming they are epileptic) age of diagnosis: 19 - [ ] Urinary retention. She doesn’t say much about this other than showing off more tubes and usually uses a foley Cath when she was doing pageants. Age of diagnosis: unknown - [ ] EDS - she occasionally mentioned this but was frequently called out by the zebra army... forward to 2020 and she now has a wheelchair for no apparent reason. Age of diagnosis: 20-25 - [ ] Fibromyalgia- mainly mentioned when she is trying to get opiates from ER. Most recently mentioned as she now uses a wheelchair..? Age of diagnosis: unknown
[ ] https://www.eastlothiancourier.com/news/18420071.true-inspiration-nicole-finalist-young-scot-award/
- this link has a full list of her claimed diagnosis... (Note: it also one of her favourite munchie past times- pageants.)
2012-2014 - Instagram (no screenshots unfortunately as she has since deleted them all) The start of the seizures and vomiting. She started trying to get the diagnosis of gastroparesis (when it was a “super rare” diagnosis to have) but Drs told her it was most likely physiological and referred her to a therapist. Every time she was due to see them she would mysteriously have a “seizure” and end up in hospital. They eventually discharged her from the psychiatric team as she never attended appointments and she took that as them saying that her diagnosis was not psychological. She would end up in hospital multiple times a day demanding a tube. There was a correlation between her getting an NG tube put in and her attending beauty pageants. She got her hands on some NG tubes (possibly purchased online but cannot prove this at all so just speculation). She would insert when she had pageants/weddings/family gatherings (basically anything that involved people taking photos) she would then remove the tubes after the event was over. (Note: at this time she has not been prescribed any feeds, she just had the tube in but presumably was still eating orally)
April 2015: the hospital fitted her with a J-Tube after she was getting admitted weekly with vomiting issues (although was not deemed to be malnourished or underweight at any point). She would frequently attend A&E requesting morphine and cyclizine for her unknown condition. I think she has an addiction to pills because she would always post about how unfair it was that they only gave her paracetamol and not morphine (as per her care plan that was not approved by her doctors) For a while she went back to some “normality” and even got a job. It was like her tube surgery was enough to give her the attention she needed. Every photo she took she made sure the tube was in it somehow but she seemed to stop attending hospital.
2015-2019 - I can’t say much of what happened here because I stopped following her because every post was a pity party post about how hard her life was.
2020 - she came up on my FYP on Tik Tok. I will try and break this down as much possible so it’s just relevant stuff.
January 25th: hospital with asthma attack, posts videos whilst in ambulance and intensive care. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSq4nx4d/
January 26th: hospital ER with asthma attack. “Nearly died” - discharged two days later. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSq4sbL6/
8th March: J tube has “hole” in it. Back on NG. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSq4t1AU/
8th March: start of the “Neil” saga, although no health related “Neil” will be necessary later on! https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSq4GQjT/
10th March: “why I have a feeding tube” video. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSq4uM6n/
17th March: hospital ER with “stomach issues”. Needs painkillers. Discharged the same night. Wearing Vog Mask (becomes relevant later on when she starts saying she is unable to wear masks) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSq45TfN/
19th March: hospital ER because of vomiting. Pushing to have tube replaced. Discharged next day as she is “too high risk” to be in hospital. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqV1M4f/
20th March: hospital ER to get morphine and cyclizine (the munchies love the two together?) and also to push getting a tube placed / her broken one replaced (during the pandemic and all non essential ops were cancelled by the NHS just to bear in mind at this point) Discharged the same day. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSq4EHKa/
21st March: hospital ER for morphine and cyclizine. Sent home the same night. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqVJunK/
23rd March: hospital ER with asthma attack. Given “lots of painkillers”. Gets tested for covid. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqVd456/
24th March: hospital ward. Complains that hospital is not giving her morphine as her “care plan” states. She need morphine. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqV1Em3/
26th March: she has fibromyalgia (but only when she’s in hospital?) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgqXmP/
26th March: she announces date of tube replacement which should be done as a day case (most operations in the UK NHS were stopped at this point because of covid. Only life threatening surgeries took place and people were strongly advised to stay aware from hospitals) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgnABK/
27th March: video to “prove” she doesn’t buy her tubes online. Doesn’t really prove anything other than she gets them delivered? https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgqUTT/
2nd April: has tube replace in hospital. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgg96W/
3rd April: addresses criticism from people about getting surgery and abusing the NHS during the pandemic https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgbmrU/
3rd April: addresses comments about her having fictitious disorder (she was called out many times but deleted and blocked the comments/users) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqggh38/
26th April: hospital ER with anaphylaxis https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgXjoC/
27th April: addresses comments about why she is back in hospital https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgsGap/
28th April: hospital ER with anaphylaxis again https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgW3LB/
3rd May: hospital ER with anaphylaxis https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgQeY7/
7th May: hospital ER for unspecified reason https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgX8TG/
12th May: ER with anaphylaxis https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgsTwq/
16th May: ER vomiting blood https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgpvBH/
17th May: on oxygen as her sats supposedly dropped to 30 and a nurse found her and crash called SHE TOOK A BREAK AROUND ABOUT HERE AS SHE WAS GETTING CONSTANT CRITICISM AND BEING CALLED OUT. A NURSE FROM THE HOSPITAL SHE WAS IN FOUND HER TIK TOK AND SHE GOT IN TROUBLE AS THEY FOUND THAT SHE HAD GOT HOLD OF THE OBS SHEETS (often left at the end of patients beds) AND CHANGED IT WHEN SHE SUPPOSEDLY HAD SATS OF 30. THIS HAS SINCE BEEN DELETED UNFORTUNATELY. August: she goes from Scotland to stay at her friend Neils house in Middlesbrough. Within a few days she was back in hospital. Hospital hopping? August 8th: Hospital ER in Middlesborough with anaphylaxis https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgKywa/
13th August: hospital ER in Middlesborough, unknown reason. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgWVxs/
19th August: hospital ER with asthma https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgKjK
Around now she moves in with Neil. She is very close with him and he now takes over the “carer” role, whilst his wife is seemingly okay with this all. 1st October: NG is back in as her tube has broken again https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgQLFx/
2nd October: ER with anaphylaxis https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgKkkB/
15th October: posts a video getting Neil to test her blood sugar from her foot? the whole thing feels weird as he is married https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgGR8P/
18th October: posts video announcing she will now be using a wheelchair (not really explaining why?) assuming this was not provided by the NHS https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgv9fW/
18th October: another video of Neil putting something through her tube as she is unable to do so? https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSqgqRyV/
There are lots of other things that are very questionable. I never want to question or invalidate anyone but she really takes the piss with how much she abuses the NHS. It’s already on its knees. Sorry if I seem pressed about it but, as someone who works in this industry, I am sick of seeing people abuse the system. There are many patients who have died waiting for operations because they were cancelled but Nicole persisted so much by going to A&E every day that it made more sense for them to just do the operation. Damage control.
The whole "relationship" with Neil doesnt sit right with me either. She has moved in with him and his wife but doesn't speak to his wife. Nicole and Neil sit in the bedroom upstairs unwrapping surprise toys etc. He is a puppet to her and how he does not see that I don't know... its a weird "carer" complex he seems to have adopted...
I don't know... thoughts?
submitted by lolz4holz
to MunchSnark [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 10:08 kurorinnomanga Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War: a lesson in how not to write a video game campaign
[caution again: spoilers for Black Ops Cold War, some minor spoilers for Black Ops 1 and 2]
[also this is extremely long]
Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War is a curious game. Not only is it one of the most content-stripped Call of Duties of the franchise's recent era, yet one which in my personal opinion is one of the most enjoyable ones to date, it also has one of the most politically minded campaigns of any game this year. It's a story about a secret history covering the late Cold War, an exciting romp to race to a nuke, one that has the potential to change history.
That campaign is also sheer garbage.
Despite being incredibly enjoyable, Cold War's campaign is a horrible mess of bad design decisions, bad story decisions, and far more. At times it is a fun, mindless run at a few interesting objectives, at other times it's the most boring take on evidence-substantiated investigation a video game has ever made. At times it's an intriguing political thriller about the Cold War, other times it's the most mind-numbingly terribly-written story Call of Duty has ever released. That duality is what makes Cold War's campaign both well-earned Call of Duty fun and an exercise in making you wish they had ever done anything with its mechanics, its themes, and its characters.
All that and more right... now.
Black Ops: Insert Conflict Let's get the big things out of the way first. Generally, in broad strokes, the story of Cold War is a small, limited team of special operators whom are tasked with stopping Soviet agent Perseus, a larger-than-life rogue anti-Western operative whose central plan is to topple the World Order and prevent the Soviet Union from losing the Cold War.
To get to that end, players are thrust into a variety of colourful, diverse environments, as well as intriguing escapades and missions, with some element of traditional Black Ops choices, that build a narrative around stopping a nuclear threat to the West. You are two people, for most of the campaign. Alex Mason, Call of Duty darling from the original Black Ops; and 'Bell', you name them whatever you want, an operative of variable origin recently tasked to join the team. One exception comes, but we'll cover it later.
Black Ops: Cold War tries an... interesting mix of the structures of previous Call of Duty games. For starters, new optional missions fashioned off Black Ops 2-style Strike Force missions return to the series, while the presence of a strong main campaign persists, albeit broken up once every few missions by a trip to Die Landerbahn, a CIA safehouse on the outskirts of West Berlin. These missions, Operation Red Circus and Operation Chaos, help to affect the ending you get at the end, although they have no major impact during the game itself.
In fact, even with those optional missions, the campaign is incredibly short. I blasted through the entire thing on regular difficulty in about four hours; on realism, about six. Black Ops Cold War features far more stealth segments than previous Call of Duty titles - just off the top of my head, Desperate Measures, Echoes of a Cold War, Brick in the Wall and more have extensive stealth segments built into their beginning or mid-sections. Desperate Measures itself is a pinnacle of the game's spy themes, having you play a single time as KGB double agent Dimitri Belikov in an incredibly open-ended mission where you have four main options to achieve the same goal of getting a bunker key. It's incredibly fun and really well-made, and the options are just free enough that one genuinely feels like they've managed to figure out something cool with the entire matter.
Desperate Measures is also one of the big issues with the game. Not because it's got some hidden bad - not really, it accurately escalates the tension and gives players well-crafted pay-offs - but because it illustrates how god damned boring all the shooting in the game is.
For starters, enemy AI in Cold War is... bad. Not only do most enemies, even on Veteran or Realistic difficulty, fire in bursts enough for you to simply tank the shot and duck into cover, but the lack of accuracy one can experience while running around in open areas makes it even easier to approach missions. A good example is Red Light, Green Light, in which the main set-piece of the game, a Spetsnaz training course set in a mock-up of Anytown, U.S.A, is really open and offers mostly rudimentary cover along its main road. However, getting around that and the swarms of enemies is excessively easy, because enemies will often spend significant amounts of time behind cover rather than actually engaging you, allowing you to, instead of engaging swarms, engaging small groups at once, cutting them down fast and easily and subverting the entire difficulty altogether. It isn't helped by the presence of a slow-mo sniper focus that allows you to essentially freeze enemies to a degree where you can cut down entire groups of enemies all at once. That causes the main difficulty of the game to plummet. Exponentially.
The stealth sections, by contrast, are much more entertaining because even by default the stealth meter used by enemies goes up incredibly fast, which does actually encourage you to keep in cover. The pay-offs of silent kills, whether by hand or by pistol, are also much better than that of standard gunplay, because the game properly builds the excitement of taking out enemies without alerting others. But even the stealth sections don't really get more difficult when increasing difficulty. Playing on realism, enemy AI is always just dumb enough to give the player time to lockpick hard doors, or get away with extremely wacky behaviour, which, again, should not be occurring at harder stages!
The result is the campaign's overall difficulty never really raises. The swarm in Operation Chaos can be confronted the same way as a swarm in Echoes of a Cold War. The stealth of Desperate Measures can be achieved with the same ease as the stealth of Brick in the Wall - despite the fact that these missions all hold extremely different significance in the story and should have different difficulties related to their tension! That means, if you're not already invested in the story (and we will get to Cold War's trainwreck of a story), you will never feel invested in... anything. At all. Not to mention that also means the campaign's replay value is excessively low compared to other Call of Duty campaigns, because, again, you can't raise the difficulty to make it different, nor can you really make any decisions that would cause these missions to get harder.
And speaking of decisions...
Evidence is Dumb Accompanying the optional Operations are investigations. Essentially, the game introduces to you the premise that you can go ahead with these missions, but if you don't crack the codes associated with these missions, then you might slip up and cause, for say, a Soviet spy ring in the U.S that previously nearly caused chemical attacks across the United States to persist. The missions themselves involve you eliminating high-value targets associated with Perseus. In theory, that sounds really interesting and makes for a very good feel, as well as creating more variables to care about in the game. In practice, the Operations are among the worst parts of the entire campaign.
For starters, to get the necessary evidence to crack these codes, you need to find small collectibles hidden all around missions. The fun easter egg collectibles from previous CoDs, like intel, have been excised in favour of this mechanic, likely in order to convince players to be more aware of their surroundings and to take in the environments more. However... using easter egg collectibles for critical game mechanics do run into a bit of a problem. A problem of a lot of the evidence being placed in the most unintuitive, terrible places you can imagine them being placed.
For example, to get the two evidence pieces from Red Light, Green Light, you need to take pictures of various maps hidden across the level. While three of these six maps are placed in intuitive places the player will come across, two are placed in weird out-of-the-way sections of the mission that are entirely unnecessary to pass through, and one is placed... right in the middle of a boss fight. Taking those pictures also disables your ability to respond to threats for at least a few seconds, which means that at the same time as you killing a stronger enemy, you also have to keep a look-out for... a fucking map.
Evidence collection is just the first part. It's not that infuriating compared to the other things, and honestly you could probably just bring up an online manual to check where the damn evidence is. The next part is evidence collation and analysis. That's right, you have to manually figure out what the evidence suggests. Honestly? These puzzles are actually pretty fun! Even though they're relatively simple, and can be solved with basic logic exercises, they're a decent tidbit in the campaign and the campaign could have genuinely benefited from having more of them, or having more of them be based on the player's actual proper analysis of the story and the situation. That could have made the story more engaging, and by proxy, more worth investing your time in.
The missions, by contrast, are terrible. Operation Chaos and Operation Red Circus are both really badly-made - hell, the latter is literally set on a multiplayer map - probably because unlike the main story, you do not learn anything from these missions. Not a single thing. You just swoop in, kill some people, and then leave. It isn't helped by the campaign's overly easy difficulty, it isn't helped by the lack of stealth, and it certainly isn't helped by just how... boring they are.
Yes, they are only two of the campaign's missions, optional missions at that, but when I say they are optional I mean they are fucking worthless. There is no value in finishing these missions. Finishing them does not escalate the game further, it does not make the game harder, it does not even really impact the story beyond some remarks you achieve at the very end of the game. The original Strike Force missions could cause a major story shift in the endgame of Black Ops 2, and while they also didn't have much in the way of gameplay consequences, they were at least fun breaks from the proper story and didn't completely break the immersion of the story by the virtue of being twenty-minute intrusions into an already short campaign.
And speaking of intrusions...
The Dumbest Cold War Story Some theorise a story is only worth paying attention to if its characters are. I'm kind of in that camp, especially for video games; given that characters are among the forefront ways players end up interacting with the story.
The characters of BOCW are almost entirely flat, uninteresting, bland and worthless.
Let's start with the principal deuratoganist/antagonist, Russell Adler. Adler is your general American badass. He beats the shit out of enemies in front of you, can speak Russian, German, and somehow pass in front of Soviets while wearing the longest, most hippie hair anyone ever put in Moscow. Beyond passing remarks, Adler is really uninteresting. Lemme put him in contrast with Alex Mason from BO1.
In BO1, Mason is introduced also as a stereotype, a bland player character. He begins only really as a kind of exercise of the existence of the story but he quickly evolves fast. The story shows you his obsession with Viktor Reznov, displays his utter frustration with numbers, and finally, in an amazing twist, makes him the protagonist of the game in a desire for revenge. The story spends a good amount of time on building his motivations in missions and outside missions, which ultimately is one of the reasons why the character is so beloved today.
In BOCW, Adler is introduced as a stereotype and never really ascends beyond that. His motivations are never really explained and you have to just presume that it's him acting as a stringent American nationalist. His background is given a chance to be explained - albeit, optionally, in a side you can only really do if you actually have the patience to sit through the story already - but he just says ‘I was in with a bad crowd’. Everything about Adler exists solely to make him look more like a caricatured American Badass.
This writing basically extends to most of the main cast, with two exceptions. Belikov and Park seem to have had their writing done by people whom are way better at the job than anyone else, because their actions and attitudes expertly make much better-fleshed-out characters than the rest. Belikov is presented with a bit of a jovial side, very loose about his attitude, but also as a capable operative that reinforces his role in the story; helped along by being the player character in most of the stealth section in Desperate Measures, already an awesome mission where you do incredible things silently and deftly. Park is a conservative but confident person with a very reserved attitude to things, whom actively defies Adler when necessary and questions him where she desires, later revealed to be a deeper result of a deep paranoia and distrust. She’s also the only character in the game whose dialogue changes by gender in a way that extends beyond pronouns, which just makes her even a little more fleshed out.
Oh, and Belikov appears for two missions and the majority of Park's appearances are in inter-mission briefings at the safehouse.
That's right, the game's two best characters are also among the characters the game doesn't want to show or thinks are disposable. Great. That means that we're stuck with Adler, the comedy corpse of Alex Mason, the bad knockoff of Frank Woods, and your character. Great. The reason for those derogatory remarks against Mason and Woods is because not only were the original VAs replaced with new ones (despite wanting to continue) whom were then instantly told to make impressions of Mason and Woods, but their characters are pretty bad too. Not only do they suffer from the main problem with Adler, they also suffer from a generally poor performance to such an extreme degree.
When I first made my character and they gave choices based on race, gender, attitude and more, I assumed that it would play into how the characters reacted to you. After all, it is a campaign whose selling point is choice, and... nothing. Basically no changes at all, except for the Park dialogue I mentioned above.
Well, we probably have to talk about Bell.
Black Ops and Bad Politics In my first playthrough of Black Ops: Cold War, I played as a nonbinary character just to see how the game would react. It didn't. It just changed most pronouns to 'they'. I think this is an accurate depiction of how Black Ops actually thinks about everything it talks about. So this is the true spoiler-full section.
During the campaign, you find out that the United States under Eisenhower planted multiple nuclear weapons under major European cities to be used in the event that the Soviet Union did indeed invade the West, under an operation known as Greenlight. The story never brings that up again, the fact that the U.S was responsible for creating a situation in which millions of people could die, and instead spends its time focusing on Perseus.
Perseus is not one person. It's a group of various different individuals which collectively form one great spy ring; this ring of people has been collectively manipulating events around the world for decades. It leaked various manifests from the Los Alamos Testing Facility, nearly caused real-life Operation Fracture Jaw to actually become a nuclear accident in Vietnam and more.
Because of the ending.
Let's step back a bit first. So, in reality, 'Bell' is a fabrication by Adler and Park, whom captured a Soviet agent in the first mission associated with Perseus in the hopes that they could gain necessary information. The player character has been lied to, but regardless, the game presents you with one choice. You can choose to lie to Adler about where the man behind Perseus is, goading the team into a trap and allowing the nukes to be detonated, killing about 60 million people in order to enable the Soviet Union to march across Europe. You can also choose to tell the truth, which results in an underwhelming chase sequence and a standard heroic victory in which Adler suddenly turns around and fucking kills you.
That basically means Black Ops: Cold War doesn't even succeed on its own merits. It proposes choices that don't materialise, because you only actually have one choice that has an actual effect on the story, either of which have zero justification beyond the placid nonsense that counts for a narrative. A great example is in Brick in the Wall, where you're given the choice to either kill or free an anti-Stasi resistance member in East Berlin whom in reality is an undercover KGB agent; no matter what you do, you're still knocked out by Franz Kraus and still brought to the same warehouse to have the same final battle.
This runs through the entire story until that terrible fucking choice. Again, those optional missions only affect random ending slides. They don't impact the themes of the story, and they most certainly don't affect your gameplay. Choose to be a woman or non-binary? Who cares, just get some pronoun changes in. Choose to kill Robert Aldrich and his spies or not? No effect. Choose to take Qasim Javadi hostage or throw him off a roof? Don't recall.
And it also reinforces Call of Duty's running streak of 'suggesting political themes and flubbing it'.
First, Perseus has never been proven to be real. Some researchers suggest that Perseus was a project of Soviet intelligence to create a larger-than-life threat; but whatever the case, there has never been definitive proof on Perseus' existence, and the theory's main proponents have often been American warhawks with obvious reasons for promoting a version of reality where the U.S is constantly under siege from the Soviet Union. I'm not saying that using Perseus as the main antagonist is a bad thing, but you have to actually flesh Perseus out well. Perseus is not fleshed out well. He's just a random rogue baddy who seems to be fashioned off Black Ops 2's Raul Menendez, but worse.
Second, Black Ops' version of reality is outright disastrous. In various cutscenes it repeatedly implies that the Civil Rights movement is actually a Soviet attempt to undermine the United States. In fact, Operation Chaos has you outright engage in an act of state terror against someone accused of being a subversive Soviet agent; or Red Circus, which has the team marking civilians under the accusation that they are Soviet agents. Again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. But Black Ops has neither the will nor the ability to bother with creating the nuance to bring these controversial and morally ambiguous topics together. It's a four hour fun romp that dips its toes into one of the foundational conflicts of our time and then thrashes about hoping to displace the water.
That's not even saying Cold War is problematic, because it isn't. It's too stupid and messy to figure out whether it wants to portray things as problematic. The events specifically can be construed (and most are) horrifying acts of violence we would send men to tribunals for. But Cold War? It doesn't know whether anything is problematic. In fact, it probably doesn't know anything at all. The game has a message about the Cold War. It just hasn't bothered to figure it out. Is America bad? Maybe. Is the Soviet Union bad? Maybe. Is brainwashing people and robbing their identities bad? Maybe. This isn't even a case of 'let the player decide', this is a case of 'we don't know and we don't care'.
Cold War uses real conflicts, real events, and real places. It references real fears, real problems, and real people. But it doesn't care what it says about those real events and those real places. It's happy to taper over the complicated realities that even it wants to set up to give a pathetic, 'good ending', that, I have to remind you, is still less cathartic than the bad ending. If there is a message Cold War could ever have, it was probably lost in communication-
-or, Treyarch is going to insist to me that in fact it was a Soviet spy ring that muddled it up.
Conclusion I am fucking exhausted with expecting better from games. You might consider that childish. I'm honestly inclined to agree with you.
Just thirteen years ago, Bioshock was released. It's one of the best politically-minded games of all time. Hell, Fallout: New Vegas was 2010, and Black Ops 2 was... 2012. It's depressing to remember how far Call of Duty has fallen, from flawed but well-intentioned and almost successful stories about war to this shit.
Players deserve better. They deserve a campaign that treats them with more intelligence than the idiotic narrative of 'nuke Europe or die', a game that respects the choices they have made with respect to the plot, and a story that... doesn't rely on their lowering of standards to be considered good.
That's why Black Ops: Cold War is depressing.
Because it isn't just bad. It's willingly mediocre. It's the bare minimum a player should desire of their game's story. It's a reflection of how gaming has gone from a series of communities to a cultish industrial complex that has neither respect for its developers nor its greatest enthusiasts.
This should be my last ever Call of Duty post on this sub. No point belabering the point forever, not when it doesn't seem like anything will ever change.
Thank you for your time.
(also side note: my last post on this subreddit was a terrible one I didn't spend enough time substantiating, and I also want to apologise to one of the commenters to which I promised a reply and never got around to.)
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2020.11.24 08:20 Tiredeyes88 I've made some bad choices and I need help understanding how I feel
This whole story would be a small book (but even then it is still terribly long) if I included all of it so I will try to be concise as I can while getting everything across.
I (24-26M) broke up with GF(18-20F) about a year ago now but we only truly stopped seeing each other about a month ago. The reasoning behind why I broke up at this point has become so twisted due to my intense longing and guilt that I can barely remember the reason why without placing blame on myself. Essentially I broke up with her due to her needing constant attention when I'm someone who badly needs some time to themselves daily (it was the kind of relationship where you couldn't be in the same room together and not be giving the other attention), pretty consistent mental manipulation to constantly make me feel guilty that I'm not doing enough for her or treating her poorly, which weren't just observed by me but also those close to me and her. And lastly almost every month there was a pregnancy scare, even with condoms, withdrawal/ pulling out, pills, she would always tell me she was late. Her friends and my brother caught her at least twice lying about these circumstances, with her saying she was on her period to them while telling me she was late.
Now I must also say I wasn't a perfect BF either, not by a long shot. I wasn't emotionally available enough for her IMO, though I always tried to talk and break down our miscommunication. I also had a bit of a fear of becoming a parent before I was ready, developed early by my mom raising me and my siblings one the idea that the worst thing you can do for your life is have a child BEFORE you are ready. This culminated in a horrible neurotic fear constantly from me because our relationship essentially started with a pregnancy scare. And she consistently wouldn't tell me if she took her pill on time or not, often saying "it wasn't my business" which I honestly agree, I shouldn't have to beg her to tell me if she took her pill or not. This also played into the fact she constantly begged for me to finish inside and I almost always refused. She would often get angry when I wouldn't, demanding "why is she even on these pills in the first place if I won't." I just didn't want to take any chances. She just wanted me to trust her even though so many times she told me she forgot but it's fine she'll take it early tomorrow. This of course upset me horribly but I do believe perhaps a less neurotic individual would have had an easier time and not pestered her as much.
The worst thing I did however was stay "friends" at her request when I broke it off and not just cut ties there, I just cared about her too much to hurt her. This of course was a terrible mistake and resulted in us continuing to have sex and hangout for another year, with her telling me the sex was her was of getting over me, which I obviously didn't exactly fight to hard against either. And because of course the scares still happened but not as often as before with one particularly horrific event where she called me while I was having a game night at my sister and Brother-in-laws house at night proclaiming that her friend had assured her that she was 100% pregnant after our last hookup cause she was late, she hadn't taken the pill the night before we had sex and hadn't taken one yet because she was house sitting and said she forgot to get them. She was on the mini-pill which to my understanding from what I read online had a larger ineffective window when taken improperly which further worsened my fear. (I understand now that the risk was frankly never that high, I just had a horrible fear and illogical fear) Attempting to be calm I told her I'd drive out (an hour and a half drive) to her house, retrieve the pills and bring them to her house. She refused, saying it was unnecessary, she'd take it in the morning. At this point I was hysterical, begging her to let me come get the pills or the morning after pill and bring them to her. I even drove to the house she was watching, which was close to mine and stood outside and begged her to let me do something. She refused everytime, wouldn't let me in the house. I must assure you I NEVER threatened her or acted aggressive, if anything I was just pathetic. Eventually I gave in and drove home. When I arrived crying, her mother called me telling me that I need to get away from her and mind my own business. My Ex claims she didn't tell her to call me and nor that she said anything negative about me to her but none the less this drove a deeper spike of pain into me.
This situation too was resolved... Eventually. And EVEN THEN like an idiot I ended up having sex with her atleast 2 more times before I said enough was enough.
Skipping the horrible essentially 2nd breakup that was me telling her we could only have a platonic relationship at a distance (because everytime we were alone together sex basically happened), we communicated as per usual every day through out the day for about 2 weeks, sharing memes, talking like we always do, the better part of our relationship/ friendship. We talked a ton of the phone as we had always done.
And as of 1 month ago she found another guy. First she told me she was gonna cut our communication in half which I fully supported. We still chatted like we usually did for a week all day, every day. Then she told me out of the blue that she doesn't wanna risk her new relationship so she was cutting contact with me entirely...
We had talked so many times while we we're "friends" about how we both were willing to maintain some sort of friendship even if we found other people. It sounded unrealistic at times but the more she talked to me about it the more I believed it was doable.
But then it happened and she just cut me off. Just like that. I mean I shouldn't be surprised, right?
The first week where she cut me off I felt fine, I finally got what I wanted, no matter how sloppily I had handled it.
Then the second week rolled in, I started to feel lonely, started to miss her voice, her texts in the morning, her bad memes she'd send.
Then the third week came. I would wake up thinking about her, dream about her, couldn't do anything she was the only thing on my mind. I felt horrible. Empty. Like I lost the best thing I could ever hope to have and hurt her horribly too.
It got so bad around then I broke and sent her a text, looking for closure, telling her how much I had learned from her in the time I knew her. I said since we didn't really say goodbye then let me end it on this by saying I appreciate everything you taught me. She didn't text me back but she called the next day. We chatted for a bit, catching up. She told me it would be alright to talk very occasionally but no more. She wanted to respect her new BF. I agreed. That went on for about another week or so. And now we're here. I've talked to her twice. Texted very little, maybe once every three days. And I've now discovered she was showing all my texts to her new BF (who blocked me for her on Instagram and snap) and that she has already moved in with him after only a month of dating from my sister (my other sister who she still hangs out with). My sister then informed my mother of my actions who promptly splashed a bucket of cold reality in my face.
I've been not only awful to her for keeping the friendship for as long as I did and texting her, but also shaming myself horribly. In not her words but mine, I'm being pathetic and selfish. And yet. I can't help it now but I miss her so incredibly bad, even after everything that has happened. I'm miserable everyday, just thinking about her with someone else (who I'm now comparing myself to as well to make matters worse), knowing I can't talk to her any more, hear her again, hold her. And the most painful bit is I'm sure she isn't thinking about me at all. And the worst part is I'm still confident that even if we dated again the same things would occur. I haven't texted her and am considering sending her a text saying a final goodbye. My mother has begged me not to and just let it die, which I'm feeling just as likely to let happen.
So here I am, hurting, feeling extremely ashamed and guilty about everything and for even feeling this way, not only my behavior as of late but how I behaved while I was dating and "friends" with her. And now all I'm thinking is did I make a bad call? Should I have just been more patient? Should I have just trusted her and worked harder? God I am the bad guy in all of this? Or I was just that much of an idiot?
That's essentially everything. At this point I just want to be told I at least made the right call by not staying committed to her, as I was honestly on the verge of dating her again when she again asked me to date before we had our final split. But good God did I make some serious fuck ups. Christ...
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2020.11.24 06:46 bananasenpijamas1 How to proceed after “tattling” on my coworker for plagiarism? She (F22) took it as an attack but I never even mentioned her name
Ok where to begin. Please bare (bear?) with me.
I’m (F22) in my final year of uni currently doing online classes. For one of my courses I had to hand in a group assignment, a group project that involved three other people, call them A, B, and C (F22). Myself, A and B are okay group workers. We pull our weight and take into account that this grade affects us all. C on the other hand is a free rider. I’ve worked with her before and I can tell that she both struggles with these kind of courses, but she also doesn’t make an effort.
So when the time came to assign each part of the project, we gave C the easiest, and I really mean THE easiest, part. No objections on her part of course.
So today comes, project due midnight, and everyone but C has put their parts on the document. We ask her what’s up, she says it will be up before class. Ok. No problem.
10 minutes to class and she texts us that her part is done. Cool. We’ll go over it after class one last time.
Class begins and while the teacher is taking attendance I decide to check the document for typos and styling. I get to C’s part and guess what? Plagiarism. Two entire paragraphs of pure plagiarism. Not even an attempt to paraphrase. I literally copy pasted the paragraphs on the google search bar and its the FIRST Result. Well damn.
I send “hey, please cite this” to the groups chat. No answer. That’s fine. We’re in class. Maybe that was my mistake. But A sees my text and reiterates what I say. I mean come on. Plagiarism? Really? We tell her that if she needs help to tell us, ask if she can change her part, cite it, anything for gods sake. No answer.
Look. I had other things to do after class. I wasn’t about to lose two hours fixing this girl’s plagiarism. So I send our teacher a private message asking if we can speak after class. Teacher says yes.
Then, five minutes before class ends C responds “ok I’ll change it” not even acknowledging that she blatantly plagiarised lol???? Fine.
I wasn’t about to throw C under the bus. I’m not that big of a douchebag. I never said any names to my teacher, just that Someone in my group had plagiarised and we would all suffer the consequences. I also told her that I could tell that she was struggling with the course so I didn’t want to kick her from the group, but that I couldn’t believe that someone in their final year of uni was plagiarising. Teacher agrees and tell me that I can choose to kick her out of the group entirely or she can extend our due date one more day so that we can speak with C and hand in something decent. I choose the latter.
And that’s when I realise that the session was still being recorded lol. And I hadn’t paid ANY attention to class because of this mess so i HAD to re watch the lesson. But it’s either delete the whole hour or leave up my blabbering mess at the end. Welp. Go big or go home right? So the lesson stays up and I go clean to my group.
I send them a long ass text about what just happened. That I don’t think plagiarism is acceptable in any way, especially when it can affect others, that I didn’t name names, and that we got an extra day to hand in a proper assignment. Awesome right?
Wrong. C takes it VERY wrongly. Says that I should have spoken to her before tattling, that I’m being selfish and only looking out for myself, that I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, that she wanted to do things right.
I send a very snarky reply back, saying that she shouldn’t have plagiarised in the first place, and that for her information I DID give her the benefit of the doubt: i could have had her kicked out of the group but I chose not to??? And we got an extra day wtf is she complaining about??
And that’s where I’m at right now. It was nice to have the final say because I think I’m right in everything I did (very biased opinion, I know), but Now I feel like an asshole for putting her on the spot and for my “for your information” part of my text. I want to... not apologise for what I did but for how I acted in response to her?? Even though I’ll probably never see her after we graduate, and she probably won’t reply, or she’ll screenshot my messages and turn me into an even bigger asshole. Idk. I just feel gross right now. Some people have told me to just leave it at that, but it doesn’t sit right with me. I really don’t know what to do now.
So with what I’ve presented, as much as my perspective on the whole ordeal might be biased, do any of you guys have any advice? How do I proceed? Do I just drop it? Say something else? If so now or after we have cooled down? Help pls ):
TL;DR: classmate in my group project plagiarised and I asked her to cite it or change her answer. She wasn’t replying so I spoke to our teacher without naming names and she gave me two options: to kick her out of the group or speak to her and hand it in with an extension. I choose the latter and tell my group what happened. Plagiariser takes it as an attack and calls me selfish. Now I feel like an asshole even though I was looking out for my other teammates as well and we got an extension. Lol. What do
submitted by bananasenpijamas1
to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 03:55 thekilleraaa1 Alpha 19 issues, can someone please help me!
im having troubles with alpha 19 on my pc. im not too sure whats going on. i dont want to just blame the game it could be something going on with my pc or something i could optimize on my pc or fix. but basically i played alpha 18 and i had soooo much fun the game ran just fine for me no isses what so ever. however i just picked up the game again because of the alpha 19 update and well basically my game randomly crashes and freezes. also really bad fps drops down to like 30 fps.... and when the crashes happen its just instant, no warning what so ever. the game will be running perfectly and then all of a sudden within a blink of an eye im on my desktop with no errorr messages or anything. and the fps drops happen very randomly as well. like i can just be sitting inside my base not moving and all of a sudden it drops wayy down to like 30 fps out of no where and then like 5 mins later its back up to 90-100 fps again when im literally just sitting in my base still lol. like there no rhyme or reason as to why its doing this because my pc seems to be running fine when it happens so im just not sure whats going on. i have been trying to read online and do some simple things here and there but to no avail. i mean the game isnt "unplayable" by any means, i mean sometimes im able to play for 3 or 4 hours just fine without any crashes or fps drops or any issues and then sometimes it will crash like 3 times within a half hour with the associated fps drops and stuff also. im willing to try anything to help. i have tried uninstalling the game and deleting all files and reinstalling it again. i have tried reinstalling steam as well. also went through and cleaned up my pc by removing old games and files aand running some hard drive defrags. checked to make sure some drivers were up to date. also fooled around with some ingame settings also.....all to no avail it seems. im just not good with the software side of things and all other fixes seem to be a bit more complicated stuff that im scared to do because i dont wanna mess my system up by doing something wrong. such things include like running commands in cmd prompt and messing with the registry and stuff im not smart enough to do all that yet lol. i can listen and follow directions well tho if someone is able to sort of work with me one on one to help possibly. thanks!
submitted by thekilleraaa1
to 7daystodie [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 03:45 shaq134 Girls, what types of photos do you look for in a guy’s profile?
I have been on multiple online dating apps for several months now, and only been on one date (which did not lead to a second date) and had two conversations that faded out. Based on other people’s success on these apps (at least more so than mine), I’m beginning to think that the quality of my photos is the problem. I’ve been told that I’m attractive by many objective third parties, so I know I’m not ugly. I just think my photos are either poor quality or make me look like a boring person. I don’t have an Imgur account at the moment but I’ll give you a description of my photos and see if anything clicks: 1) Smiling photo of me at a restaurant; my friend, who was sitting across the table, took the photo 2) Photo of me standing at a pier in Coney Island. It’s a closeup, from the waist up. 3) group photo of me and 3 friends at an Escape Room 4) close up photo at Rockefeller Center Christmas tree; very blurry 5) Silly photo in a sprinkle pit at the Museum of Ice Cream (I thought it would get some traction, but nothing) 6) close up of me holding a beer and a lit birthday cake, celebrating my 21st birthday. It’s a civilized photo, not a trashed one. In addition to pictures you’d like to see on a profile, what messages are the most likely to get a response. I NEVER send “Hey, how are you?” or something generic like that. My first message is either a comment on their photo, or a creative response to one of the prompts. But still goose eggs, and it’s honestly getting frustrating. It shouldn’t be this way with something I’m paying $20 a month for and trying to do everything right, but getting no matches, messages or dates out of it. I welcome any advice, and I will try and figure out how to upload pictures also if it would make a difference.
submitted by shaq134
to OkCupid [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 03:15 Foxfin22 Post Partum Returns
Hey yall it's been awhile. I have another Karen story to share. I realize I might get a lot of backlash for this one but I'm gonna share it anyway not only for entertainment but also for awareness of how people take advantage of retailers on a daily basis and how it is certainly not okay. If anybody would like to have a civilized discussion on this matter, my DMs are open. That being said, heres my experience.
It was a normal day working the customer service desk at home depot. I called over the next person in line who turned out to be an elderly women in her seventies (per her shared info later on). This women had a very nice demeanor. I'm not saying she was by any means a nasty or bad person. Just the way she reacted in this scenario was unfair. She was trying to return an unused and uninstalled light shade mount. She had never used or installed it because she was never able to get anyone to help her, and she was getting older and didn't want to risk doing that herself, which is fair. She had the order form with her, so I accepted it and typed in her order number to return her online order. When I tried to ring it up however, a message popped up saying there were no available quantities to return. Now this isnt completely unusual, as sometimes delivery items aren't released yet in our system. So I go online to see if that is the case and if so, I would call home depot online to resolve the issue on their end. This was not the issue, the item had been delivered and processed in the system and well. Okay, there was one last thing I could try. I pulled it up in another database connected to home depot online orders for each store and tried to process the return through there. The only option it gave me was to reorder the item. At this point I dont know what to do, so I call over my fellow coworker who is a bit more experienced than I am when it comes to the job. He takes one look at the paper and immediately sees the issue that I completely overlooked. The order was from early 2019, nearly two years ago now, hence why the item was non returnable and no longer in our system. I hadn't even thought to check this since I kind of like to assume that people would try to at least be fair with the date (and if not give a valid explanation and if possible I can see what I can do to help). So everything added up as to why I couldn't return this women's item. She explained again that she was getting older, that she had never used it, or unwrapped it aside from taking it out of the box that she still had because she could not find a way to install it. I calmly explain to her that unfortunately due to the return policy we cannot return items past their expiration date (which is typically 30-180 days unless theres warrantys involved) and I apologize for the inconvenience. She then says she understands, BUT (and theres the fucking "but". The " but "that we all hate. The "but" that all Karens are notorious for saying and proving that they dont understand one bit where we as retail workers are coming from at all. So she continues and says shes hoping Home Depot can make an exception for her because she spends thousands of dollars there and has for years and if we could possibly even give her store credit. If thay were possible, being how lenient my managers are they probably would have allowed that. However in this case with a third party online item that was almost over a year old, it was not possible for us to process this return. Online special order skews are different from in store skews, at least for the company I work for, because we get some items from third parties. Yes home depot sells these items but we are also partnered with other companies that manufacture merchandise that we dont sell in the store. I can understand why the women and most people who havent worked retail would not understand this. So I dont necessarily blame her for not understanding the reasoning in this case. So I do what I usually do to calm down customers. I turn my computer toward them so they can also see what I am doing, so that way they know that what I'm saying is true and that I'm not trying to bullshit them. I typed in her order again, showed her the message that popped up, then tried to scan the item itself, which came up as "not on file" because of it not being sold in the store. The way to get online skews and process this through our registers would be to put the order number in and snag them off of that. In this case ,that data had been erased because of its expiration. Despite me showing her all of this she seemed to get angrier and demanded to talk to a manager. So I called the ASM on duty. It happened to be one of my managers who is very professional and while hes not an asshole, he also doesnt take shit from customers. He comes and tells her the exact same thing I did. That even if we wanted to we could not give her credit for this item. The system would not allow it. It was beyond our control. She replies fine, that she will never shop at home depot again and that she will from now on go to lowes. I don't know what lowes policy is for this kind of stuff but i would assume most retailers would handle the situation in a similar manner. I've had customers bullshit their way into getting what they want far too many times to have sympathy for this one women who was so upset over losing $50 for this one item that she never used. I get that for some people, $50 is a lot of money. But if it was that important to her, she shouldn't have let the item sit around and try to return it a year later. She even tried to pull the whole "but it doesnt say anything about the return policy on this receipt". I politely pointed to where it did in fact say in fine print that items cannot be returned after their set return policy dates. She gets frustrated that I have again countered her argument, and points furiously at the sign behind me sarcastically "Free and easy returns!" But of course she didnt get off my ass until my manager arrived, because people hardly ever listen to regular retail workers under management. My point is, people do fraudulent returns ALL THE TIME. I see it every damn day. I've had a similar situation with a man who's lamp from two years ago stopped working and if he could exchange it. We no longer sold the item. He asks for a manager too, and again, the ASM on duty told him we couldn't do it. So that's the end of that, right? Nope. This asshole comes back to my register about ten minutes later with a light bulb in his hand, "can I at least take this so I can try to fix it myself?" At this point I'd had it, but I calmly told him I would ask my manager. When I asked my manager he asked how much it was, which was roughly $6. My manager said "oh yeah that's alright". And just let it be. This infuriated me beyond belief because of how manipulative customers can be. I got off the phone with my manager and just pushed the item towards him and said, "take it". And that was that. I dont care if I sounded passive aggressive. That asshole deserved that much. Anyway like I said, I get that this women was older and recently widowed. But we get these sob stories ALL the time. It's a guilt trip. And its manipulative. Some people will do anything to get what they want and its sickening. That's the end of this rent, I know there will be more. Until then, peace out everyone. I hope your jobs aren't killing you too much.
submitted by Foxfin22
to karens [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 02:59 butterflyaway97 Can anyone share their experience on separation anxiety? Advice?
Hey everyone! I have a 15 week old havanese. She is usually super well behaved and very smart. She’s potty trained (3 weeks no accidents and rings a bell to go outside, we don’t ever have to guess). She is also very attached to me, which is cute but concerning too. I live with my boyfriend and we both work from home due to COVID, so we haven’t had to really leave her alone. I’m a supply teacher and do most work online, but will visit one school sometimes in person. When I leave, she’s fine with him, but when I am back she wants to be with me all the time. If I’m teaching in one room and shut the door, she will sit outside the door and cry or scratch it, even if my BF is in the other room. But the worst is when we both leave. If we go to the grocery store, she will bark in her crate from the time we leave till the time we come home. Seriously, I doubt she stops the entire time. It breaks my heart to hear, but I also am now wishing we’d left her alone more at the beginning. She’s been with us for 5 weeks and has hardly had to be alone, so the odd time she is, she absolutely loses her mind. Is it too late to reverse this reaction? I love her to bits and I think it’s so cute she’s such a Velcro dog, but I also don’t want a dog with such bad separation anxiety we can’t go out once covid finally ends. Like one day we will want to go on dates outside the home again and leave her alone!
I also left her with my parents for a night so we could have a date night at home alone, and she was perfectly fine. It’s not really being without me, but being alone completely I think that she really hates. Does anyone have advice or experience?
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to puppy101 [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 01:45 ToweringIsle13 Idiot Heart
(The title of which comes from a lovely album
by the talented Carsie Blanton)
True's latest post
inspired me to do a little old-fashioned Q+A based on this article
so here we go!
"Q: Dear World Tribune, How can I feel hopeful toward 2021? —Bodhisattva Seeking"
Hey, I know that seeking spirit! How've you been, Watson
? Has this year been of interest to you? Of course it has, what with how current events have left us with a bevy of questions and nothing but time to sit around and ask them. It's a great time to be Q!
But wait a minute... When did this Q+A affair become an anonymous advice column? It wasn't enough for Q to be a rhetorical device? Now the gimmick is to pretend
that someone actually submitted
this question, to this periodocal, under this pseudonym, not unlike how you would have us believe that the great man himself is the one responding to our facsimile transmissions?
Why, Q, why must you continue to edge forward the boundaries of your dishonesty? Were you afraid the people wouldn't take your question seriously -- about conditions that literally affect us all -- unless you dressed it up to be an anonymous submission from a real person? (Does the SGI even accept
reader questions? To which online portal was this one "submitted"?)
It's not like you've never addressed a broad, philosophical topic before; Remember that time you asked, point blank, about the meaning of life? Or that one May column which was all about the true significance of money for some reason? You don't need to be gimmicky for us to pay attention.
But okay, we'll play along. So your name for the moment is "Bodhisattva Seeking" (B.S.), and you are a real person with whom I can vaguely identify. What are we asking about? Hope?
"A: Dear Bodhisattva Seeking, What an important question. I’m sure many others share the same concern."
Yes, we do! How could you have possibly known
"We no doubt face unprecedented times..."
What do you meeeeean by thaaaaat....
Would you be referring to the idea of a pandemic as "unprecedented"? Because it isn't.
Are you referring to racial, political and religious tension as "unprecedented"?
Are you referring to natural disasters, dissatisfaction with government, and fear of invasion as "unprecedented"? Why? All of those things are in your favorite Gosho -- the one you take every opportunity to tell us about -- in which Nichiren explains how all the problems of his day (which sound an awful lot like ours), are the just desserts of sin and degeneracy.
Are you referring to the internet itself as being new? Well maybe, but it's not like people haven't printing-pressed or renaissanced themselves into a new age of thought before. Besides, what with all of these Zoom meetings holding together your very organization like a wad of bubblegum, A, I would imagine that you would feel thankful
for the internet, and see it as a mitigating factor -- as in, something which demonstrates one of the ways in which people these days have it easier
than those from bygone eras.
Do you actually mean to remind us that we live in unprecedentedly good
times, in which the standard of basic living has never been higher?
Or were you merely saying something generic, that you didn't think anyone would have the desire to question or unpack, as a cheesy way to manufacture agreement? Trying to relate to people by telling them that "times are hard"... Well sure, times may be "hard", but are they "unprecedented"? It would seem that the more we consider human history up to this point, the more "precedents" for our current situation we are likely to find.
But I don't suppose you want people reflecting too much on the broader strokes of history, outside of the narrow slivers of it presented in your little fiction novels, do you, A? No, you generally favor the opposite approach: you'd prefer your listeners to have the attention spans of goldfish, with a disposition towards "staying in the now" and making "fresh departures" into the future. You want an audience to which you could say just about anything, and the conditioned response will be "yes, yes, I believe you!".
So what is it that you need me to believe this time? That current events are "unprecedented", despite your organization's own
Gosho-related arguments that the course of history is cyclical?
"...and as we reflect on the past year and approach a new one, we may wonder how to be hopeful in spite of it all."
I'd rather remain spiteful in the face of hope.
Ha ha. Yeah. I'm not really kidding.
Hope, as it is packaged for the masses, is essentially a sucker's game. You want to know what else
never changes in society? Empty political promises. Is America "Great Again"? Did we get "Change We Could Believe In"? Have elected officials ever
kept their campaign promises, or is it more that they take advantage of perpetual unhappiness and the mercurial nature of the news cycle as a means for always selling false hope?
For that matter, when have religious doomsday predictions ever
been known to come come true? We are still here, right?
Anyway, A, you were selling?
"Recently, the SGI announced its 2021 theme as the Year of Hope and Victory."
No SHIT! You don't say! Is this the year we make society mystic
again? Is this
the year when all of the promises come true?
Or are they actually being truthful with us, in a backhanded sort of way, letting us know that this year, just like all the others, we are free to gorge ourselves upon false hope -- an "infinite" amount of it, no less -- so long as we can be counted on to channel that hope into enthusiasm and support into some preordained cause?
Yeah. The more things change...
"In tandem, a calligraphy that Ikeda Sensei had inscribed 35 years ago was unveiled. It reads, “Vast Heart.”"
So basically a 35-year-old campaign slogan? Was Sensei intending to save it for this exact year, or did they just pick one from the pile?
"With your question in mind, we took a look at what having a “vast heart” actually means from the Buddhist viewpoint, because cultivating our hearts is key to calling forth unending hope at all times and under any circumstances. Here are five points to consider."
Ahh yes, strengthening the ol' 'hope muscle'. What you got?
"1. The purpose of our Buddhist practice is to develop a strong heart.
In his study lecture on “The Strategy of the Lotus Sutra,” Ikeda Sensei writes: “The purpose of faith is to make our hearts strong and steadfast, to develop inner strength and conviction. Everything depends on our minds and our hearts. The ultimate conclusion of Nichiren Buddhism is summed up in the words ‘It is the heart that is important.’"
I like this one. Nice little reversal there. "Everything depends on our minds and our hearts", but ultimately "it is the heart that is important". Use your mind...and your heart...but mostly just your heart.
Use faith, and reason...but mostly just faith.
reason! You know, that thing you threw out the window the moment you started praying to a scroll?Yeah, that.
“Buddhism is primarily concerned with victory and defeat."
A victory for blind faith, and the utter defeat of common sense?
"It is a struggle between enlightenment and ignorance."
Are you implying that a person could not be simultaneously very faithful and very ignorant, because those two aren't exactly exclusive...
"Kosen-rufu is a battle between the Buddha and devilish functions."
So why does he need our
help? I thought he was all powerful?
"The heart is what decides our victory or defeat in all things."
Yeah, that's not agita you're feeling, it's excitement from all this victory
"Spiritual victors can lead lives undefeated by anything."
I like this one too. A little doublespeak. As long as you have faith, you will never be defeated
. You may lose. You may fail. You might go utterly broke and not achieve anything you're after, and you might end up perpetually worse off in life for spending so much time on cult activity...but you won't be defeated
, goddamnit, because defeat only happens when you give up
, and you have too much invested in this identity to give up, retreat, retool or reconsider. You know that the secret to "victory" -- even when losing so, so badly -- is to keep going
with the system that got you there.
You see how much this religion stuff really does have in common with politics?
"2. Nothing guarantees our victory more than the heart of faith.
“When [Nichiren] Daishonin speaks of the importance of the heart, he is referring, at the most fundamental level, to this heart of faith."
Well, if we are defining "victory" as above, wherein reason completely subordinates to belief, then I guess you could say this.
“In a letter addressed to a follower worried about a sick family member, the Daishonin writes, ‘If you believe in this [Lotus] sutra, all your desires will be fulfilled in both the present and the future.’"
I'm sensing a theme here: this world is not much for accountability. Politicians make promises, and then break them once they get elected. Cult leaders could predict a date for the end of the world, and then continue like nothing happened after that date passes. Sports commentators make vehement predictions that turn out to be dead wrong, and the very next day they're on to the next one. And self-help gurus can make all sorts of promises about how their system will benefit you...only to insist that the fault is yours alone when results do not come. Lying is the way to consolidate power in this world.
And here we are being told, by Ikeda via the Daishonin, that all of our desires "will be fulfilled in both the present and the future". If our pattern holds, not only is such a claim potentially baseless and false, but the people lying to us have something to gain and nothing to lose from making it.
As proof of such indemnity, this article goes on to reproduce such claims as the following:
"If a person who has an illness is able to hear this sutra, then] his illness will be wiped out and he will know neither aging nor death."
...which not only make no fucking sense at all, but would be absolutely illegal
to put forth if not for how the law already
considers religion and faith healing to be outside the realm of reality.
Fantastic. What year is it again, the year of the thumb up the ass? Great. Let's keep going.
"3. Difficult times are an opportunity to accumulate “treasures of the heart.”"
Got it. Yes. Bad is good, up is down, poor is rich, and difficulties present us with the opportunity to challenge that "Never say derp" attitude. But again, why do we need the SG-I-Don't-Know to help us overcome our difficulties, when all they are offering are platitudes that are unaccountable, untestable, and largely inscrutable??
Like this one:
"...when we possess strong faith, we are rich beyond compare; we are ‘spiritual billionaires.’"
I'm sorry, but the thing about numbers is that they are a way to compare things. A billion dollars could be exchanged for one billion cans of soda, hypothetically. What does it mean to be a "spiritual billionaire", and moreover, can we see the problem inherent in describing matters of character in terms of money? Only a few people can be billionaires, for the same reason only a relative few can become famous or influential: because fame, wealth and influence are things we gain at the expense
of the other people. Every rich person stands directly on the lives of the countless others who work miserable jobs just to survive. Every famous person can only be so because everyone else in the crowd is content to watch.
So what is it being promised here? That one day you and I can be spiritually rich, and become spiritual celebrities like certain Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, if we only continue slaving away and putting our trust and effort into the current system?
“[Second Soka Gakkai President Josei] Toda declared: ‘To rise up from despair, challenge our own problems and work to help others as well—could there be any more admirable life than this?"
Fair enough, but you also promised me the cures to my diseases, triumph over every personal problem, and a shortcut to omnipotence, and the more faithful I am -- just as you want me to be -- the more literal I would take those promises to be, which can hurt only me, and not the those making the claims.
"4. Possessing a “vast heart” means to never be defeated.
...This ‘vast heart’ is the great, invincible spirit to keep striving together with the Mystic Law through even the bitterest adversity to transform all poison into medicine and freely create value with confidence, strength, wisdom and optimism."
I'd like to call into question this concept of "value creation". I know what it means in a colloquial sense, to seek a productive course of action in any personal conflict or situation, but as I was suggesting before, these economic terms are fraught with deeper meaning. You can create "value" out of something, in our money-driven world, by exploiting it. By ruining it. By stealing it. By mining it as a resource with no regard for the natural order. As long as trees and animals and the environment at large are worth more to the economy dead than alive, people will continue to destroy them. You could "create value" out of the rainforest by cutting it all down for short-term gain. And why not? The only thing stopping you would be a genuine appreciation of the much greater potential
value to all of humanity that already exists in a functioning ecosystem.
This is analogous, I would say, to the idea of chanting as a means of solving problems. Yes, you could form the habit of reflexively chanting in response to every minor annoyance, and you could tell yourself that you are "creating value" by doing so. But what of the value of not
doing so? Of having a quiet mind? A mind unfettered by superstition or religion? A mind that does not immediately jump to associations, opinions and answers?
The value of quiet meditation is and always has been the ability to cultivate states of nothingness
, no? To return your mind to something more of a blank slate?
Chanting is not
a form of quiet meditation.
Perhaps to create value of one sort in faith is to destroy something of greater value in terms of spiritual free agency.
How could you ever come to appreciate the value of your own native, untouched internal rainforest -- scary bugs and all -- if you are fixated on contracting someone to come along and clear it all out for you? Just a thought.
"5. Our heart is expressed in our actions to advance kosen-rufu with our mentor."
Fuck you, no it isn't. He's not my mentor, and this whole thing is an obvious cult.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
submitted by ToweringIsle13
to sgiwhistleblowers [link] [comments]
2020.11.24 00:19 helpcreepylandlady My Old Coworker Knew WAY Too Much About Me
This is the story of a co-worker I had a long time ago, so I can look back on it and laugh now, but at the time it was really distressing for me.
To give some context, every summer I would do some temp work for the company where my dad worked. It was an education company, so they always needed temp workers around July/August time for all of the exam remarks that they had come in. It was data entry work, but it suited me fine and it meant I could earn a little extra cash while I was at University. I did this every summer from when I was 19 right through to when I was 23, and then I got another job at the same company for a bit after I graduated, but we'll get to that later. For now, all you need to know is that I was a reasonably familiar face there, and everyone knew I was my dad's daughter.
The main downside of working there was that I'd clock off work at 5pm, but I'd have to wait for my dad to finish work, since he was the head of an entire department, so he'd end up staying a bit later. Every day, I'd bring a book with me and sit in this little foyer area between his department and the department where I worked, since it had the most comfortable chairs.
I must have been 22 years old when this happened, because it was the penultimate summer that I worked there. I had just had my hair cut short for the first time in my life and I'd had it dyed red as well.
I was sitting on these couches reading when all of a sudden this guy approaches me. Let's call him Leon. He tells me that he works in my dad's department and he thought he'd come introduce himself. This was a pretty common occurrence for me and I was aware of this guy. He was young and decent looking, so a few of the women in my department had a crush on him. I was dating someone at the time though and I had never actually seen him in person, but I could see what they saw in him.
We got to chatting and he mentioned that I'd changed my hair, so I told him about cutting it short and he cut me off mid-sentence. This is where it started to get weird.
He said, "No, first it was brown and you didn't have a fringe. Then you went through that phase of curling it. Then you put the fringe it and dyed it red. After that, you dyed it purple. Now you've had it cut short and dyed it back to red."
This guy I had just met was describing over two years worth of hairstyle changes that I'd had. I felt creeped out, but he seemed like a nice enough guy and I guess I had worked at the company throughout that entire time, so it was reasonable to assume that he'd noticed me before.
That should have been the first red flag.
He asked me if I had Facebook and I told him that I did, so he said he would add me. That seemed pretty normal but then, after he'd send the friend request, he asked me to get my phone out so he could watch me accept the friend request.
I'm British and it's therefore impossible for me to be impolite, so I got my phone out and showed him that I had accepted it. I thought that might calm him down. Bear in mind, he wasn't a bad looking guy, so I felt a bit flattered at this point that he was so keen on me.
That sense of flattery dissolved REAL fast.
After the Facebook thing, he kept asking me if I had MSN and I told him that I didn't. I swear, throughout this conversation he asked me if I had MSN about four times. Then, the final time he asked, he was like, "Please can you get MSN so we can chat after work?" It was like he had something really urgent he wanted to tell me, but I had only just met this person.
I kind of laughed and said about how I hadn't used MSN since I was a teenager, without necessarily rejecting him.
Then he said something like, "Well, if you don't have MSN, then do you have Skype?"
This seemed like the perfect opportunity to bring up my boyfriend, who was a foreign student and went back to his home country during the summer. He was the only person I spoke to on Skype.
I said to Leon about how I didn't have my own Skype account, but I used my dad's Skype account to talk to my boyfriend. I really thought this might ward him off.
I was wrong.
Without missing a beat, he said, "Can you please just get your own Skype account so we can video chat after work?"
He said it like I was somehow inconveniencing him, like this was something we'd agreed to do months ago or something.
I had no idea how to react, so I just sort of smiled and laughed.
Thank the heavens, someone from my dad's department walked passed at that moment and was like "Leon, aren't you meant to be at your desk?" He scurried off pretty quick after that, but not before reminding me to get my own Skype account and send him the details.
I told my dad about the whole exchange in the car ride home, but all he said was that Leon was very friendly and that a lot of the women in his department liked him, so maybe I had just misunderstood the situation. I thought he was probably right, so I tried to not let it bother me.
Later that evening, however, I was on my computer doing University work when a message popped up on my Facebook.
It was Leon.
All the message said was, "We like the same movies."
I don't know what it was, but something about this message freaked me out so much. I decided not to respond and logged off Facebook, hoping that he wouldn't notice I had been online.
The next day, after work, I was sat in my usual spot when Leon comes over to me. His face was like thunder. At first, I thought he was just having a bad day and was walking through the hallway, but my heart dropped when I realised he was walking directly towards me.
"Why didn't you respond to my Facebook message?"
I was stunned. How was I supposed to respond to that? Who says stuff like that in real life? Lucky for me, I didn't have an opportunity to respond, because he started off on this tirade. I'm not even kidding. He started listing all of the movies we had in common that he had seen on my Facebook profile.
"Batman: The Dark Knight, Watchmen, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Fight Club..."
I just sat there watching him reel off all of these film titles. Once he was finished, all he said was, "It's okay, I forgive you." And then walked off back to his department.
Over the next couple of weeks, he came and found me in my spot every day and talked at me from the moment I sat down to the moment my dad came to get me.
I don't remember many of the other exchanges, but I do remember distinctly one day pretending to pick my nose when I saw him coming to see if it would put him off.
It got to the point where I'd get so stressed out after work that I'd go and hide in the toilets for as long as I could, but the women I worked with started to notice and think I was weird.
Eventually, I broached the subject with my dad and he gave me his car keys after my shift, so that I could go hide out in his car rather than in the building.
So I'm camped out in his car and I'm still feeling quite tense but, after about 20 minutes, I start to feel at ease. Surely he won't come looking for me out here?
I look over at the main entrance and my heart drops. He is coming out of the door and he's scrutinising all of the cars. I sank down as far as possible into my seat, but I wasn't fast enough and he saw me.
He comes rushing off and starts tapping on the glass, so I open the door and ask him what's up.
"I didn't see you in your usual spot, but luckily [Name of Doorman] told me he saw you come out here. Why are you in your dad's car?"
Again, what are you supposed to say to that?
I told him I had a headache, so I'd come out to the car to take some paracetamol and see if I could get some sleep. At least he respected that, because he told me to "feel better" and then left me alone.
I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that I was only going to be working there for a few more days before I had to go back to University.
I told my dad about the car incident and he gave Leon "a talking to" the next day. Leon would still come find me in the foyer, but he'd only talk to me for a few minutes in passing before leaving me alone. It was a big relief.
On my last day at work there, I was fully expecting him to do something crazy, but he didn't even come to chat with me that day. I left the office and thought I would never see him again.
I found out he was fired not long after I left the company that year because he kept coming into work late and then spent most of his time at work chatting with his co-workers (and me, apparently).
Fast forward to January of 2014, and I was preparing to move to China for a position teaching English. I had graduated from University and I was working at the same company, but this time in a semi-permanent capacity. It was my last day at work, so I received quite a few gifts and some fuss from my co-workers.
It was about 10am when who should I see walk through the door but Leon. He had been hired as a temp to do the job that I had done for so many years. As soon as he walked through the door, he saw me and this flash of recognition crossed his face. I wanted to slide under my desk and die.
He came walking over to me and was all smiles, asking about how I was and what I was still doing at the company. It was at this point that one of my co-workers mentioned about how I was "off to China" soon.
Leon seized on that and started talking about his "friend" who was also interested in TEFL. His interest seemed genuine, so I got to talking about how I got my TEFL qualification, who I got it through, what company I was going to be working for out in China, etc. We chatted for about 20 minutes and he wrote down some details for his "friend," then went off to work.
At the end of the day, I was packing all of my stuff to leave and a few of my coworkers were coming over to say their goodbyes. Don't get me wrong, the Leon incident aside, I had a wonderful time working at that company and I made a lot of great friends.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Leon approaching, but I think, "What's the harm?" He says goodbye and wishes me luck on my new adventure.
Then, as I'm literally walking out the door of the department, I hear him call out, "See you in China!"
For the first two weeks of my teacher training over there, I was like a hawk, keeping a constant lookout for this guy. He never did follow me out to China, but it still remains one of the creepiest encounters of my life.
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to creepyencounters [link] [comments]
2020.11.23 23:44 Sunshine61177 AITA for "hiding" my mom's (and dad's) money?
I love my mom, but she's terrible when it comes to balancing a checkbook. Even she will freely admit it. My sister was balancing my mom's checkbook for her, but when I found out that my sister was charging mom to do it, I flipped out and agreed to take over. (C'mon, who charges their mother to help her when mom has spent her entire life helping her kids out?)
I've been keeping track of her checkbook for awhile now and we have a system; my mom goes out, gets what she needs, brings the receipts back to me, I'll balance her checkbook and give her a piece of paper with the date and her balance. I balance it a few times a week and again, it seemed to work out well for us.
Over the past few months, I noticed that she's overdrawn her account a few times despite me telling her that she only has $X left. My parents (dad is even worse than mom with money) rely on pension and social security to get them through the month since they're in their 70's and retired. I should mention that I also took over paying her bills for her as well. I set up all her bills for online pay and created a spreadsheet so every month I list the amount due on the sheet, give it to my mom to review, pay, record the confirmation numbers, and give her a balance after everything has been paid.
The problem I started running into is that after the bills are paid, my parents should have enough money to get them through to the next month. They're not wealthy but shouldn't be struggling either based on what I record, so why is she getting overdraft notices? I've spent hours trying to figure out what's going on and realized that when she goes to the bank and gets a receipt with a balance, she thinks that's what's in her account. She didn't understood that some payments aren't automatically taken out and may take a few days to process.
To fix this, I started "hiding" money from her. I don't take any money out of her account and I'm not even authorized to do so. I hide the money by putting a couple hundred dollars off to the side after paying the bills and as the month goes along, I'll sneak a few dollars back into her available balance a little at a time. Since I've been doing this, she hasn't overdrawn her account even once. When she looks at her receipts from the bank and asks why there's so much money in her account, I'll tell her that the car insurance hasn't posted or the house payment hasn't been taken out yet. Sometimes it is true and sometimes I'm setting money aside for the end of the month when money is tight.
I mentioned what I'm doing in passing to my sister (the same one who charged my mother) and she told me that I'm an AH for hiding mom's money from her. It turned into an argument about what was worse, charging mom to balance her checkbook vs. hiding money from her. I thought that I was doing it to help my mom out, especially at the end of the month when money gets a little bit tighter but now I just don't know. So, AITA for hiding my mom's money from her?
EDIT #1: I received a few messages about it and I want to add that I have no way to get into my parent's account and physically take the money. When I say I hide money, it's still in her account, but instead of saying she has $100 to spend, I'll say she has $50 even though the full $100 is in the account. A week later if she's spent $30, I would hand her another piece of paper stating that she still has $40 left in her account (even though it's really $70). I hope everyone understands and I didn't make it more confusing. I keep her account balanced on an Excel spreadsheet that automatically calculated what she spends and I highlight the line as soon as it clears in the bank. I would NEVER steal money from anyone, especially the woman who gave me life.
Another thing I wanted to say but ran out of room in my OP was that this has already helped them out. Earlier in the year, their water heater stopped working and I magically found enough money for them to buy a new one. My absolute wonderful sweetheart neighbor next door is a retired maintenance man/pipefitter so he graciously installed it for them as well. It was something little like this, knowing that they had the money to get it fixed that reinforced my thought process that I was doing the right thing. I appreciate and accept everybody's judgment though. Thanks.
UPDATE: First off, I want to thank everybody who commented and gave suggestions on how I can help my parents even further with their finances. I received a lot of helpful advice and am going to weigh the options and sit down and have a formal discussion with both of my parents about their finances and ways that I can help them out.
As for my mom, I had a small talk with her this morning and to be honest, I'm apparently not and AHole, but I am a foolish idiot for thinking that my mom didn't already know what was going on. Apparently she's known for months that I put her and my father on a budget. When I asked her how she wants me to proceed going forward, she told me that she likes the system I came up with and to not change anything. My parents have been trying to do small maintenance items around the house because once this pandemic passes, they plan to sell their house and move into something smaller (most likely a small ranch-style home with everything on one level and a much much smaller yard) and me "hiding" money has helped with the renovations. She's also happy that since Christmas is coming up, she has a little bit of a stipend so that she can spoil her new great grandson (my niece had a baby in August). Turns out I wasn't being sneaky at all.
Moral of the story: I'm never going to be able to get one over on my mama! LOL! In all sincerity, I want to thank everybody who helped me out and suggested ways that I can do even more to improve their financial situation. People make fun of Reddit, but you have truly helped me out. THANK YOU!
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2020.11.23 22:25 saengjan [Personal opinion] Start-Up and its general audience reaction, its parallel model of the real world, and how we can view the series as we go through the plot
| || | submitted by saengjan to StartUpShow [link] [comments]
Reposted from asiandrama
(originally posted in KDRAMA
but this is considered an on-air discussion)
Hello everyone. So this has been running around my mind, and hopefully I can help engaging healthy discussions in this post. I'll be talking about how I viewed Start-Up, a currently airing K-drama, contrasted with how the writer desires to narrate the story to the general viewers. Silicon Valley culture and present-day corporate world Silicon Valley in San Francisco, California
It is apparent in present-day companies that they are somewhat influenced by the Silicon Valley culture and millennial-friendly work setups, and previous generations (actually, even some millennials who began their careers at old-school companies) are getting a hard time understanding that truth. I remember one of my uncles saying that it’s so impossible for a company to offer free lunch meals everyday at the office, while I’m at the office lining up getting free lunch. They also can’t believe that some companies prioritize personal growth at some point, while not necessarily disregarding the company vision. I’ve mostly been working with companies that embrace that culture, and all of these culture adaptations came from Silicon Valley.
This culture enabled one of the most talked upon entrepreneur bootstrapping methods, the so-called startup. Many envisioned millennials suddenly see this amazing culture fitting into their visions and dreams. This is the heart of a currently airing K-drama, which is named Start-Up. Sand Box: a perceived parallel image to Silicon Valley Sand Box, a fictional startup kickstarter
We see a so-called Sand Box, a fictional startup kickstarter district in Korea, parallelized with California’s Silicon Valley. The Sand Box building, as everyone saw in the series, is encompassed with what Silicon Valley was known for. Offering nice office spaces, free food, and conducive working environments are some of its key aspects. This attracted the attention of the main protagonists in the story, thus thinking about starting a business in Sand Box. The Start-Up narrative Start-Up's main protagonists
The story started with an emotional backstory that attracted viewers’ attention. There were siblings that had arguing parents - a father who was sick of the corporate world and wanted to start a new company with a vision, and a mother who wanted to get away from struggling financially. Their parents’ relationship suddenly went down, and their mother wanted a divorce. At the end, the father with a vision suddenly died, but the mother lived in luxury because of marrying another man who is a chaebol and had one of the siblings (Won In-jae) live with them. Seo Dal-mi and Won In-jae, the siblings in the story
The side story to this sad situation is a young orphan who wants to live his life on his own and start his career all by himself, shadowed with a harsh childhood, which significantly molded his generally cold personality towards most people. Suddenly, the siblings’ grandmother noticed this guy and offered him a place to sleep. While their artificial mother-son relationship starts to grow, the grandmother suddenly asks this guy to write fake letters to the sibling who was left with her father. Here, an emotional rollercoaster is bound to be present in the series.
All after giving this one-episode long story, we were brought to a time leap to 2016, where three geek guys who finished computer science and engineering degrees decided to establish a startup, with a guy named Nam Do-san primarily running it. Looking back through the one-episode long backstory, this guy’s name was used for the fake letters because the young orphan saw his name in the newspaper. The guys at Samsan Tech
Focusing on the three guys, they were typical stereotypes
of the common computer geek. They were obsessed with coding, and like me, they were amazed with AI and computer imagery, therefore adding it as a basic component of their company. They were kids in their mid-20s dreaming to start a business, and as what is expected of amateurs in the startup industry, they weren’t getting any investments in the company.
Contrastingly, the young orphan is now the person whom we know as Han Ji-pyeong, a successful venture capitalist who has experience working with the tech industry. Cutting every detail short, we now see this guy suddenly meeting halfway with the geek guys, however a rivalry was bound to start because of how these people didn’t come up with an agreeable negotiation with meeting the sibling (Seo Dal-mi) whose fake letters were sent to. The plot timeline and perceived character developments The plot timeline
We can see the time plot focusing on the 2016 story*, where 12 episodes were dedicated to that time period alone. Based on the narratives, we can estimate a total running time of around 7-8 months in the plot squeezed into 11 and one-fourth** episode.
[* the 2016 setting can be inferred upon the cellphone dates seen when watching the drama]
[** the three-fourth is dedicated to the backstory]
Here, this suddenly makes a weird perception of the series. Why did the series focus on this timeline most of the time? By thinking over it, one thing was sure to me. The writer designed this series to make people focus on how businesses are created in the startup industry, but also, it included a somewhat awkward storyline to create a love story between the main protagonists, which generally also affected the perception of the public viewers. This is actually considered a slow-paced storyline, in which the viewers were fooled thinking that the startup venture took so long before the demo day, that is, the day where the companies in the startup kickstarter are pitted upon the products that they have made. All the people are watching is a very small percentage of the story between all the characters in the plot. This fooled a lot of viewers regarding the character development of the protagonists, as well as other characters in the story. It seems like on the 12 episodes alone, almost no one got a significant character development, although we can also see some improvements in the way they think in the series. In short, the developments seem not enough at all, and are waiting to unfold in the last 4 episodes of the series. The acqhiring stuff: the pros and cons Also, the acqhiring stuff that happened in the series was perceived negatively in the series. In the real world, this scenario can be both viewed positively and negatively. This method allows outstanding individuals to be absorbed in a large company, with big compensations that are rated at an all time high compared to the regular employees in the company. It's a fact however, that this will cause some people to be disbanded from the acquired company because they lack some qualifications. That is what happened in Episode 12, and it seems that everything went down so fast. In reality, it is an opportunity for the founders to expand their skill set, and once they decide to resign from the acquiring company, they still have the funds at the end of the day. This is what we need to look closely on the next episodes. Why doesn’t the plot seem to sit well upon most viewers?
Most K-dramas are focused on constant character development. This is the reason why some series sit well upon viewers. For example, Crash Landing on You
executed a clear character development with the female and male protagonists, and the details are well-delivered in every episode. When The Camellia Blooms
also focused on constant character development between most of the characters while being distracted by a killer substory in the plot.
Start-Up wasn’t written to run that way. It is clear that the main focus of the 12 episodes alone are about running a business, alongside an unconventional love story plot. Also included is a deep character execution of most* characters, which caused a lot of discussions and arguments in social media and other platforms. This also caused a lot of hate with the main male protagonist, as well as other characters that seem to fare badly in the series.
[* some characters were not that expounded, ex. Won In-jae] What to think about all the protagonists in the story?
It’s still enough to think about all characters rationally. Some might not understand how the main male protagonist doesn’t seem to engage well with his personality. Some also get angry because the second male lead is a primary example of a company executive who lash out on their employees, with some calling it constructive criticism.
Without understanding the context on why the series is written in such a way, emotions will always come first for those watching the series, causing them to have a hazy understanding of the story. I’m still happy that some people don’t watch the series this way. Nam Do-san
In reality, however, most of the claims written by viewers can be considered valid. For example, Nam Do-san really doesn’t go well with maturity yet in the series. This personality, based on personal experience, is actually common with many computer science and engineering graduates, myself included. Many youths have a vision in their head but they still need to deal with the harsh reality of this world. They act with emotions rather than being rational. Han Ji-pyeong
On the other hand, Han Ji-pyeong was generally being nitpicky and showed signs of lacking trust in people. We all knew that the series is based on Silicon Valley. How is this reality connected with how Han Ji-pyeong acts in the series? As cited on Wharton’s article (2019), millennials who work in Silicon Valley “want...the same as everybody else. Essentially, it’s just to be treated well, to be treated with dignity, to be treated with respect.” His character appears to miss this fact and as a result of his harsh past, he lashes out on other people who fail to meet his standards. The present-day Silicon Valley culture view this attitude as unacceptable. What is the essence of having this K-drama aired on cable TV and Netflix?
Simply showing how businesses should be kickstarted is one of the essence of having this K-drama aired into everyone’s small screen. The series also suggests life lessons that might not stick well with the harsh reality of the world. Sadly, many fans don’t get a clear picture about this. I’m hoping that for the next episodes, everything can be cleared out for everyone, considering that we are now away with the 2016 setting.
Citation source: How Silicon Valley's Work Culture Made Everyone Miserable (upenn.edu)
Images used in this post are grabbed online, credits to all of them (sorry, I didn't have the time to cite them completely) I'd be happy to read some comments from viewers too. I hope that I expounded well on this post. Thanks!
2020.11.23 22:11 C-elegant To my ex, the man I still love.
Everyone keeps telling me it isn't healthy to keep seeing you. All I'm doing is occasionally bringing Lydia over for visits. Its not like I'm stalking you online, or throwing myself at you every time we see each other. No on hides their judgement when I tell them I don't want to hurt you, that I care too much about you to take the animals and cut you out of my life. I don't have to tell them that its because I'm still in love with you, they can just tell because there is no other reason to put myself through this pain. When we see each other it hurts because you moved on so fast, and rejected me when I told you I wanted to try again. You have been dating someone else for probably 6 of the barely 12 months we have been apart. You are looking out for yourself, and that is allowed. I just wish I could do the same. I'm grieving the loss of our relationship while you're flourishing from it.
I'm afraid to move on. Imagining my life without you feels like imagining a life as a completely different person. But I don't want to hurt anymore, and you have made it clear you don't want to be with me. I'm doing everything everyone tells me to do. I'm even dating someone who I have feelings for. But like you have said about your girlfriend, it isn't as intense as it was with you. To me that means we're not in love. I fell in love with you almost immediately, and through all the bad times, through fights, and even our break up, I still love you. It didn't matter what I was feeling or doing, I lit up when I saw you, and I still do.
I over analyze everything you say, trying to decide if a part of you wants me back. We didn't break up because we don't love each other, we broke up because we didn't know how to fix things. So if I move on, there will be nothing to bring us back together. Moving on means giving up, and accepting that for the rest of my life I will be in love with someone who I can't be with.
I can't force myself to fall out of love with you, but I can try and reduce the things that hurt me. So I want the cat at my apartment. I can't stand the idea of someone else having my best friend and the love of my life. And it hurts even more to imagine her in exactly my spot, replacing me. She is with you, sitting on our old couch, petting the cat and taking the dog camping. I don't know what you are feeling, but it seems like you're doing just fine. Yeah I'm dating someone else too, but I asked for you back and you said no. You're not experiencing the same pain I am. Taking the cat back is a step towards a life without you, and its the only step I'm comfortable with right now.
I can't even imagine you moving out of the city. I applied for some jobs in Montreal and now it would seem like I followed you there. Maybe I would be. I can't trust myself. I'm both happy to see you doing so well, and hurt that the only difference was that I'm not there with you.
I just wish we could try again. All relationships take work. If we still love each other we need to buck up and put in the work to make things right. No relationship is effortless and love isn't handed out like free candy. So why wait another day? Why let another moment pass without all the emotions, safety, passion, and love that we have when we are together? I'm sorry we let things get bad before. I'm sorry for all the stress I have caused you, for devaluing you, for brushing off your needs. I know better now. I really believe trying again would be as magical as falling in love all over again.
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