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PEE IN HE BUTT

2018.04.25 08:01 Kesha_Paul PEE IN HE BUTT

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2012.06.12 00:19 3insteel Michigan Beer Enthiusists

Subreddit for Michigan craft beer enthusiasts and Brewers guild members.
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2020.11.26 14:22 OkSilas Active Duty SM, Desperately needing help

I’m a PFC 11B (Infantry) currently stationed in Schofield Barracks. I’ve deployed and done a lot of cool stuff in the Army that I’ll never forget. Unfortunately I have PTSD now along with Major Depressive disorder, And severe anxiety. I suffer daily panic attacks, I’ve attempted suicide a number of times, I’ve been struggling for over a year now. Therapy, Meds, Procedures, Psychotherapy, Counseling’s, you name it and I’ve done it. The trials of trying to live with this illness has been a grueling test on my will to live. I have a 4 month old son, it’s been hard for me to connect with him (and everyone else) but he’s my reason. He didn’t do anything to deserve not having a father in his life. PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, have ruined everything in my life. Everything. It’s the fault of the one who assaulted me and also my fault for being so ignorant to accepting al the treatment I have done. I always wanted to get better but never had any hope. Only way I thought I could get better is if I somehow was able to erase these memories that haunt me day in and day out. I am not the only one affected by this. I have a family. A newborn son who rarely has interaction with his dad beyond a diaper change or a rock on the chair trying to calm down. A family who has reached out to me, sometimes desperately just asking me to at least reply that I am alive or see there messages. Friends back home who think I just moved on from them. And a wife who sees the man she loved go cold and distant. No affection, no more spark in my eye, no more dates or movie nights. She saw the man she loved struggle to remember to do things, to take care of the house, to take care of her or the baby. She saw a child that used to be the man of her dreams. Saw him crying in his bed every night because he can’t stop the panic attacks, can’t stop the memories from fucking haunting him. Eventually she just all together stopped seeing me as her husband, and saw just a shattered broken shell of who I once was. I have hurt myself and tried to kill myself more times than I hope my son ever has to hear about. Luckily I failed a few months ago, that time I really tried to pull it off. But I failed which ended with me going to the psych ward. Turns out there is a place worse than dying or living and it’s not 30th AG, it’s probably any and every psych ward that’s ran by a military hospital. I didn’t learn my lesson though. I didn’t appreciate that I have life when others don’t. That what happened to me happened to someone else and they are still here. There is always someone who has it worse that still finds the will to live. I could not be that person. I didn’t want to be that person. I wanted these memories gone because nothing will stop these panic attacks, nothing will stop me from reliving those horrible experiences over and over again. Like I was fucking there. Just over and over again. I might as well be fucking there. There’s no lesson to be learned from what happened to me besides the fact that our brains are fucking powerful. They can blur the line between reality and what just in your head. Make you feel so shitty that your body starts to physically have complications and new problems emerge that inhibit your physically capabilities. I do not wish this disease or whatever you call it on anyone. Not even my abuser. I was raped, multiple times. Not gunna share details but it was by a superior and I had proof which is why the Army has decided to medically discharge me. Kinda like a “Hey sorry we couldn’t prevent this from happening to you and ruined your fucking life, but here’s some money every month!”. Yeah I know, I couldn’t prevented it and should’ve. I’m a fucking guy. Just fight back. Fight till the fucking death if you have to. That’s what any guy would do. It’s the “guy code”. Rather die than let someone fucking rape me. Every lives by that rule. I couldn’t fight back. It was a fucked up situation, I was still training. Just fucked up and I fucked up. I KNOW I FUCKED UP. Trust me I fucking know. Just fucked up, disgusting, horrible shit. Sometimes the best way to live on through trauma is to just tell yourself it never happened. Can’t think to deeply while you’re still training. The goal was to be a soldier. I fucked up and new this shit will haunt me, but I needed to be a soldier. I needed this blue chord, I needed to be seen as a soldier and not a fucking failure and a fucking victim. I was meant to be in the Infantry. I earned my right to be here. I qualified expert whenever tested, I ruck at ranger pace, I rock the APFT and ACFT. Land nav, Commo, Driving, Mount and Dismount tactics, Heavy weapons, I learned so much shit and loved it. Infantry is one of the shittiest jobs where you also get treated the shittiest. But we fucking fight wars boots on the ground and sometimes get to do shit no one else gets to that makes all the hard work and hardships feel worth it. I was a good soldier. As time went on and I stopped being the new private and everything started to get more relaxed and easy. My symptoms and problems just got way worse. I was already facing a Field grade article 15 for using Kratom. I fought that case and appealed to brigade and fucking won. I struggled with being in trouble, a pregnant ass wife, and being harassed as a new private. To being treated like a normal soldier, having a newborn son and literally beating an entire brigade legal team on my own. How did I celebrate? You guessed it, tried to kill myself. I had all these distractions that took my mind off of what happened to me. Once they ended or got easier, the memories came back and they fucking came for blood. This painful journey has made me realize that not everyone will be there for you. You’ll shut out most and the ones still in your life, the ones that can sympathize or empathize. They can only do so for so long. As more time passes but no progress is made. They lose sight of why you are struggling. They forget that you are struggling. They think you just don’t care about them. Think you are lazy, selfish, and just simply don’t care. My new leadership saw me as a problem soldier. I never told anyone besides my providers and Sharp NCO’s what happened to me. I wanted my company and anyone else here to either see me as my rank or my last name. I didn’t want to be seen as that guy who was raped, or that guy who claims he was raped, or what the fuck ever. I sought help on my own. I just wanted to get better but I can’t be normal if people didn’t treat me normal. So I kept this burden mostly to myself. No one new why I had problems. So of course I faced the dark side of Infantry and Army culture. I was treated like I just can’t handle Army life. Like I was weak and didn’t like to work. I have been called so many names and have been told so many stories about what people have said behind my back. It’s sickening. To see someone in the Army. Someone on your own fucking company that you deployed with. That has seen your accomplishments and your dedication to the cause. Just assume the worst in you because you are struggling. I try to hurt myself not just because of what happened but also because of this disgusting environment that preaches loyalty and respect but will cut you off and think the worst of you if you can’t keep up. Every time I felt like I was making progress with my treatment, I would get pushed the fuck back down either by service members or my own wife. My own wife?! Yes my own fucking wife. The women I fell in love with almost 3 years ago. The women I unfortunately had to share the horrible experience of a late term miscarriage with. That event brought us close but also pushed us apart. It hurt us. We stayed apart for a few months. During that time I moved to Indiana, I needed a fresh start. Everything kept reminding me of our lost baby. I wanted my fiancé back but I was too late. Found out she joined the National Guard and was in red phase of basic training. I wrote to her, I wanted her back. I still loved her and felt guilty we couldn’t try harder to be together. I felt like she deserved me to try harder because of that horrible experience. I failed. But that connection was still there and I drove 20 hours to her graduation and re-proposed to her. I always wanted to be in the Army. I always believed in and supported the Army. I admired what our soldiers have sacrificed to give us this country, and saw soldiers today as people who were strong and selfless. My life was good, my job was great, and my girl is back. I had the house, new car, fenced yard, beautiful and loyal German shepherd, and a solid network I built while I was in Indiana. I was content. I found a way to stop being so sad about losing our baby. He’s in heaven and won’t be alone forever. I’ll see him one day. Until then it was up to me to never forget about him. He did happen and I need to always remember that and keep his memory alive. Before I said goodbye to my wife and returned back to Indiana. I couldn’t stop myself from getting inspired to enlist. I never been on a base before, I saw all these new graduates who actually fucking did it. They didn’t just talk about doing it, they fucking enlisted and did it. I knew I needed to enlist. It was right for me to do it. It would give me that higher perspective and appreciation for life to just give up everything I worked so hard to get and trade it in for service of our country. On my way home I told my wife I’m thinking about enlisting, of course she said don’t do it. When I got back I made it apparent that I’m gunna try to enlist, she was very upset and wanted me to wait. Her reason was because she doesn’t want to wait for me. I was like “but I waited for you and still waiting for you to graduate ait”. Eventually she said to wait till she gets back so she can go to meps with me. I was like “why? That’s so weird”. Yeah well she wanted to make sure I don’t choose Infantry. She literally said she will leave me without hesitation if I join infantry. Well I already had meps scheduled later that week and you can prob guess the job I had reserved. Infantry was the only thing I wanted to do if I ever joined the army. Since I was a kid, I saw the army as the infantry. The ones who do the grown man shit. The ones who fight and win our wars. Well of course when she finished AIT and moved into my house. Everything was going good the first day until I went to work. Only took her two hours to find my enlistment contract. Boy did I get a earful but once I pointed out the 30k bonus, she started to not care. I should’ve seen that as a red flag. 45 days later and I’m off to Fort Benning. That year was a year of new love, tragedy, sadness, being lost and being found again. It’s a story that I’ll always appreciate. Because those events were so original and so impactful. I grew so much that year. I’ll skip the events that occurred during basic training and fast forward to the day my child was born. Imagine seeing your first born child and feeling NOTHING. Absolutely fucking nothing. I knew my problems were so getting worse. I can’t even connect with my first born fucking son. What the fuck is wrong with me? You’re supposed to feel something for your first born. It’s not fucking normal. Everything else got worse. I couldn’t keep up with the house work, all the problems I listed earlier just got worse. I wasn’t just doing nothing all day but my wife had to pick up my slack. She never accepted that. Since my problems started to affect her and our relationship. She never accepted that I was struggling. I would tell her over and over again that I’m going through some shit and it’s serious. Never accepted it. Even after I attempted and got out of the psych ward, she’d hold off for a few days before treating me like shit again. Even when my medical discharge got approved and I started the med board process, she still never accepted that I was struggling. I would tell her so many times “Babe I’m fucking depressed, the doctors are saying I have ptsd. I know you have to work harder but I’m fucking trying to get better. It won’t be forever. I’m the one whose been working and supporting us since we met. IM THE ONE WHOSE ACTIVE DUTY, I DEPLOYED, I GET TREATED LIKE SHIT IN THE ARMY LIKE ALL THE OTHER NEW PRIVATES”. But I always reassured her it’s not forever. I would tell her “I DID ALL OF THAT WORK, I SACRIFICED MY FREEDOM AND MY RIGHTS, I PAY FOR EVERYTHING. I deserve time to get better and fix myself. YOU! Owe me this time for me to heal. You don’t work and there’s not really much to do for the upkeep of the house. Baby is newborn and I still change the diapers”. No man wants to see his wife do more work because of his actions, but I was STRUGGLING. I was raised right, I know how to treat women and people fairly. But I’m as struggling. I am struggling. She never accepted it. Her arguments eventually went from “When are you going to get better?” To “You are selfish, You never do anything for me!, I do all the work and you’ve provided nothing for this family!” “You don’t care about me, You don’t even care about your own son, all you care about is yourself because you’re a fucking selfish piece of shit!”. If I had a few hours to write down all the horrible things she has said, all the times she has slapped me, hit me, threw things at me. She became a nightmare. I hated being at home more than I hated being at work. My home wasn’t a home. She would see me crying or sad or whatever. And still make me feel like fucking shit, why? Idk maybe it was the dishes or maybe I took to long in the shower. The smallest things made her blow up. Best way to make her mad? Yeah you guessed it....MONEY. All my paychecks were getting deposited into her account. She would give me half every payday. Thing is...I pay 90% of the bills. So since I’m the one working and paying all the bills, naturally I’ll need more money than her sometimes. She didn’t like that. She would get furious that I need HER money. Every time I needed to borrow money from her she would never let me live it down. My wife just got worse and worse and worse. To the point that’s even my therapist and psychiatrist agreed that I should divorce her. Imagine how bad someone’s relationship must be that your own therapists who’ve seen you in the hospital after a attempted suicide not even 2 months ago are giving you the green light to start divorcing your wife. That’s how bad she got. She used my problems to define me. My illness to manipulate me and my money to hold power over me. I was able to ignore it for so long because fighting the demons in my head was always the priority. But I had enough. I’d rather struggle on my own than live with someone who just encourages this disease to take control of me. I tried to divorce her in the past but always backed off whenever she’d get upset and want me back. This time I stood my ground. I made it past her sad phase and saw her be mean and heartless for not getting her way. We argued. She’d threaten to take my son and sell my stuff, I’d threaten to make her life hell if she did that. Near the end we came to a agreement. She can’t switch to active duty if she is single with a kid, so I told her I will give her as much a time as she needs to get her things in order before we divorce. I also told her to write down any number you see fit for monthly child support and I will put that in writing and we will put that in the divorce papers. I told her I will never hurt her because hurting her will affect our son. I told her I’m not mad at her, it’s just we aren’t meant to be.
 I owed a lot of money. Over 600$ negative in the checking account. I had to pay a lot of bills and was buying takeout for us too much and not paying attention to my spending. I could have remedied this and saved hundreds in fines if I asked my wife for money. But I chose to get fucked in fines instead of dealing with my wife treated me like shit day and and day out for spending HER money. She would make me feel so fucking shitty if I told her I ran out of money and need to borrow money. Wasn’t worth it. But I fucked and didn’t realized I owed 600! So I switched my paychecks to deposit in my account. I new money was gunna be real tight and needed to have control of it because my wife won’t hold back her spending or believe I only had a couple hundred left after having to make a car payment that was due on payday. My wife freaked out cuz it was payday and she just knew I switched the payments to my account. I think she had like a reminder on the app set and saw it deposited. Anyways I received hell for controlling our money behind her back and she asked me who I was spending the money on. I just ignored it cuz right after she asked for her half. I have her 100$ and told her why and to please try and stretch it as much as possible. I told her I have 200$ and want to keep track of it since I’m really worried we might run out early. I said if you need more money just ask me and I’ll give you more and then we can reassess what we have left. She didn’t like that. “You don’t care about me! I can’t live off this! You expect me and the baby to live off 100$!, You are just gunna screw me in the divorce I knew it!” And so much more. Now around the same time this was happening she kept telling me to move back into the barracks since we are getting divorced, that the house is meant for her and not for me, threatening me saying she’ll call the mp’s and say I’m abusing her if I don’t leave. but at the same time trying to sound nice and that she’s doing this or wants me to do this because it’s good for me! I wanna be alone so much so why not move into the barracks? I told her that makes no sense. But that weekend the day after I pay her, she tells me she needs money for gas. I was like ok 35$. She comes home, needs money for food and gas. I was like you spent all the money I gave you? That’s like half of what we had left in only a day! But she was calm and just kept saying she has a lot of stuff to do tomorrow and the next day. I knew something was up because she didn’t just have no money in her bank before I payed her. She always has at least a grand and will make my life hell of it ever falls below. But she simply said that she owes a lot on the credit cards so she needs money. I was like “but you only need to make a minimum payment on the cards” then she blew up saying because that one time I made two small Amazon purchases and mistakenly used her card and not mine (share the same account) that it’s my fault she owes 1500$ on her Amazon card. I’d name off all the times she’s used my card to buy shit everywhere but I’m sure you can imagine it’s more than what I’ve done to her. Whatever, pay her, she leaves and I go to work. After work my command sits me down and tells me that my wife filed a restraining order against me. That they are gunna escort me to my house and the mp’s and my wife will be there and I’m to get what I need to survive and they’ll move me into the barracks. I was shocked but in my head I was just thinking “ok she feels threatened by the divorce that I may try and take advantage, so she just letting me know not to fuck with her”. Well I get there and she’s telling them to give her my motorcycle because she’s the main signer. I tell ok I’ll just take my brand new fucking car. Oh what I shock they need proof and all my papers for my car were missing. Whatever, I started using testosterone because I used to be very muscular am 35 pound underweight because I don’t eat. Wife supported it and wanted me to get back to my normal size. Never a problem. Oh until the mp’s give my platoon leader the testosterone and tell them “it’s not illegal for him to have this, we are gunna do anything about this, but she told us to give it to you guys”. Steroids are illegal in the Army. Drug offenses carry the harshest punishment. Almost always a guaranteed career ender. I grabbed some clothes and my equipment and moved into the shitty barracks. They said they fear for my safety and fear I might retaliate so every hour I had to check in at staff duty and twice a night someone will pound on my fucking door waking me up to do a physical check in. So naturally as someone struggling with ptsd who just had every single thing that ever gave him comfort or sense of peace and security, has that all ripped away from him and then added measures that strip away what little privacy he has left, of course I downed a whole bottle of pills and ended up going to the hospital. I got released, had to lie and sober myself as hard as I could. But I was not gunna go back to the psych ward. I’ll never go back there. You don’t need much to file a restraining order and don’t even need any proof or evidence. But that wasn’t my wife. No she wrote that I threaten her, I threaten the baby, the dogs, I try to hurt her, I’m forceful on her, I steal her credit cards and she has to sleep with her cards under her pillow at night. I stole her engagement ring and sold it (kinda funny because she literally returned it while I was deployed and luckily she did it on my Amazon account cuz I have all the proof I need) she said the worst things any pissed off ex lover who was out for blood could do. Disgusting. Fucking disgusting that people can do that shit. I gave her everything, our sons got everything. Nothing touched him or came near him that wasn’t brand new and the best quality. My house had everything, brand new cars, 70’ TVs, TVs in every room, king sized foam beds in the bedrooms, Xbox, iMac, laptops, grill, baby clothes for th next two years, everything you could possibly need for a baby. Stroller, car seat, everything new and the best quality. We ate good we bought as much food as we wanted and whatever we wanted. I was a good provider and still a very decent husband even when my struggles were getting worse. I didn’t deserve this. I understand people are people. No ones evil. She loved me once and she’s doing this because in her mind it’s justified. Its what she needs to do. People are people. But I didn’t deserve this. I’m losing my medical discharge because she gave them the steroids. I’m facing a field grade article 15 and a bad conduct discharge after the punishment is completed. I’m not fucking fixed. I’m not prepared to be back in the civilian world without any retirement pay, without any transition support, no benefits. Nothing. A stain on my record showing I was kicked out of the Army. I can’t see my son, I can’t see my dog whose a trained and certified support dog, I lost everything. I didn’t secure all my stuff at my house so as the days went on she got on my computer and read all my messages and basically went through my entire phone (phone syncs to iMac). She maxed out my credit and debit card making a 200$ purchase on a website that literally only sells makeup and clothes. Also a 45$ purchase at Starbucks. And a fuck ton of attempted purchases on Amazon that gave me a lot of fees. She read all the messages between me and the legal assistance I was contacting for help. I was struggling to find help here and talked to multiple people and while they all said I can’t afford them they did give me pointers on how to fight this case. My wife saw it ALL. She told my mom to give her money because she saw me ask my money for money for food and my mom gave me 50$. She also told my command that I was withholding money from her. I fucking folded. I couldn’t stand this anymore. I kept seeing my son every time I blink and felt so fucking guilty that I didn’t try harder to connect with him. That I might not see him before the divorce is settled. I might be discharged and back on the mainland (I’m in Hawaii) before I can see my fucking son again. So I broke the restraining order. I called her and told her “look you fucking win, I give up. Everything I have is yours and the divorce will be in your favor. Just let me see me son, I need to see him.” Her only response was “Everything you own is already mine and you will never see your son again”. I called her again and she just started calling me names and saying I don’t deserve anything and all that horrible shit. Then hangs up. So I fucking texted her and told her what happened to me why I’m like this. She thinks I struggle because I don’t really struggle I’m just selfish? No I’ll let you know why I struggle. So I told her everything. Wrote my fucking heart out. What does she do? Well at first I just didn’t hear back from her. Ok whatever, it was worth a shot. Maybe she just didn’t want o reply or just didn’t care. Whatever. I’m just telling her I was depressed because I was raped and assaulted repeatedly. Whatever. Well a few hours later I get arrested. As soon as I called her she recorded me and send the videos and the texts to the police saying I violated a restraining order. I went to jail and got out yesterday morning. Jail is very hard especially when you have these kinds of demons in your head. I had 4 violations of breaking a restraining order. They take this very seriously in Hawaii I realized. First offense is minim and mandatory 48hours , second is minimum 30days, third is minimum and mandatory year in jail. I had 4 offenses. My bail was 7 grand that’s why I had to stay the night till I saw a judge. Luckily I was able to convince the judge to release me. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be spending it alone. I don’t know what to do Reddit I need help. Legal assistance is closed till Tuesday and I can’t even go in and schedule until I attend a briefing on Thursday. Court is Monday for the restraining order and Tuesday for the violation. My career, my freedom, my stuff, my dog, and most importantly my son. Can all and most likely will be taken from me right after I spend the whole weekend suffering alone while everyone is with there families. I need fucking help. I need to fight this. I served my fucking country. I payed karma her dues dealing with this sickness, I was a good husband and a great provider for my family. I deserve the chance to be with my son and not in jail. It’s not right for my wife to just do this and get away with it. You can’t just do that to someone. Like my wife is a service member also and she has her law degree. She knew what she was doing. My kid doesn’t deserve this. I won’t make it 2 days after courts over. I’m gunna lose. I have nothing prepared. It’s hard to prepare without any lawyers present. Just your fucking demons haunting your brain. I need fucking help. I can’t prove she’s lying, I have hard proof. I just can’t do this on my own. I’ve been fighting for too long. I want to fucking live and get better. I don’t want this to go down the way it’s heading. It’s not fucking fair. 
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2020.11.26 01:25 hallissyc Beginner - Need Some Help

Ok - so first things first, I am not smoking for Thanksgiving. In fact, I don't even have a smoker. We recently moved into a new house and are looking to establish ourselves in the backyard with regard to our grilling options. Our old house had a gas grill in the back that we really loved and grew accustomed to using essentially nightly. Our new house doesn't have anything like this, though. We are a large family too - my wife and I + 4 kids (triplets and another).
I have been looking at grills and smokers and need some advice. I would like the most bang for my buck initially. I need a unit that can do it all, if possible. We like to eat chicken, steaks, burgers, hot dogs, etc. I'd like to get into smoking.
My budget is sub-$2k; I have been looking at BGE, Joe, Traeger, RecTeq, and Yoder. Help a brother out!
submitted by hallissyc to smoking [link] [comments]


2020.11.25 11:28 leleopin Im feeling quite lost right now....

I'm a 23yr old male living in Brazil with my parents, 1 brother, 1 sister and 57 cats. Photographer and astrophotographer, also feeling quite lost. I had several traumas during my growth which caused me many problems in my adolescence, when i was 3, i developed a big fear for gunshots or any poppin' sound near me which i didn't knew the source. It all started in 2000s, my father was a cop, we lived in a quite bad neighborhood but people there didn't knew my father was a cop. Someday a thief tried to jump in our house, our house dog (a Saint Bernard weighing around 60kgs) quickly kicked him out with some wounds, my father quickly reported to his cop friends and the search for the thief has started. Cops would do their job to arrest the thief and life should go on, right? NOPE. They caught almost every "bad appearence" guy (i live in a racist country, so think about the easiness to get someone in a outskirt neighborhood) and brought then in front of our house, asking my family if one of them looked like the thief. Such a great idea, isn't? Bringing all the bad guys of the neighborhood in front of a cop house, which they didn't knew was a cop there, in a matter of days the threats started, everyday was a insecure day, after the threats started, we had cops patrolling near our house everyday, even the police helicopter started to fly by our house near 7~8pm, i still remember seeing it every day and running out into the house (i used to play alone in the porch/garden). Then the shootings started near our house, i don't have many memories from that, but i still remember running straight to under the bed every time i heard something, even if it was just fireworks. I had this in my life until i was around 9yr old, my worst trauma/phobia started when i was 8yr old, by that time we already moved to another city, where my father's family live and he got a transfer to work as a cop (he was a cop until 2004~). We used to live in a big condominium, had many friends of my age, 3 swimming pools, a football court, 2 playgrounds and many trees, which had me a perfect childhood, now about my phobia, it all started when me, my sister (4yrs old), and my brother (12yrs old) got an virosis, until a certain point, we knew that only my brother was sick, and we all went to the emergency care unit, where my brother had to be interned, me and my sister was in the car just waiting, then i suddenly started to feel sick, suddenly i started to vomiting just as my brother was some time early, i was quite calm with it, a bit "desperate" cause i was a kid, and vomiting is terrible. My father grabbed me and entered the ECU to get me medicated as well, while waiting to be attended, i remember that i washed the entire place vomiting, i had no control at all, no one took me to the bathroom or something. Something about 30 minutes later that i started vomiting, my sister also started to get sick too, i don't really know if it was because she was witnessing it, or really was sick just like me and my brother, i won't get this part too extense, we just threw up the entire place, almost 1 hour later we got interned with our brother and spent the night there, by the morning we were discharged and went back to our house. From that day on, everything changed for me, i had developed Emetophobia, which had me slowly fading away from my friends and social life, i was still a kid, used to play everyday with my friends till the sun goes out, but whenever someone near me (or no) had just a little cough, i would freeze completely and get away from that person, because inside my mind I thought that the person was about to throw up, even with just a cough or a sneeze. As i said, this slowly consumed me, when i was 10 i couldn't even stay in school anymore, i managed to complete the elementary school with a lot of effort, and then stopped going to the school. By 2010 my trauma had already consumed me, i stopped going to the streets to do anything with my friends (i was a very athletic and healthy kid), did not trust any food outside my house, if i felt a stomach pain, would immediately start to freak out, my feeding was terrible, all i knew was playing Tibia and drinking almost 2L of Coca-Cola a day, which caused me a gastritis, by the end of 2010 we moved from the condominium and started living in a house, which had cut entirely my social life, everything started to get worse in that place, my parents at the moment worked at a bakery, we had a mild stabilization, and now i'll talk about the cats.

By 2009~ my sister asked for a kitty in her birthday, a friend of us whose cat just gave birth, gave us 2 kittens and we loved them, in the course of time while going to school, we noticed 3 stray kittens which mother had died hit by a car, we spent almost 3 days trying to rescue them and we finally succeeded. We fed them and they started to grew, by the moment we had 6 cats in a small apartment (we rescued another one earlier), some weeks later we moved to the house i mentioned up there. There we had more space for the cats and we got a dog (Leona, a Brazilian Fila mixed with labrador), some months passed and the female cat we rescued started to get in heat, didn't take too long till her brother impregnate her, by that time we was ok with it, we just thought in sending the kittens to adoption when born, which didn't happened, the cats started to breed very fast, we didn't had money to neuter them and at the time the Zoonoses (public agency that neutralize animals) was under reform (took 2 years). During that time we didn't gave away any cats, and they were already a high number, things started to go wrong, my mom worked a full day shift and my father had lost his job, everyday it was up to me and my dad to clean up the mess the cats made (we had +/- 30 cats by the time, around 2012~). We had to spent a lot of money to feed them and had high water bill because we had to wash the backyard every single day, my dad got a job again and then everything was on my back (my brother and sister never helped me), my parents marriage started to ruin, they argued violently every day and i always desperately got in middle of them, i hated to hear they having discussions/screaming at each other, my routine was all about playing and sleeping the entire day/night, i had heavy insomnia since 7 years old, so i could easily play the entire night without any reason. I quickly started to get depressed and felt lonely, i never demonstrated anything that i felt inside, none of my childhood friends or family knew what i was going through, by the end of 2013~ ( i cant remember exactly the year) i tried to suicide, i discovered that my father still had the gun from the times of cop, when there was no one home, i grabbed the gun, cocked it and tried to shot myself in the chest, nothing happened, the gun had no bullets. I continued the day as if nothing had happened, some time later the number of cats was still growing up hitting almost 90 cats in a small house, just try to think in the mess they could make in a day, yup, i had to clean it every single day, sometimes when i didn't (cause i was too depressed to do anything), my mother would come from the work tired and clean it, while cursing me and my brothesister for doing nothing the entire day, calling us useless tramps, because we were in home doing nothing, these things always ended up somehow generating an argument between us or my parents, which used to make me sadder everyday, one day i was going to the market and found an intact bullet in the ground, grabbed it and took to my home, when i had the chance, i grabbed the gun and inserted the bullet, that fits perfectly, by that time i was sure it would be in that night, i was finally about to kill myself, ending all of that suffering and pain inside me that started in that night when my and brothers got sick, by that time my phobia was at the apex, any slip around me would put me in a panic attack, which would ruin my entire day, if not the week. I certified myself that the gun was loaded (drum revolver), slowly cocked it and put agains't my head, after some hesitation, i've pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. The emotions had me quite dizzy, i tried again, and again, nothing happened, that was the forth time trying to shot myself, now with a bullet loaded and nothing happened. i started to cry quietly, because i wasn't home alone, took the bullet out and put the gun back where it was, i couldn't believe in what was going on, i just wanted to end the pain, to be free, and somehow i was tied to all the suffering, i remember that i just accepted it, had almost 16 hours of sleep and took my life "normally". I started to work as roadie with my cousin, who is aaudio technician, i had to do something to "distract" my mind apart of playing, at first it was really difficult for me because i was working in concerts, parties, what these things have in common? Beer, drugs, drunk people throwing up. It took over my mind in every job i was, was always alert, never stayed too long near the people who were drinking, but it was the beginning of a fight against my phobia, i slowly started to control my panic attacks and nervousness with deep breaths techniques, by the middle of 2015, we moved to a bigger house, the cats had more space, we had more space, a house with a barbecue grill, a beautiful garden (did i mentioned more space for everyone/thing?). I started to socialize with my childhood friends again, was feeling a bit better, and then again everything started to go wrong, my mom and dad always calling me useless, even more mess to clean (more space for the cats to shit out, more time washing everything, i really cant describe what i had to go through everyday, almost 4~5kgs of SHIT, every single day). some cats ran away, others died from random diseases, at that point all of them was neutralized, but my mom always find a way do don't give them away, always with a excuse, she had became an accumulator, the beautiful house we lived in started to stand aside, the grass was all dirty with shit, nobody cut the grass anymore, the plants died, i was feeling depressed again, some days in the week we had nothing to eat, we started to receive donations for the cats, so te expenses with them lowered, but my father was again unemployed, my mother couldn't keep it all alone, my brother never had a job, always depressed too, my sister was in high school. The year is 2017, by that time i almost had no phobia anymore, i was practically free to go to parties or drink, i subscribed by march to do a reclassification test to finish high school in november 19 (my birthday) i hadn't studied anymore since 2010, but i had to pass on the test to get a steady job, and in that year i had made some good friends and we wanted to go to the beach in new year's eve, i tried to hold my money from jobs as roadie, but always had to spent it to help in my house, my mom said she would gave me money by the christmas, we rented a house 2 blocks from the beach, rented a car and went to the beach at 27/12/17. Detail: i was 20 years old and never went to the beach, friends around me would go ever year, i always dreamed of being there. We stayed there from 27/12 to 02/01, it was perfect, i enjoyed a lot, spent all the money with food, alcohol and everything else (by that time i was smoking weed, although not having a phobia anymore, i still was depressed and anxious, weed helped me a lot calming me down and puting me to sleep). When we came back i was shocked, found out that while i was spending money for nothing, my family passed the new year's eve with a plate of rice, nothing else. they passed almost 3 day without nothing but rice and some fruits, while i spent R$ 350 on the beach (1/3 of a minimum wage) with alcohol and other shits. This had striked me hard, i felt extremely selfish although it was my dream to have the experience of being in a beach, and my mom wanted me to be there, performing a dream, supported me with every cent we had. From the day 2 to 5, i didn't do nothing but crying and sleeping, i was feeling extremely disgusted, the only thought in my head was: you were enjoying it, spending it on shit while your family had nothing to eat, a friend helped us with a basic-needs grocery package after i talked to him, and that made me feel slightly better. By 09pm on day 05/01, a friend was asking our group out, he would met a friend in front of a bar, drink some beer and talk some shits. I was refusing since the start, and since i didn't want to go out, 2 others friends refused to go either, after some insistence i decided to go, i grabbed my skate and went on (4 or 5 blocks from my house), and my friend went to grab our other friend and we would all meet in there. After getting there i wasn't in the mood at all, i found my friend and met his friends (which i had been wanting to meet for a while), they were a couple and they cousins, a girl and her brother. I greeted everyone and sat in my corner, listening to music on the phone, hardly paying attention to the conversation, after a while i joined the the chat and randomly started to talk the girl (couple's cousin) it was around 11pm when we started to talk in random topics, i won't go into too much here, but we talked until 04am, we talked about books, movies, lifestyle, everything, she bloomed me like a flower, in that night i knew almost everything about her, and her about me. I was delighted, who was this girl, and how she managed to get all these things from me, things which by that time only 3 of my closest friends knew?, my parents still had no idea of how i felt psychologically. That day a romance had started, we first kiss 2 weeks later, she was making me feel real better, making me want to feel better, by February i received my notes for the test i made by November 2017, i passed with above average grades (ppl around me and teachers always considered me very smart), things was starting to go out well in my life, i met someone who i can deeply trust and finished my studies, could finally go after a job, but nothing is perfect and by April she didn't want to stay with me anymore, she didn't said why, but couldn't stay away from me, neither me stay away from her, we had some argues, many up and downs, cut relations many times (resumed). I developed a big cigar addiction, and by Septembe2018 i finally got a job, i would work as pharmacy attendant in 3rd shift, from 10:40pm to 07:00am, we moved to another house again, this one smaller and pretty far from the neighbor we always lived, 5,2kms from my job precisely. I started working on 05 October and walked 10km every day from my house to job and job to house, i had a good payment (almost 2 minimum wages, R$ 1900 + R$ 100 in food voucher) and this relived a lot the situation with bills/food in my house, i still had nothing, but at least we could pay our bills at date and have food to eat. November arrived, me and "that" girl started to talk again (I'll call her O), Months back then, by March, we had a backstory where she tagged me in a Facebook post while i was looking at her, the post was about a giant teddy bear, the person tagged in there would have to give one as present to the one who tagged, we both laughed and i promised i would give it to her, when i had enough conditions. Going back to November, her birthday was coming, i found a giant teddy and bought it, i talked to her parents about making a surprise and they helped me, some weeks before i met her parents to ask their permission to to date her, i loved her! They allowed me and wished me good luck, she didn't know any of this, i just had a feeling and followed it. Everything done, i took her to eat ice cream and we went to her house, i put the bear sitting on the bed, closed her eyes and opened when she was in front of it, she almost freaked out, hugged me hard and was very thankful. Moments later i asked her to be my girlfriend, which resulted exactly in what i was expecting... No, she wouldn't (i didn't use the bear as an excuse for that, it was her birthday present), then we started to talking about everything we went through, and i just wanted to know why she didn't want me anymore back then, and it was when i finally discovered the truth: she couldn't handle her feelings because i was too much depressed, although i was feeling better, i still was very depressed, she was getting sad, and to protect herself, she took this decision, even being hard to do that, she managed to. The conversation went for almost 3 hours, we said everything we wanted to, with tears in our eyes, i said goodbye to her saying i would get better, for me and for her, telling her we would marry one day... i couldn't stay alongside her just as a friend, i loved her too much to do this. I went home sad, but happy at the same time, i had a snap in my head which made me wake up, i wanted to be a better person, i wanted to feel better... i woke up in the next day as a new person, a person decided to change, to care and get better for me and everyone near me. By January/2019 i attented a aunt of mine which was away from the family, didn't see he in 15 years, she was very happy and surprised to see me (everything conspirated to our reunite that day), we talked about how time has passed and how everything went, i told her i was thinking in quit my job at the pharmacy and i had applied for a photography university, surprisingly she told me that she has a photography studio and would want to talk to me later, we scheduled to meet on February 10th, she was needing someone to work with her and would hire me, by 15/02 i quited my job and started to work with her, she paid me photography courses and classes, took me to workshops and travels with her and her husband (they're pretty rich). I would receive an minimum wage for helping her with things on the studio, even if we didn't do anything the entire month, by April i started in the astrophotography (my passion since i was a kid) and in August a photo i took was nominated to a contest in my city, we were all happy, and by that time me and O started to talk again, she noticed how better i was, mentally healthier than the last time we met, and she was very happy for me and everything that i managed to accomply since then. We slowly started to talk to each other again, November was on sight again and we spent my birthday together, then her's on a sushi restaurant and exactly 1 year and 5 days later she refused me, SHE asked me to be her boyfriend (again i'm resuming, a lot of things happened, the text is already huge without details). I accepted, everything i planned was happening, in a matter of 1 year, my life has turned around perfectly, a lot of things happened since then, the pandemy has come, we are closer than ever, i spent most of the year studying photography and astrophotography, had some serious improvement in my skills, my aunt's photography studio has stopped completely, she didn't pay me anymore since september, my mom cooks only in weekends (low salary), my father is doing some jobs as truck driver for a guy that only abuses him, with also low salary, no one comes after me for photoshoots, i'm trying to sell my framed pictures and working on some astrophotography projects, i dont know what i'm doing wrong because no one comes after me (even though my photos are highly praised), lost my cellphone last month, so i can't post anything to social medias (IG) completely broke, all i have is my photography equipment, besides that i dont have any goods, i still don't have a license for driving, we have no car or a motorcycle, still doing everything by foot.. While all my friends who grew with me have everything, proper house, car, motorcyle, a stable life. The last time i had something to eat was 14 hours ago, our fridge is literally empty. I don't know why exactly i wrote all this, life's weird..
I apologize for grammatical errors and for changing the tone of the text so suddenly from 2020 to now, i'm really feeling quite lost, everyone says i'm a big professional, that my works are fine masterpiece, but on the otherside, absolutely zero income. Also i'm feeling a bit confused because i'm hungry, so i might have lost the context, just waiting for the bakeries to open so i can go buy something.
If u read this far, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm not feeling depressed in any way, a bit sad for the actual situation, and i think i just needed to let it all come out.
submitted by leleopin to offmychest [link] [comments]


2020.11.25 10:46 lostinthesauceband 100 ATF agents are coming to get you. You have your house and your choice of 4 guns. You have 3 partners. What 4 guns would your group use to survive?

This is so easy. I won’t just “survive,” I will THRIVE. I’m gonna win this thing. Somehow, I know that 100 ATF agents are on their way. No time to properly prepare. I just tell my team to remain calm and follow my lead.
The TEAM — my 3 partners are all Playboy Playmates. They are dressed for a backyard bbq, but sexy (use your imagination). They would be seated on the sofa in my living room. It’s a big sofa. When the ATF breaks down my door or crashes through the front windows, the first thing they will see is my partners in crime. We’d probably be watching soccer on TV while we wait if it’s Saturday and Premiere League is on.
I would sit in my laz-y-boy. I’m a married man. My wife wouldn’t be too happy about my crime partners. No sense pushing the envelope by snuggling on the couch.
The GUNS — we don’t just have 4 guns. We’ve got a cannon (t-shirt) and 3 Super Soakers. I’m talking SUPER soakers here, not just water pistols. This is serious. Now, I don’t want any misunderstandings. So, I’ve warned my partners to leave their guns on the coffee table in front of the sofa. They won’t touch the guns until it’s safe. They will remain seated on the sofa with their hands in plain sight. My t-shirt canon will be on the dining room table along with the ammo and air compressor.
When the ATF break in (or hopefully knock and I’ll let them in), I’ll be polite and friendly. Let them search my house. Proudly display our 4 guns for inspection. Then, I’ll spring the trap. “You guys wanna hangout and party?” (hell yeah, they will) We’ll go out back and fire up the grill. The ATF guys will have fun with the playmates. I’ll man the grill on my deck and probably chit-chat with the older agents who have “seen too much.”
I almost forgot my dog. He’ll be there. Maple is super sweet and loves people. The ATF guys probably have a dog or two as well. If they are all friendly, the dogs can play in the yard. I’ve even got a fenced area for the dogs to take care of business and you don’t have to worry that they will wander off. If the dogs don’t get along, we can separate them. No biggie.
Everyone can play tether ball and soccer. I’ve also got frisbees and nerf footballs and stuff like that. We might even play bocce. 100 agents plus 3 playmates and myself is a lot of people. We’ll probably have to organize teams and stuff, but I’ve got some coaching experience and I can organize things or maybe the playmates can handle it.
Someone will have to run to the store for beer and ice. We can shoot each other with the super soakers and I’ve got 2 outdoor spigots. So, no problem doing fill ups without tracking mud into my house. We’ve had some epic games of capture the flag at my house during soccer team parties. You know the ATF guys will love that.
Then comes the BIG surprise. Yes, I actually made up some special occasion, commemorative t-shirts. I knew they were coming and I have a friend who does the printing. Boom. I pull out my t-shirt canon and start blasting away. Since I’m also grilling, I’d probably ask one of the older veteran agents if he wants to either man the grill or fire the cannon. Either way is cool with me. When the sun sets, we can have a campfire and roast marshmallows.
submitted by lostinthesauceband to copypasta [link] [comments]


2020.11.24 19:04 jicamasalsa I am 30 years old make $33.50/hour as a Pediatric ER RN living in Chicago.

Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance:
Total: $91,377
How I got there: I’ve been working since I was 14 and have always been a “big saver.” I worked full-time during the summer from 15-22 and part-time during the school year. When I was younger, I saved ~50% of every paycheck.
Roth IRA: $65,361 (changes day to day but that’s what it is today)
403(b): $12,273 - this is my employer sponsored plan. I contribute 10% per paycheck and my employer is supposed to match 3% but their contributions have been paused since July 🤪🙄 They plan to restart in the new year but… we’ll see.
Rollover IRA: $13,743
Savings account balance:
Total: $214,552
HSA: $6,200
Money market account: $4,500 - I keep 4-6 months of emergency money in here and invest the rest.
Brokerage: $203,352 as of this morning. In the last year, I’ve received $100K in inheritances ($50K from my grandpa’s death and a combined $50K from the death of my great-grandmother, great-aunt, and the sale of their home. The sale of their home was split between me, my 2 sisters, and our mom [not equally, our mom was left with 70% and my sisters and I each left w/ 10%] - the home sold for just over $400k). So, approximately half is from my own contributions and gains.
M and I are buying a condo or a home this summer and I’ll be using some of this money for the down payment.
Checking account balance: $500
Debts:
Credit card debt: $0
Student loan debt (for what degree): $0. My parents paid for my first college degree. I took out around $20,000 in federal subsidized loans for my nursing degree and paid them off a few weeks ago.
Car Loan: $325/month. This will be paid off this month. It started at just over $12,000 5 years ago. I could’ve paid it off sooner but my interest rate is just under 1.0% so I did other things with my money.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression:
I worked as a lifeguard from 14-19 and lifeguard manager from 19-22 both at home over the summeschool breaks and in college. I started off making minimum wage and received a raise every year ($0.50/year lol) until I became a manager and then I crossed the $15 threshold. When I graduated college 23-26, I went full-time in my aquatics job making $21/hour and had good benefits because it was a government job. At 26, my BF & I moved to the city so I left my job to go to nursing school and work part-time at a hospital where I made $17/hour. I graduated with my BSN at 28. My first year as a RN I made $28.50/hour and I’m up to $33.50/hour now.
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $3,578 - this is my net pay for the month of November. I’m scheduled at 36 hours/week but my pay varies with shift differential pay on weekends and overtime. I worked one day of OT this month (you'll see it this week) and stayed ~30-45 minutes late a few days throughout the month.
I’m on track to gross $72K this year due to OT and COVID pay (my hospital did 3 months of COVID pay).
Health insurance: $252/month for medical, vision, and dental
403(b): $476/month (more if I work more hours)
HSA: $0 as I’ve hit the max for this year. My employer contributes $250/year.
Disability and life insurance: I don't pay any extra, I just have what my employer offers/covers.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: $610 split with my boyfriend, M.
Renters / home insurance: M pays
Retirement contribution: $0. I maxed my Roth IRA this year. I try to throw the max in as early as possible.
Savings contribution: I aim for $500/month
Investment contribution: See above
Debt payments: $235/month for my car which will be paid off in December.
Credit card: $95/year for the Chase Sapphire Preferred. I was going to upgrade to the Reserve this year because we travel a lot but then COVID-19 hit and well, nobody in their right mind is traveling.
Donations: Donations are new for me. I donated $500 to political campaigns this year ($250 to Joe and $250 to Act Blue) and another $500 to a local COVID relief fund for hospitality workers. I’ve also signed up to buy Christmas gifts for a local family.
Electric: M pays.
Wifi/Cable/Landline: $100/mo (this includes WiFi, Hulu, and HBOMax - we mooch off of Ms parents for Netflix and we have a free year of Disney+) — this includes WiFi, Hulu, and HBOMax. We mooch off of M’s parents for Netflix and have free year of Disney+
Cellphone: $30/mo for my line on my parents plan. I own my phone outright.
Subscriptions: $7.50/mo for premium Spotify shared with M, $50/year for Prime split with M.
Gym membership: $65/mo the gym, $100/mo for a solidcore membership (4 classes/month), and $14.99/mo for my peloton app subscription (I have an off brand bike).
Pet expenses: We just got a dog so our pet expenses haven’t stabilized yet and I don’t have a good idea what she costs us. I’ve spent ~$200 on her this month and M about the same (between toys, food, 2 vet visits + boosters).
Car payment / insurance: $450/6 months (this was paid a week ago and I’m set until May).
Day 1:
5:00AM: Wake up and head to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee. While the coffee is brewing, I take my dog out for a quick potty break so she doesn’t wake up M too early. We go back inside and dog goes back to sleep while I get ready for work: pour coffee in my travel mug, throw my lunch together (leftovers), drink the green smoothie I made last night, watch The Office, and brush teeth/do skin routine (cleanse, vitamin c, moisturizer + spf). I’m out the door by 6:15.
7:00AM: Clock-in and check my assignment. I get report from the night nurses and round on my patients. I check for any labs that need to be drawn or meds that need to be given and then sit down to chart until I’m needed/the doctors come around.
10:15AM: I grab a latte from the coffee cart. This doesn’t cost me anything because I earned a free drink with a punch card.
1:30PM: I had a trauma come in and now that he’s stabilized, I can grab some lunch. I’ve got salad with grilled chicken thighs, feta, roasted red pepper, cucumbers, and quinoa for my main dish and Greek yogurt, an apple, and popcorn for sides/snacks the rest of the day.
4:30PM: Pop my popcorn, gossip with one of my BFFs/coworkers and scroll through Reddit before checking on my patients. I’m admitting one to be observed overnight and am just waiting for the room to be ready!
7:30PM: Give report to the night nurses and head home.
8:00PM: I take a quick shower while M finishes dinner (burrito bowls) and we eat together before I pack up leftovers for lunch tomorrow. We take our dog for a short walk and when I get back, I get ready for bed (brush teeth, retinol, moisturize) and I get into bed around 9:15.
Daily Total: $0
Day 2:
5:00AM: Up and at ‘em again. I repeat the same process as yesterday before heading to work.
7:00AM: Check my assignments, round on my patients and draw labs/give meds as needed.
9:15AM: I’ve got a COVID+ kid who is going to be admitted. We don’t have a ton of COVID+ kids in the hospital — most (not all) of them are immunocompromised or have an underlying condition but it is awful nonetheless.
1:30PM: Take my lunch break - I’ve got leftovers from last night (the burrito bowl) and I get myself a diet coke from the vending machine. $0.75 M took the dog to the vet today for a round of boosters so I QuickPay him half the cost $54
7:00PM: Give report to the night nurses and head home. M made BLTs and salads for dinner tonight so I shower up, eat, and get into bed while he takes the dog for her last walk. M works tomorrow so it is my night to wake up with the puppy if (when) she needs to go out.
11:30PM: Puppy needs to be let out.
Daily Total: $54.75
Day 3:
4:30AM: Puppy needs to be let out. We are getting so close to making it through the whole night! I put her back in the kitchen (it’s gated off) and get back into bed for another hour and a half.
6:00AM: Wake up, feed the puppy and get myself a cup of coffee. M is about to leave for work so I get the puppy ready for her walk and I open our parking lot gate for him to get out on our way out. When we get home, we work on some basic commands (sit, lay down, up, down) and that combination really tires her out!
8:00AM: Puppy is snoozing in the kitchen and I’ve got an 8:10 solid core class. I love love love solidcore - it’s low impact but I get such a great workout from it and it has really helped improve my lower back pain! I thought I had some core strength but this class has made me so much stronger.
9:15AM: I walk home from class and make a protein shake (MusclePharm peanut butter cup whey powder + almond milk - I’m not dairy free but too much whey hurts my stomach) and take a shower before taking the dog out for a potty break. I also start a load of laundry and make a small list of groceries we need.
11:30AM: The dog is off in slumberland again so I gate her up in the kitchen before heading to Trader Joe’s. We don’t need a lot of things, just some fresh produce (avocados, greens, fruit), deli meat, and cheese. There’s no line to get in today so I’m in and out in 10 minutes. $48.61
12:15PM: I make myself a ~harvest bowl~ for lunch: roasted sweet potatoes, greens, brown rice, roasted brussels sprouts, goat cheese, chicken breast, toasted walnuts, and a sweet balsamic vinaigrette.
1:00PM: After I eat, I take the puppy out for a walk around the block to get some energy out! When we get home, we work on commands some more and have some playtime before she knocks out for another nap. I also take a nap around this time, haha!
2:45PM: I wake up and the dog is still asleep so I fold the laundry and empty the dishwasher. Once she wakes up, I take her out for a potty break and a sniff walk.
3:30PM: I do some online shopping while watching last nights Housewives (Salt Lake). My birthday is in a few days and I want to do something nice for myself. I’m on the hunt for some pretty, dainty jewelry that doesn’t cost a zillion dollars but am not having any luck. I order a sweater, some earrings, and a pair of jeans from Madewell since I am down a size. WOO! I use my birthday coupon so that, combined with the 30% off deal they’re running, my total comes to $172.83
I do some apartment cleaning between now and when I get dinner started. Wipe down the counters, vacuum the floors, and swiffer, mostly. M cleaned the bathroom and washed the sheets yesterday so I don’t have a ton to do.
5:15PM: I feed the puppy and get our dinner started. I’m making parmesan breaded chicken, parmesan garlic brussels sprouts, brown rice, and a side salad. I put everything in the fridge until M gets home.
6:30PM: I take puppy out for another walk around the block. 5-7 is prime dog-walking hours in my neighborhood so we get stopped a lot for playtime and pets.
8:00PM: M gets home so he showers, we eat, and we take puppy for another walk together before heading to bed. M is working again tomorrow so I’m on overnight puppy duty!
Daily Total: $221.44
Day 4:
12:00AM: Puppy needs to be let out.
5:00-6:30AM: Puppy needs to be let out. I end up getting up at this time since I’m not tired enough to go back to sleep. We see M off to work and I take puppy for her morning walk.
7:00AM: Puppy is snoozing so I head out for a 3 mile run. When I get back, I make myself a smoothie (spinach, frozen fruit, banana, greek yogurt, coconut water, and vanilla whey) and skip the shower because I plan on going to the gym during the dogs next nap.
8:30AM: I take the puppy out for a bathroom break and some sniffing around. There’s another golden retriever puppy on our block and they have some playtime on the sidewalk. When we head back in, we work on commands and have our own playtime before she’s down for another nap.
9:15AM: I head to the gym for some strength training. I took a long time off from the gym and am finally getting my pre-break strength back. I’m keeping my fingers crossed the gyms don’t close down due to COVID again but I’m not optimistic.
10:30AM: I walk home and take a shower before the dog wakes up. I take her outside for a bathroom break and we play when we get back inside. I spend some time scrolling Redfin and Zillow and send M a few condos and houses I like. We’re planning to buy in the summer but we’re not entirely certain if we’ll stay in the city and do a condo or move to a nearby suburb and get a house. My personal preference is a house BUT I’d really be happy with either whereas M would really prefer to stay in the city. Getting the dog might’ve thrown a wrench into things for him, though.
12:15PM: I pack up the pup and we head out to my grandmas house (she lives 25 minutes away). I have a great relationship with my grandma (and my grandpa before he died) and try to pop in on her at least once a week now that she lives alone. I take her to many of her appointments and provide any in-home care she may need. She loves(!) my dog and loved sitting out on the patio watching the dog play with the ball. I picked up Portillo’s for lunch from grandma paid.
3:30PM: The pup and I head home. She is exhausted after running around my grandmas backyard so she sleeps the whole way home and for another hour and a half when we get home. I also take a nap/scroll through Reddit/TikTok/Instagram at this time!
5:00PM: I take the dog out for a bathroom break before getting started on dinner. We’re making steak burrito bowls and M made a yummy-smelling marinade that the steak has been sitting in for a while.
6:00PM: The humans and the dog eat. After we finish eating and cleaning up, we take the dog for a walk around the block. When we get back, we watch a few episodes of Somebody Feeds Phil and I call it an early night around 8. I can sense a migraine coming in so I pop in my abortive and head to sleep to hopefully crush this thing.
Daily Total: $0
Day 5:
I actually forgot to write today. It was a work day and I bought $32.54 worth of gas to fill up my tank.
Daily Total: $32.54
Day 6:
5:00AM: M and I get up. We’re both working today so I get the coffee brewing while he takes the dog out for a potty. We feed the dog and M showers while I take the dog for a walk around the block before dropping her off at my sisters house.
7:00AM: Arrive at work and receive report from the night nurses. I round on my patients and pass meds. I find out I’m doing COVID triage in the afternoon.
12:30PM: I take my lunch break. My birthday is tomorrow so my coworkers treated me to Panera bread and got me a cake! I eat lunch and do some online shopping at Sephora. I’m suffering from some pretty bad maskne and need to step up my game so I order a salicylic acid treatment, and re-up my The Ordinary facial cleanser and amika dry shampoo. $40.63
1:15PM: I’m doing COVID triage for the rest of my shift. This includes temperature and symptom checking for any patient that walks in through the ER doors and keeping potential COVID+ patients away from non-COVID patients. Our visitor policy is limited to 1 visitor per patient (2 for children) so I’m there to enforce that as well (along with security). We’re a busy ER so I’m not alone, luckily(!), so the next few hours go by quickly enough and it’s time for me to head home.
7:30PM: I pick up Chipotle for me & M for dinner. We each get a burrito bowl (steak for me, chicken for him), and we split chips and guac (I have a free guac side in my app). $20.03 I head over to my sisters to get my dog. My sister has a dog as well and said they both just played and napped all day! My dog is exhausted and sleeps the 10 minute ride home and pretty much the rest of the night.
9:00PM: We get ready for bed and watch the second episode of The Queens Gambit. Big fans so far!
Daily Total: $60.66
Day 7:
12:30AM: Puppy needs to be let out.
6:00AM: It’s my birthday! I get woken up by M getting ready for work and he gets me a cup of coffee in bed. The pup and I see him off and we head out for a walk around the block before breakfast.
8:10AM: I treat myself to an extra solidcore class this month to get my sweat on and ring in a new decade. I get a do-rite donut (blueberry crumb!!) afterwards and head home. $25 for the class and $3.07 for the donut
9:30AM: I wake up puppy and take her out for a walk around the block and some playtime with another puppy. When we get home, she falls asleep and so do I.
10:30AM: Pup is still snoozing so I tidy up the apartment a bit. I order the BISSELL Pet Hair Eraser off of Amazon because lugging out my giant heavy duty vacuum drives me nuts and I want something for smaller jobs. $77.16
11:00AM: I wake the dog up and take her outside for a bathroom break. When we come back inside, we work on some commands and play fetch for a bit. My mom and grandma call me to wish me a happy birthday.
12:30PM: My dad and stepmom call to ask what I want for lunch from a local restaurant so they can have it delivered. Turning 30 during a pandemic sucks since I really shouldn’t be seeing family or friends but these small gestures make it a little bit better! I get a kale and brussels sprout salad with grilled chicken and french fries. I also pick up my free birthday drink from Starbucks.
4:00PM: Um… puppy and I have been napping for 3 hours! I can’t remember the last time I napped that long. I take the dog out for an afternoon walk and playtime with my cousins puppy. My cousin lives a few blocks away and also just got a dog so we try to coordinate playtime once or twice a week. My cousin gifts me a bottle of tequila (she knows the way to my heart lol) before we both head our separate ways.
6:30PM: I finish up some laundry and wipe down the counters before M gets home. I scroll through TikTok for what feels like 10 minutes but is really a half hour before feeding the dog and taking her out once more.
8:00PM: M gets home with pizza, cake, and gifts! He got me AirPod Pros and a sweater. We’re going to attempt to go out to dinner on our next day off (2 days from my birthday, one day from posting!) weather-permitting. We watch the next episode of The Queens Gambit and get ready for bed.
10:30PM: Last potty break for the dog. We’re attempting a later last break for the dog in an attempt to get her sleeping through the night. I hope this helps a little!
Daily Total: $105.23
Weekly Total: $474.62
Food + Drink: $72.46
Fun / Entertainment: $0
Home + Health: $102.16
Clothes + Beauty: $213.46
Transport: $32.54
Other: $54 (dog)
This is mostly a normal week for me although my grocery budget is usually a bit higher (I typically spend $65-80/week on groceries for me and M). And, of course, I don't usually buy clothes or beauty products on a weekly basis (especially since I don't *wear* normal clothes lately lol).
submitted by jicamasalsa to MoneyDiariesACTIVE [link] [comments]


2020.11.23 13:00 Henwith_Tie Here is the Part of Bee Movie Script I ctrl+c ctrl+v-ed from Internet

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.” SEQ. 75 - “INTRO TO BARRY” INT. BENSON HOUSE - DAY ANGLE ON: Sneakers on the ground. Camera PANS UP to reveal BARRY BENSON’S BEDROOM ANGLE ON: Barry’s hand flipping through different sweaters in his closet. BARRY Yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black...oohh, black and yellow... ANGLE ON: Barry wearing the sweater he picked, looking in the mirror. BARRY (CONT’D) Yeah, let’s shake it up a little. He picks the black and yellow one. He then goes to the sink, takes the top off a CONTAINER OF HONEY, and puts some honey into his hair. He squirts some in his mouth and gargles. Then he takes the lid off the bottle, and rolls some on like deodorant. CUT TO: INT. BENSON HOUSE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, yells up at Barry. JANET BENSON Barry, breakfast is ready! CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 1. INT. BARRY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS BARRY Coming! SFX: Phone RINGING. Barry’s antennae vibrate as they RING like a phone. Barry’s hands are wet. He looks around for a towel. BARRY (CONT’D) Hang on a second! He wipes his hands on his sweater, and pulls his antennae down to his ear and mouth. BARRY (CONT'D) Hello? His best friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, is on the other end. ADAM Barry? BARRY Adam? ADAM Can you believe this is happening? BARRY Can’t believe it. I’ll pick you up. Barry sticks his stinger in a sharpener. SFX: BUZZING AS HIS STINGER IS SHARPENED. He tests the sharpness with his finger. SFX: Bing. BARRY (CONT’D) Looking sharp. ANGLE ON: Barry hovering down the hall, sliding down the staircase bannister. Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, is in the kitchen. JANET BENSON Barry, why don’t you use the stairs? Your father paid good money for those. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 2. BARRY Sorry, I’m excited. Barry’s father, MARTIN BENSON, ENTERS. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE, “Queen gives birth to thousandtuplets: Resting Comfortably.” MARTIN BENSON Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, Son. And a perfect report card, all B’s. JANET BENSON (mushing Barry’s hair) Very proud. BARRY Ma! I’ve got a thing going here. Barry re-adjusts his hair, starts to leave. JANET BENSON You’ve got some lint on your fuzz. She picks it off. BARRY Ow, that’s me! MARTIN BENSON Wave to us. We’ll be in row 118,000. Barry zips off. BARRY Bye! JANET BENSON Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! CUT TO: SEQ. 750 - DRIVING TO GRADUATION EXT. BEE SUBURB - MORNING A GARAGE DOOR OPENS. Barry drives out in his CAR. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 3. ANGLE ON: Barry’s friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, standing by the curb. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE: “Frisbee Hits Hive: Internet Down. Bee-stander: “I heard a sound, and next thing I knew...wham-o!.” Barry drives up, stops in front of Adam. Adam jumps in. BARRY Hey, Adam. ADAM Hey, Barry. (pointing at Barry’s hair) Is that fuzz gel? BARRY A little. It’s a special day. Finally graduating. ADAM I never thought I’d make it. BARRY Yeah, three days of grade school, three days of high school. ADAM Those were so awkward. BARRY Three days of college. I’m glad I took off one day in the middle and just hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM You did come back different. They drive by a bee who’s jogging. ARTIE Hi Barry! BARRY (to a bee pedestrian) Hey Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. Barry and Adam drive from the suburbs into the city. ADAM Hey, did you hear about Frankie? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 4. BARRY Yeah. ADAM You going to his funeral? BARRY No, I’m not going to his funeral. Everybody knows you sting someone you die, you don’t waste it on a squirrel. He was such a hot head. ADAM Yeah, I guess he could’ve just gotten out of the way. The DRIVE through a loop de loop. BARRY AND ADAM Whoa...Whooo...wheee!! ADAM I love this incorporating the amusement park right into our regular day. BARRY I guess that’s why they say we don’t need vacations. CUT TO: SEQ. 95 - GRADUATION EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - CONTINUOUS Barry and Adam come to a stop. They exit the car, and fly over the crowd to their seats. * BARRY * (re: graduation ceremony) * Boy, quite a bit of pomp...under * the circumstances. * They land in their seats. BARRY (CONT’D) Well Adam, today we are men. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 5. ADAM We are. BARRY Bee-men. ADAM Amen! BARRY Hallelujah. Barry hits Adam’s forehead. Adam goes into the rapture. An announcement comes over the PA. ANNOUNCER (V.O) Students, faculty, distinguished bees...please welcome, Dean Buzzwell. ANGLE ON: DEAN BUZZWELL steps up to the podium. The podium has a sign that reads: “Welcome Graduating Class of:”, with train-station style flipping numbers after it. BUZZWELL Welcome New Hive City graduating class of... The numbers on the podium change to 9:15. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) ...9:15. (he clears his throat) And that concludes our graduation ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries. BARRY Are we going to pick our job today? ADAM I heard it’s just orientation. The rows of chairs change in transformer-like mechanical motion to Universal Studios type tour trams. Buzzwell walks off stage. BARRY (re: trams) Whoa, heads up! Here we go. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 6. SEQ. 125 - “FACTORY” FEMALE VOICE (V.O) Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. (in Spanish) Dejen las manos y antennas adentro del tram a todos tiempos. BARRY I wonder what it’s going to be like? ADAM A little scary. Barry shakes Adam. BARRY AND ADAM AAHHHH! The tram passes under SIGNS READING: “Honex: A Division of Honesco: A Part of the Hexagon Group.” TRUDY Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco, and a part of the Hexagon group. BARRY This is it! The Honex doors OPEN, revealing the factory. BARRY (CONT’D) Wow. TRUDY We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant pollen jocks bring the nectar to the hive where our top secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent adjusted and bubble contoured into this... Trudy GRABS a TEST TUBE OF HONEY from a technician. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 7. TRUDY (CONT’D) ...soothing, sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow, you all know as... EVERYONE ON THE TRAM (in unison) H-o-n-e-y. Trudy flips the flask into the crowd, and laughs as they all scramble for it. ANGLE ON: A GIRL BEE catching the honey. ADAM (sotto) That girl was hot. BARRY (sotto) She’s my cousin. ADAM She is? BARRY Yes, we’re all cousins. ADAM Right. You’re right. TRUDY At Honex, we also constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress testing a new helmet technology. ANGLE ON: A STUNT BEE in a HELMET getting hit with a NEWSPAPER, then a SHOE, then a FLYSWATTER. He gets up, and gives a “thumb’s up”. The graduate bees APPLAUD. ADAM (re: stunt bee) What do you think he makes? BARRY Not enough. TRUDY And here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 8. BARRY Wow, what does that do? TRUDY Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ANGLE ON: The Krelman machine. Bees with hand-shaped hats on, rotating around a wheel to catch drips of honey. Adam’s hand shoots up. ADAM Can anyone work on the Krelman? TRUDY Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. There are over 3000 different bee occupations. But choose carefully, because you’ll stay in the job that you pick for the rest of your life. The bees CHEER. ANGLE ON: Barry’s smile dropping slightly. BARRY The same job for the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. ADAM What’s the difference? TRUDY And you’ll be happy to know that bees as a species haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. BARRY So you’ll just work us to death? TRUDY (laughing) We’ll sure try. Everyone LAUGHS except Barry. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 9. The tram drops down a log-flume type steep drop. Cameras flash, as all the bees throw up their hands. The frame freezes into a snapshot. Barry looks concerned. The tram continues through 2 doors. FORM DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 175 - “WALKING THE HIVE” INT. HONEX LOBBY ANGLE ON: The log-flume photo, as Barry looks at it. ADAM Wow. That blew my mind. BARRY (annoyed) “What’s the difference?” Adam, how could you say that? One job forever? That’s an insane choice to have to make. ADAM Well, I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY But Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM Barry, why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. They walk by a newspaper stand with A SANDWICH BOARD READING: “Bee Goes Berserk: Stings Seven Then Self.” ANGLE ON: A BEE filling his car’s gas tank from a honey pump. He fills his car some, then takes a swig for himself. NEWSPAPER BEE (to the bee guzzling gas) Hey! Barry and Adam begin to cross the street. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 10. BARRY Yeah but Adam, did you ever think that maybe things work a little too well around here? They stop in the middle of the street. The traffic moves perfectly around them. ADAM Like what? Give me one example. BARRY (thinks) ...I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. They walk off. SEQ. 400 - “MEET THE JOCKS” SFX: The SOUND of Pollen Jocks. PAN DOWN from the Honex statue. J-GATE ANNOUNCER Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY Wait a second. Check it out. Hey, hey, those are Pollen jocks. ADAM Wow. FOUR PATROL BEES FLY in through the hive’s giant Gothic entrance. The Patrol Bees are wearing fighter pilot helmets with black visors. ADAM (CONT’D) I’ve never seen them this close. BARRY They know what it’s like to go outside the hive. ADAM Yeah, but some of them don’t come back. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 11. The nectar from the pollen jocks is removed from their backpacks, and loaded into trucks on their way to Honex. A SMALL CROWD forms around the Patrol Bees. Each one has a PIT CREW that takes their nectar. Lou Loduca hurries a pit crew along: LOU LODUCA You guys did great! You’re monsters. You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it! SCHOOL GIRLS are jumping up and down and squealing nearby. BARRY I wonder where those guys have just been? ADAM I don’t know. BARRY Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who-knows-where, doing who-knows-what. ADAM You can’t just decide one day to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. BARRY Right. Pollen Jocks cross in close proximity to Barry and Adam. Some pollen falls off, onto Barry and Adam. BARRY (CONT’D) Look at that. That’s more pollen than you and I will ever see in a lifetime. ADAM (playing with the pollen) It’s just a status symbol. I think bees make too big a deal out of it. BARRY Perhaps, unless you’re wearing it, and the ladies see you wearing it. ANGLE ON: Two girl bees. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 12. ADAM Those ladies? Aren’t they our cousins too? BARRY Distant, distant. ANGLE ON: TWO POLLEN JOCKS. JACKSON Look at these two. SPLITZ Couple of Hive Harrys. JACKSON Let’s have some fun with them. The pollen jocks approach. Barry and Adam continue to talk to the girls. GIRL 1 It must be so dangerous being a pollen jock. BARRY Oh yeah, one time a bear had me pinned up against a mushroom. He had one paw on my throat, and with the other he was slapping me back and forth across the face. GIRL 1 Oh my. BARRY I never thought I’d knock him out. GIRL 2 (to Adam) And what were you doing during all of this? ADAM Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. The girl swipes some pollen off of Adam with a finger. BARRY (re: pollen) I can autograph that if you want. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 13. JACKSON Little gusty out there today, wasn’t it, comrades? BARRY Yeah. Gusty. BUZZ You know, we’re going to hit a sunflower patch about six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY Six miles, huh? ADAM (whispering) Barry. BUZZ It’s a puddle-jump for us. But maybe you’re not up for it. BARRY Maybe I am. ADAM (whispering louder) You are not! BUZZ We’re going, oh-nine hundred at JGate. ADAM (re: j-gate) Whoa. BUZZ (leaning in, on top of Barry) What do you think, Buzzy Boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY I might be. It all depends on what oh-nine hundred means. CUT TO: SEQ. 450 - “THE BALCONY” "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 14. INT. BENSON HOUSE BALCONY - LATER Barry is standing on the balcony alone, looking out over the city. Martin Benson ENTERS, sneaks up behind Barry and gooses him in his ribs. MARTIN BENSON Honex! BARRY Oh, Dad. You surprised me. MARTIN BENSON (laughing) Have you decided what you’re interested in, Son? BARRY Well, there’s a lot of choices. MARTIN BENSON But you only get one. Martin LAUGHS. BARRY Dad, do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN BENSON Son, let me tell you something about stirring. (making the stirring motion) You grab that stick and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm, it’s a beautiful thing. BARRY You know dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn’t right for me. MARTIN BENSON And you were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That’s a bad job for a guy with a stinger. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 15. BARRY Well no... MARTIN BENSON Janet, your son’s not sure he wants to go into honey. JANET BENSON Oh Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY I’m not trying to be funny. MARTIN BENSON You’re not funny, you’re going into honey. Our son, the stirrer. JANET BENSON You’re going to be a stirrer?! BARRY No one’s listening to me. MARTIN BENSON Wait until you see the sticks I have for you. BARRY I can say anything I want right now. I’m going to get an ant tattoo. JANET BENSON Let’s open some fresh honey and celebrate. BARRY Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax! MARTIN BENSON (toasting) To honey! BARRY Shave my antennae! JANET BENSON To honey! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 16. BARRY Shack up with a grasshopper, get a gold tooth, and start calling everybody “Dawg.” CUT TO: SEQ. 760 - “JOB PLACEMENT” EXT. HONEX LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: A BEE BUS STOP. One group of bees stands on the pavement, as another group hovers above them. A doubledecker bus pulls up. The hovering bees get on the top level, and the standing bees get on the bottom. Barry and Adam pull up outside of Honex. ADAM I can’t believe we’re starting work today. BARRY Today’s the day. Adam jumps out of the car. ADAM (O.C) Come on. All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY Yeah, right... ANGLE ON: A BOARD READING: “JOB PLACEMENT BOARD”. Buzzwell, the Bee Processor, is at the counter. Another BEE APPLICANT, SANDY SHRIMPKIN is EXITING. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Is it still available? BUZZWELL Hang on. (he looks at changing numbers on the board) Two left. And...one of them’s yours. Congratulations Son, step to the side please. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 17. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Yeah! ADAM (to Sandy, leaving) What did you get? SANDY SHRIMPKIN Picking the crud out. That is stellar! ADAM Wow. BUZZWELL (to Adam and Barry) Couple of newbies? ADAM Yes Sir. Our first day. We are ready. BUZZWELL Well, step up and make your choice. ANGLE ON: A CHART listing the different sectors of Honex. Heating, Cooling, Viscosity, Krelman, Pollen Counting, Stunt Bee, Pouring, Stirrer, Humming, Regurgitating, Front Desk, Hair Removal, Inspector No. 7, Chef, Lint Coordinator, Stripe Supervisor, Antennae-ball polisher, Mite Wrangler, Swatting Counselor, Wax Monkey, Wing Brusher, Hive Keeper, Restroom Attendant. ADAM (to Barry) You want to go first? BARRY No, you go. ADAM Oh my. What’s available? BUZZWELL Restroom attendant is always open, and not for the reason you think. ADAM Any chance of getting on to the Krelman, Sir? BUZZWELL Sure, you’re on. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 18. He plops the KRELMAN HAT onto Adam’s head. ANGLE ON: The job board. THE COLUMNS READ: “OCCUPATION” “POSITIONS AVAILABLE”, and “STATUS”. The middle column has numbers, and the right column has job openings flipping between “open”, “pending”, and “closed”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) Oh, I’m sorry. The Krelman just closed out. ADAM Oh! He takes the hat off Adam. BUZZWELL Wax Monkey’s always open. The Krelman goes from “Closed” to “Open”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) And the Krelman just opened up again. ADAM What happened? BUZZWELL Well, whenever a bee dies, that’s an opening. (pointing at the board) See that? He’s dead, dead, another dead one, deady, deadified, two more dead. Dead from the neck up, dead from the neck down. But, that’s life. ANGLE ON: Barry’s disturbed expression. ADAM (feeling pressure to decide) Oh, this is so hard. Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector no. 7, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, antenna-ball polisher, mite wrangler-- Barry, Barry, what do you think I should-- Barry? Barry? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 19. Barry is gone. CUT TO: SEQ. 775 - “LOU LODUCA SPEECH” EXT. J-GATE - SAME TIME Splitz, Jackson, Buzz, Lou and two other BEES are going through final pre-flight checks. Barry ENTERS. LOU LODUCA Alright, we’ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine. Geranium window box on Sutton Place... Barry’s antennae rings, like a phone. ADAM (V.O) What happened to you? Where are you? Barry whispers throughout. BARRY I’m going out. ADAM (V.O) Out? Out where? BARRY Out there. ADAM (V.O) (putting it together) Oh no. BARRY I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM (V.O) You’re going to die! You’re crazy! Hello? BARRY Oh, another call coming in. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 20. ADAM (V.O) You’re cra-- Barry HANGS UP. ANGLE ON: Lou Loduca. LOU LODUCA If anyone’s feeling brave, there’s a Korean Deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. BARRY (timidly) Hey guys. BUZZ Well, look at that. SPLITZ Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LODUCA (to Barry) Hold it son, flight deck’s restricted. JACKSON It’s okay Lou, we’re going to take him up. Splitz and Jackson CHUCKLE. LOU LODUCA Really? Feeling lucky, are ya? A YOUNGER SMALLER BEE THAN BARRY, CHET, runs up with a release waiver for Barry to sign. CHET Sign here. Here. Just initial that. Thank you. LOU LODUCA Okay, you got a rain advisory today and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, (reading off clipboard) watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears, and bats. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 21. Also, I got a couple reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy’s in a home because of it, just babbling like a cicada. BARRY That’s awful. LOU LODUCA And a reminder for all you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans. Alright, launch positions! The Jocks get into formation, chanting as they move. LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Black and Yellow! JOCKS Hello! SPLITZ (to Barry) Are you ready for this, hot shot? BARRY Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Barry NODS, terrified. BUZZ Wind! - CHECK! JOCK #1 Antennae! - CHECK! JOCK #2 Nectar pack! - CHECK! JACKSON Wings! - CHECK! SPLITZ Stinger! - CHECK! BARRY Scared out of my shorts - CHECK. LOU LODUCA Okay ladies, let’s move it out. Everyone FLIPS their goggles down. Pit crew bees CRANK their wings, and remove the starting blocks. We hear loud HUMMING. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 22. LOU LODUCA (CONT'D) LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Pound those petunia's, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! A FLIGHT DECK GUY in deep crouch hand-signals them out the archway as the backwash from the bee wings FLUTTERS his jump suit. Barry follows everyone. SEQ. 800 - “FLYING WITH THE JOCKS” The bees climb above tree tops in formation. Barry is euphoric. BARRY Whoa! I’m out! I can’t believe I’m out! So blue. Ha ha ha! (a beat) I feel so fast...and free. (re: kites in the sky) Box kite! Wow! They fly by several bicyclists, and approach a patch of flowers. BARRY (CONT'D) Flowers! SPLITZ This is blue leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around thirty degrees and hold. BARRY (sotto) Roses. JACKSON Thirty degrees, roger, bringing it around. Many pollen jocks break off from the main group. They use their equipment to collect nectar from flowers. Barry flies down to watch the jocks collect the nectar. JOCK Stand to the side kid, it’s got a bit of a kick. The jock fires the gun, and recoils. Barry watches the gun fill up with nectar. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 23. BARRY Oh, that is one Nectar Collector. JOCK You ever see pollination up close? BARRY No, Sir. He takes off, and the excess pollen dust falls causing the flowers to come back to life. JOCK (as he pollinates) I pick some pollen up over here, sprinkle it over here, maybe a dash over there, pinch on that one...see that? It’s a little bit of magic, ain’t it? The FLOWERS PERK UP as he pollinates. BARRY Wow. That’s amazing. Why do we do that? JOCK ...that’s pollen power, Kid. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY Cool. The Jock WINKS at Barry. Barry rejoins the other jocks in the sky. They swoop in over a pond, kissing the surface. We see their image reflected in the water; they’re really moving. They fly over a fountain. BUZZ I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow, could be daisies. Don’t we need those? SPLITZ Copy that visual. We see what appear to be yellow flowers on a green field. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 24. They go into a deep bank and dive. BUZZ Hold on, one of these flowers seems to be on the move. SPLITZ Say again...Are you reporting a moving flower? BUZZ Affirmative. SEQ. 900 - “TENNIS GAME” The pollen jocks land. It is a tennis court with dozens of tennis balls. A COUPLE, VANESSA and KEN, plays tennis. The bees land right in the midst of a group of balls. KEN (O.C) That was on the line! The other bees start walking around amongst the immense, yellow globes. SPLITZ This is the coolest. What is it? They stop at a BALL on a white line and look up at it. JACKSON I don’t know, but I’m loving this color. SPLITZ (smelling tennis ball) Smells good. Not like a flower. But I like it. JACKSON Yeah, fuzzy. BUZZ Chemical-y. JACKSON Careful, guys, it’s a little grabby. Barry LANDS on a ball and COLLAPSES. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 25. BARRY Oh my sweet lord of bees. JACKSON Hey, candy brain, get off there! Barry attempts to pulls his legs off, but they stick. BARRY Problem! A tennis shoe and a hand ENTER FRAME. The hand picks up the ball with Barry underneath it. BARRY (CONT'D) Guys! BUZZ This could be bad. JACKSON Affirmative. Vanessa walks back to the service line, BOUNCES the ball. Each time it BOUNCES, the other bees cringe and GASP. ANGLE ON: Barry, terrified. Pure dumb luck, he’s not getting squished. BARRY (with each bounce) Very close...Gonna Hurt...Mamma’s little boy. SPLITZ You are way out of position, rookie. ANGLE ON: Vanessa serving. We see Barry and the ball up against the racket as she brings it back. She tosses the ball into the air; Barry’s eyes widen. The ball is STRUCK, and the rally is on. KEN Coming in at you like a missile! Ken HITS the ball back. Barry feels the g-forces. ANGLE ON: The Pollen Jocks watching Barry pass by them in SLOW MOTION. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 26. BARRY (in slow motion) Help me! JACKSON You know, I don't think these are flowers. SPLITZ Should we tell him? JACKSON I think he knows. BARRY (O.S) What is this?! Vanessa HITS a high arcing lob. Ken waits, poised for the return. We see Barry having trouble maneuvering the ball from fatigue. KEN (overly confident) Match point! ANGLE ON: Ken running up. He has a killer look in his eyes. He’s going to hit the ultimate overhead smash. KEN (CONT'D) You can just start packing up Honey, because I believe you’re about to eat it! ANGLE ON: Pollen Jocks. JACKSON Ahem! Ken is distracted by the jock. KEN What? No! He misses badly. The ball rockets into oblivion. Barry is still hanging on. ANGLE ON: Ken, berating himself. KEN (CONT’D) Oh, you cannot be serious. We hear the ball WHISTLING, and Barry SCREAMING. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 27. BARRY Yowser!!! SEQ. 1000 - “SUV” The ball flies through the air, and lands in the middle of the street. It bounces into the street again, and sticks in the grille of an SUV. INT. CAR ENGINE - CONTINUOUS BARRY’S POV: the grille of the SUV sucks him up. He tumbles through a black tunnel, whirling vanes, and pistons. BARRY AHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHHHH!! EECHHH!! AHHHHHH!! Barry gets chilled by the A/C system, and sees a frozen grasshopper. BARRY (CONT’D) (re: grasshopper) Eww, gross. CUT TO: INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS The car is packed with a typical suburban family: MOTHER, FATHER, eight-year old BOY, LITTLE GIRL in a car seat and a GRANDMOTHER. A big slobbery DOG is behind a grate. Barry pops into the passenger compartment, hitting the Mother’s magazine. MOTHER There’s a bee in the car! They all notice the bee and start SCREAMING. BARRY Aaahhhh! Barry tumbles around the car. We see the faces from his POV. MOTHER Do something! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 28. FATHER I’m driving! Barry flies by the little girl in her CAR SEAT. She waves hello. LITTLE GIRL Hi, bee. SON He’s back here! He’s going to sting me! The car SWERVES around the road. Barry flies into the back, where the slobbery dog SNAPS at him. Barry deftly avoids the jaws and gross, flying SPITTLE. MOTHER Nobody move. If you don’t move, he won’t sting you. Freeze! Everyone in the car freezes. Barry freezes. They stare at each other, eyes going back and forth, waiting to see who will make the first move. Barry blinks. GRANNY He blinked! Granny pulls out a can of HAIR SPRAY. SON Spray him, Granny! Granny sprays the hair spray everywhere. FATHER What are you doing? GRANNY It’s hair spray! Extra hold! MOTHER Kill it! Barry gets sprayed back by the hair spray, then sucked out of the sunroof. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 29. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS BARRY Wow. The tension level out here is unbelievable. I’ve got to get home. As Barry flies down the street, it starts to RAIN. He nimbly avoids the rain at first. BARRY (CONT’D) Whoa. Whoa! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in-- A couple of drops hit him, his wings go limp and he starts falling. BARRY (CONT'D) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Barry sees a window ledge and aims for it and just makes it. Shivering and exhausted, he crawls into an open window as it CLOSES. SEQ. 1100 - “VANESSA SAVES BARRY” INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Inside the window, Barry SHAKES off the rain like a dog. Vanessa, Ken, Andy, and Anna ENTER the apartment. VANESSA Ken, can you close the window please? KEN Huh? Oh. (to Andy) Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? It folds out. Ken holds up his brochure, with photos of himself, and a resume in the middle. ANGLE ON: Barry hiding behind the curtains, as Ken CLOSES THE WINDOW. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 30. BARRY Oh no, more humans. I don’t need this. Barry HOVERS up into the air and THROWS himself into the glass. BARRY (CONT’D) (dazed) Ow! What was that? He does it again, and then multiple more times. BARRY (CONT'D) Maybe this time...this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time. Barry JUMPS onto the drapes. BARRY (CONT'D) (out of breath) Drapes! (then, re: glass) That is diabolical. KEN It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top ten favorite movies. ANDY What’s your number one? Star Wars? KEN Ah, I don’t go for that, (makes Star Wars noises), kind of stuff. ANGLE ON: Barry. BARRY No wonder we’re not supposed to talk to them. They’re out of their minds. KEN When I walk out of a job interview they’re flabbergasted. They can’t believe the things I say. Barry looks around and sees the LIGHT BULB FIXTURE in the middle of the ceiling. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 31. BARRY (re: light bulb) Oh, there’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out. Barry takes off and heads straight for the light bulb. His POV: The seventy-five watt label grows as he gets closer. BARRY (CONT’D) I don’t remember the sun having a big seventy five on it. Barry HITS the bulb and is KNOCKED SILLY. He falls into a BOWL OF GUACAMOLE. Andy dips his chip in the guacamole, taking Barry with it. ANGLE ON: Ken and Andy. KEN I’ll tell you what. You know what? I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Barry’s POV: Giant human mouth opening. KEN (CONT’D) Wait! Stop! Beeeeeee! ANNA Kill it! Kill it! They all JUMP up from their chairs. Andy looks around for something to use. Ken comes in for the kill with a big TIMBERLAND BOOT on each hand. KEN Stand back. These are winter boots. Vanessa ENTERS, and stops Ken from squashing Barry. VANESSA (grabs Ken’s arm) Wait. Don’t kill him. CLOSE UP: on Barry’s puzzled face. KEN You know I’m allergic to them. This thing could kill me. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 32. VANESSA Why does his life have any less value than yours? She takes a GLASS TUMBLER and places it over Barry. KEN Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA I’m just saying, all life has value. You don’t know what he’s capable of feeling. Barry looks up through the glass and watches this conversation, astounded. Vanessa RIPS Ken’s resume in half and SLIDES it under the glass. KEN (wistful) My brochure. There’s a moment of eye contact as she carries Barry to the window. She opens it and sets him free. VANESSA There you go, little guy. KEN (O.C) I’m not scared of them. But, you know, it’s an allergic thing. ANDY (O.C) * Hey, why don’t you put that on your * resume-brochure? * KEN (O.C) It’s not funny, my whole face could puff up. ANDY (O.C) Make it one of your “Special Skills.” KEN (O.C) You know, knocking someone out is also a special skill. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 33. EXT. WINDOWSILL - CONTINUOUS Barry stares over the window frame. He can’t believe what’s just happened. It is still RAINING. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 1200 - “BARRY SPEAKS” EXT. WINDOWSILL - LATER Barry is still staring through the window. Inside, everyone’s saying their good-byes. KEN Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA Uh, yeah sure Ken. You know, whatever. KEN You can put carob chips on there. VANESSA Good night. KEN (as he exits) Supposed to be less calories, or something. VANESSA Bye. She shuts the door. Vanessa starts cleaning up. BARRY I’ve got to say something. She saved my life. I’ve got to say something. Alright, here it goes. Barry flies in. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 34. INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Barry hides himself on different PRODUCTS placed along the kitchen shelves. He hides on a Bumblebee Tuna can, and a “Greetings From Coney Island” MUSCLE-MAN POSTCARD on the fridge. BARRY (on fridge) What would I say? (landing on a bottle) I could really get in trouble. He stands looking at Vanessa. BARRY (CONT'D) It’s a bee law. You’re not supposed to talk to a human. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve got to. Oh, I can’t do it! Come on! No, yes, no, do it! I can’t. How should I start it? You like jazz? No, that’s no good. Here she comes. Speak, you fool. As Vanessa walks by, Barry takes a DEEP BREATH. BARRY (CONT’D) (cheerful) Umm...hi. Vanessa DROPS A STACK OF DISHES, and HOPS BACK. BARRY (CONT’D) I’m sorry. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY Yes, I know, I know. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. VANESSA It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s just, I know I’m dreaming, but I don’t recall going to bed. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 35. BARRY Well, you know I’m sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA Well yeah. I mean this is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean...you’re a bee. BARRY Yeah, I am a bee, and you know I’m not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me and if it wasn’t for you...I mean, I had to thank you. It’s just the way I was raised. Vanessa intentionally JABS her hand with a FORK. VANESSA Ow! BARRY That was a little weird. VANESSA (to herself) I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Yeah. VANESSA I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Anyway... VANESSA And a bee is talking to me... BARRY I just want you to know that I’m grateful, and I’m going to leave now. VANESSA Wait, wait, wait, wait, how did you learn to do that? BARRY What? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 36. VANESSA The talking thing. BARRY Same way you did, I guess. Mama, Dada, honey, you pick it up. VANESSA That’s very funny. BARRY Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry. With what we have to deal with. Vanessa LAUGHS. BARRY (CONT’D) Anyway. VANESSA Can I, uh, get you something? BARRY Like what? VANESSA I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know. Coffee? BARRY Well, uh, I don’t want to put you out. VANESSA It’s no trouble. BARRY Unless you’re making anyway. VANESSA Oh, it takes two minutes. BARRY Really? VANESSA It’s just coffee. BARRY I hate to impose. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 37. VANESSA Don’t be ridiculous. BARRY Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA Hey, you want a little rum cake? BARRY I really shouldn’t. VANESSA Have a little rum cake. BARRY No, no, no, I can’t. VANESSA Oh, come on. BARRY You know, I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms here. VANESSA Where? BARRY Well... These stripes don’t help. VANESSA You look great. BARRY I don’t know if you know anything about fashion. Vanessa starts POURING the coffee through an imaginary cup and directly onto the floor. BARRY (CONT'D) Are you alright? VANESSA No. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 1300 - “ROOFTOP COFFEE” "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 38. EXT. VANESSA’S ROOF - LATER Barry and Vanessa are drinking coffee on her roof terrace. He is perched on her keychain. BARRY ...He can’t get a taxi. He’s making the tie in the cab, as they’re flying up Madison. So he finally gets there. VANESSA Uh huh? BARRY He runs up the steps into the church, the wedding is on... VANESSA Yeah? BARRY ...and he says, watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. VANESSA Uh huh? BARRY Why would I marry a watermelon? Barry laughs. Vanessa doesn’t. VANESSA Oh! Is that, uh, a bee joke? BARRY Yeah, that’s the kind of stuff that we do. VANESSA Yeah, different. A BEAT. VANESSA (CONT’D) So anyway...what are you going to do, Barry? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 39. BARRY About work? I don’t know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can’t do it the way they want. VANESSA I know how you feel. BARRY You do? VANESSA Sure, my parents wanted me to be a lawyer or doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY Really? VANESSA My only interest is flowers. BARRY Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. VANESSA Oh. BARRY Anyway, see there’s my hive, right there. You can see it. VANESSA Oh, you’re in Sheep Meadow. BARRY (excited) Yes! You know the turtle pond? VANESSA Yes? BARRY I’m right off of that. VANESSA Oh, no way. I know that area. Do you know I lost a toe-ring there once? BARRY Really? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 40. VANESSA Yes. BARRY Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA Why not? BARRY I don’t know. It’s like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA Really? Okay. A JANITOR in the background changes a LIGHTBULB. To him, it appears that Vanessa is talking to an imaginary friend. JANITOR You all right, ma’am? VANESSA Oh, yeah, fine. Just having two cups of coffee. BARRY Anyway, this has been great. (wiping his mouth) Thanks for the coffee. Barry gazes at Vanessa. VANESSA Oh yeah, it’s no trouble. BARRY Sorry I couldn’t finish it. Vanessa giggles. BARRY (CONT'D) (re: coffee) If I did, I’d be up the rest of my life. Ummm. Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA Sure. Here, have a crumb. She takes a CRUMB from the plate and hands it to Barry. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 41. BARRY (a little dreamy) Oh, thanks. VANESSA Yeah. There is an awkward pause. BARRY Alright, well then, I guess I’ll see you around, or not, or... VANESSA Okay Barry. BARRY And thank you so much again, for before. VANESSA Oh that? BARRY Yeah. VANESSA Oh, that was nothing. BARRY Well, not nothing, but, anyway... Vanessa extends her hand, and shakes Barry’s gingerly. The Janitor watches. The lightbulb shorts out. The Janitor FALLS. CUT TO: SEQ. 1400 - “HONEX” INT. HONEX BUILDING - NEXT DAY ANGLE ON: A TEST BEE WEARING A PARACHUTE is in a wind tunnel, hovering through increasingly heavy wind. SIGNS UNDER A FLASHING LIGHT READ: “Test In Progress” & “Hurricane Survival Test”. 2 BEES IN A LAB COATS are observing behind glass. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 42. LAB COAT BEE 1 This can’t possibly work. LAB COAT BEE 2 Well, he’s all set to go, we may as well try it. (into the mic) Okay Dave, pull the chute. The test bee opens his parachute. He’s instantly blown against the rear wall. Adam and Barry ENTER. ADAM Sounds amazing. BARRY Oh, it was amazing. It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. ADAM Humans! Humans! I can’t believe you were with humans! Giant scary humans! What were they like? BARRY Huge and crazy. They talk crazy, they eat crazy giant things. They drive around real crazy. ADAM And do they try and kill you like on TV? BARRY Some of them. But some of them don’t. ADAM How’d you get back? BARRY Poodle. ADAM Look, you did it. And I’m glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see out there, you had your “experience”, and now you’re back, you can pick out your job, and everything can be normal. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 43. ANGLE ON: LAB BEES examining a CANDY CORN through a microscope. BARRY Well... ADAM Well? BARRY Well, I met someone. ADAM You met someone? Was she Bee-ish? BARRY Mmm. ADAM Not a WASP? Your parents will kill you. BARRY No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM Spider? BARRY You know, I’m not attracted to the spiders. I know to everyone else it’s like the hottest thing with the eight legs and all. I can’t get by that face. Barry makes a spider face. ADAM So, who is she? BARRY She’s a human. ADAM Oh no, no, no, no. That didn’t happen. You didn’t do that. That is a bee law. You wouldn’t break a bee law. BARRY Her name’s Vanessa. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 44. ADAM Oh, oh boy! BARRY She’s so-o nice. And she’s a florist! ADAM Oh, no. No, no, no! You’re dating a human florist? BARRY We’re not dating. ADAM You’re flying outside the hive. You’re talking to human beings that attack our homes with power washers and M-80’s. That’s 1/8 of a stick of dynamite. BARRY She saved my life. And she understands me. ADAM This is over. Barry pulls out the crumb. BARRY Eat this. Barry stuffs the crumb into Adam’s face. ADAM This is not over. What was that? BARRY They call it a crumb. ADAM That was SO STINGING STRIPEY! BARRY And that’s not even what they eat. That just falls off what they eat. Do you know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM No. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 45. BARRY It’s bread... ADAM Come in here! BARRY and cinnamon, ADAM Be quiet! BARRY and frosting...they heat it up-- ADAM Sit down! INT. ADAM’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS BARRY Really hot! ADAM Listen to me! We are not them. We’re us. There’s us and there’s them. BARRY Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning... Barry rolls his chair down the corridor. ADAM There’s no yearning.
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2020.11.23 01:57 OzzieSlim MIA psychos!

I had to do a mental re-set to get back into my groove. But here we are again! M.I.A.? More like Psychos Anonymous!
Fivehead and Cabbage Patch Kid - A bear suit. This is his solution? To show up looking like a Furry. And where does one find a bear suit on a nice day in Rochester NY? Fivehead may have thought he could snap his fingers and get CPK back but that child abuse/neglect charge he just copped, sealed the deal. Malcolm asked good questions. But CPK is right. She has to take that dumbass into consideration as the kids father. But Malcolm also needs to understand that CPK asked him to be there and tried to set up a pre-birthday meeting that Fivehead did not show up to just on GP.
Lindsey Lowdown and Scott Lauer - With Miley Grace’s Rainbow in the Attic completed (with LED lights!), she hopped off on a camping trip in which she packed her phone, her charger and her hover board. She must have gone camping with the Jetsons. Meanwhile Lindsey is going back to “modeling”. But not before starting her day with a large vodka and oj! None of her original photos struck me as more than Instagram posts but she sidled off to a “studio” in the shabby part of town. Sneaky Scott has been going through Lindsey’s online and in person personal life but hasn’t been able to prove anything yet. However, his detective work failed to detect TB and her lesbian u-haul (camper) moving up the driveway. Something tells me Scott and his dogs will be in that camper alone while TB occupies his bed. And I cannot wait to see which car Lindsey ends up with. I would love to see her in a Pinto or Gremlin myself!
Holy Andrea and Laidback Lamar - So Holy A put on her big beads and glasses and headed back out to sell some real estate and bring home the bacon. Lamar has one of the rooms as an in house studio while Nyla and Tennison are sharing? Come on Lamar! However much Holy A bitches though, Lamar was right there helping Priscilla with her family tree. And it looked like he was making a picnic for he and Priscilla and Shantae. And he’s a grandpa! I would love a cool grandpa like him. Give him a shot Shantae!
Shovel and Q1 - Don’t talk to me about setting an example for a kid and then call Q1 the n word. That shit has got to go from the dictionary forever. Shovel went right to the “I bought you everything” argument which won’t play. Q1 got a grill now. Good lord - bad glasses, bad grill and blue fruit of the looms with a wife beater t. Prison fashion 101. It’s 2020 out here Q!!! Unable to convince Shovel of his monogamy (a little hard with that eggplant emoji (that’s what she said!)) Q1 takes his puppy in a pink crate and his clothes from the yard and heads for parts unknown. Meanwhile, Shovel sits in a gutter and cries.
Amish Rumspringer Chane and Laceup - No offense but those identical twins did the smart thing and reabsorbed themselves back to their own dimension! They heard the conversation prior to the drs visit and said “We are out of here!” Meanwhile, a larger organism continues to thrive off (and pee inside) Laceup. Bonus points for Chanes poodle top hair. Mmmmm.
Crazy Eyes and the Stunned Mullet - She has the car. She has the credit card. She’s on the run!!!! Crazy Eyes is driving through the Hotel California and almost nothing can stop her! Not believing in hands free phone work, she swerves around the freeway with a possible ectopic pregnancy and trouble on her mind. This cannot end well!
Brittany and Marcelino - Dirty 30 went to drunken sadness followed by cake rage. And what pushed Marcy over the edge? Being called a bald bastard! Get a grip Marcy! She’s drunk as hell and you smashed a cake on her head!
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2020.11.23 00:05 themonkeyzen Cooking pt2, the Carnivore Cookout.

Thank you for waiting as long as you have.
I've been taking my time and learning about cooking, and building some of the universe that this story resides in as well as fine tuning the species and the location for this next story. I don't have everything perfect yet, but this is as much as I wanted to get without stringing you guys along for another week. So there's going to be some errors with grammar (It is not my strong suit) and word spelling or misspelling.
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The ship was slowing down.
Although he couldn't exactly see why they where slowing the planet below them Chandak still looked very far off. Although he wasn't a sailor and this was his first and probably only trip into space, he still knew that the distance between them and him had to be well in the hundreds of thousands of kilometers. An to be honest, space scared the crap out of him.
It was a big lifeless void of nothing. So monumentally open and big they had dedicated one solitary word to describe it. An so much of it there really was. He had done reading on space and space travel at the behest of his wife who had had enough of him complaining about a trip, that he had competed for. It was nerves really. So he'd dutifully read up on the subject as much as he could, going over the safety procedures and the ship they'd be traveling on with a fine tooth comb. There where escape pods located along the hull on both sides even he could operate with a few weeks worth of ration and water inside as well as a beacon for rescue. There where emergency force-fields that would snap into place encase of explosive decompression, with their own dedicated power supply. Plus they were being escorted by three warships and some of the finest marines and sailors their navy had to offer.
Knowing these few things made him feel safer, but it still would not erase the butterflies when he saw his staff press themselves against the glass to see their first alien planet below.
The competition to get here had been fierce.
While advisors where essentially representing all of humanities knowledge on military tactics and what else they could divulge, the cultural representatives would be sharing dances and art work as well as more detailed history than they had managed to scrounge on their own. It was something he was genuinely interested in, history had always been a bit of a side hobby, that was when it wasn't dwarfed by his passion for cooking with meat.
Chef Daniels ran a successful Smokehouse and Live-Music Restaurant back on Earth. He had built his reputation on smoking a lot of the meat they used in their recipes, to make a generous BBQ spread year round.
Steaks, hamburgers, ribs, stuffed peppers, smoked brisket, smoked chicken along with some smoked sausage that he'd gotten a local retailer to let him design. Some of the younger kids on his staff had recently smoked an egg in the kitchens smoker as well. It had turned out fine but he hadn't put much thought into adding it to the menu. Along with all the meat they had salads, some pasta dishes as well as the regular fries, onion rings and chicken wings that any restaurant that could be called one would have.
But this was a challenge he'd never truly faced before.
Sure it was easy to make a pulled pork sandwich, or serve a half rack or full rack of ribs to his customers. His All-Meat Burger with pulled pork, sausage, chicken and fish had put his place on the map in many respects. They even had a yearly contest for their Seventy Two ounce steak, over four thousand calories twice the daily intake for anyone not overly active. It was expensive and only a few contestants a year tried it, but it brought in the crowds and it was spectacle that always made his place the center of attention for that one night.
Now though he wasn't feeding Omnivores. These folks where strictly Carnivores, and it wasn't a lifestyle choice this was how they'd evolved over the years. On meat based diet. That was a challenge to create a dish for, it meant no buns no pasta, even the batter was out. No starches, no yeast, no vegetables to lighten the blow of the proteins. Only fats, proteins along with butter and creams. He even had to be careful what spices he used cause some could put the aliens into shock, or even outright kill them. So no Thyme, Oregano, or Mint, those where actually deadly towards them. Not that he'd put mint in any meat dishes. Things like celery seeds, chives, dill and any similar spices where to be avoided as they weren't immediately lethal but they didn't want to accidentally poison them. Paprika, red pepper flakes, chili powder, white pepper, mustard powder where okay though. As well as a lot of other spices so he had some wiggle room. Though he had to go by the technical jargon the scientists had provided to each restaurant picked and make a dish that they'd assumed wouldn't harm them, but still taste delicious.
Though without a current cooking culture on that planet or really in the galaxy at large it was very hard to gauge what they did and did not like.
Chef Daniels Sous Chef came walking up with a tablet in hand, he had relegated her to do inventory again. He himself had done lots of reading and rereading the Approved Rumanoid Consumption list and checking what they had brought with the Sous already, triple checking the seals and inspecting them everyday they had been traveling. It drove the ship crew nuts, but it was a habit he wasn't about to break.
"Everything's still sealed in stasis, no breaks in the container, leakage or spoilage either. The spices haven't been touched by the Galley crew either and all of our supplies are accounted for." Sous Chef Hetav been with him for eight years by now and was looking into opening her own place in a year or two, he was sad to see her go but it was the nature of the business. Besides he had one or two promising cooks who he could train to take her place.
He gave her a nod of thanks and held out his hand for her to place the tablet into, he immediately began his own look over the inventory. It wasn't that he didn't trust her. This was a dinner so important he'd had to compete against an entire world's worth of talented Chefs and Restaurants just to be able to go. The winner's where representing and entire people spread over five planets. And although his wasn't the only team of cooks going down to Chandak, they where the only one from Earth.
"Good. Get our guys to start packing the equipment and supplies together the Captain told me we'll be passing through their borders and making landfall within the next four hours. I want everything ready to go in the vans before we touch down."
"Yes Chef." She went to wrangle the younger cooks with some of the more senior staff.
He swallowed some air and looked down at the planet as the ship began moving again. "I hope nothing goes wrong."
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How could this have happened at a time like this?
Admiral Siwasuri was looking at the report that had been handed to him by the Captain of the Cruiser they were now on. "Is this accurate?" he read over it again hoping it wasn't so. This was supposed to be a diplomatic trip, one that every sailor, officer, and civilian had been thoroughly screened and vetted for. All of this was supposed to be behind them in Sol.
"Yessir, Warrant Officer Rivard caught the Petty Officer tampering with the food supplies aboard the Olive Branch."
He looked over the report, "Oregano? Is that on the Barred List?" It seemed to the Admiral that he had forgotten the finer things that separated Humans from Rumanoids.
"Yessir, along with Mint and Thyme. I've been checking records and setting a shipwide search for more of the barred items. I've also been sent a message by the Captain of the Olive Branch, the Chef whose supplies has been tainted has been notified." His face tight and his jaw set. This could mean that the Protection of Humans terrorist group had gotten onto their ships. They where set against an alliance with the Rumanoids because of their carnivorous nature.
The Rumanoids did give them plenty of reasons to hate them however. A bulky and pack centered race they where known as fierce fighters and regularly participated in blood sports where a few deaths a year wasn't unheard of. Rituals of burning themselves with hot metal as a sign of rank in their military or of important in political office was often painful for humans to watch and resembled branding cattle on a ranch. Not to mention their eating of raw meat exclusively as the base of their diet. That made a lot of peoples stomachs turn back home.
After reviewing the tablet and the attached file of the Petty Officer he decided that this was something he owed his opposite number an explanation. "Please inform Keert Nothran that I'd like to talk to her. We need to make them understand that this isn't why we're here."
"Yessir." he gave a sharp salute and left the Admiral to think in the Captains quarters.
Interlacing his fingers he rested his head on them and thought.
The screen above him beeped with the words INCOMING TRANSMISSION flashing on them. He made sure his uniform was tidy and straight as well as his posture before hitting the answer button. "Keert Nothran." Stating her Name then Rank as was traditional in their culture.
"Admiral Siwasuri this is unexpected. We have just cleared you for entry into our space." the translator was give the Nothran's barking singing voice an aged female human one to compensate for the lack of lips. Rumanoid culture as it turns out had a more Matriarchal social structure much like lion packs did. Few males and many females.
"I'd like you to hold off on granting our ship entry into your airspace for the moment. We have a saboteur on board." he waited as she took in the news, his mind trying to anticipate her next words and what he would say to keep this diplomatic mission on track.
"I was informed that your ships had been cleared of these terrorists, and was assured they would not interfere." He noted the insignia on her chest, a stark change from the women under his command, where their chests where flat rather than rounded like humans where. Also the body of a Rumanoid looked more like a werewolves did with some thicker legs and more dexterous fingers with smaller claws but no less sharp he'd been assured. They where a study in an evolved predator species that had come from a more canine background, especially since they had retained many of the sharper teeth and the palate for raw meats.
It was intimidating and sent his reptile brain screaming, the first time that is.
"I was given those same assurances Nothran, it seems they found a way to bypass our strictest security protocols and get aboard. You've been briefed on the Protectors of Humanity?" making sure his back was straight tall and he appeared as confident as she did. While they didn't eat sentient meat or act as much as animals as one would expect this was still a military officer and it wouldn't do to show weakness towards them.
She spat to the side in what the translator told him was a equivalent curse to her people. "We have come across these prejudices before. They are scared we will try and conquer your race and subject them to our ways. These Protectors of Humanity show the same fear our people do. The radicals who fear change to our ways, that humans will make us soft." she barked something to the crew around her, something about orders and teams that the translator didn't quite pick up. Finally turning her muzzle to the screen separating them. "I will send down a team of my own to inspect the tainted goods. I will not let these sniveling cubs come between our friendship."
He gave her a curt nod. "I appreciate that. I will be sending a transmission back to my superiors I would be happy to send yours along as well."
At the very corner of her muzzle a smile crept up the side. It was the closest her species got to smiling in the monkey way. "I am thankful for the offer. We have our own channels to send to your people." she looked directly at the human Admiral on her screen. "May you fly true Admiral Siwasuri."
"Fly true Keert Nothran." and with that their conversation was over. He blew out a relieved breathe of air. "That went better than I'd expected."
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Captain De Louise was taking a verbal beating from Chef Daniels after he'd learned about his dry goods being tainted with oregano of all things.
He had stormed into her office clearly upset, angry, and scared that he had been targeted and the confidence in his craft was now under scrutiny by aliens. Not to mention the fact that they had just performed a check on their inventory before the Petty Officer had been caught sabotaging their spices.
The Captain let him vent for a few minutes, until she recognized a man on a rant and had raised her voice. Something she rarely did in her command, a fact she was quite proud of in her military career. These however where not people in the rank and file. These where civilians. "Mr. Daniels!" her voice carried through the small conference room easily and silenced all who where speaking. Switching tone immediately she laid out what they now knew. "We have caught the Petty Officer who tainted your dry goods."
"Rub." he quickly corrected her.
Not used to people being so forward with her on her ship she quickly changed tact from her commanding presence to one of a sympathetic nature. He was reminding her of a young De Louise who had refused to listen about the dangers of house parties. "Yes Rub, and we are questioning him as we speak. The Oregano has been contained and is being sealed away before our guests arrive. We are doing all we can to stop this sabotage before it gets out of hand."
"Out of hand?!" he pulled out his tablet and pointed to an item she could barely see. "They put it in the Rub! That's the biggest batch of 'dry goods' we have! It's practically useless now! How am I supposed to cook brisket without Rub?!"
While the Captain was contemplating what a Rub was for her second in command spoke up to her aid. "I'm sure if you spoke to our Chef he would have something to help you out, we've already cleared him and his crew and their free of Barred Items and anything less lethal to Rumanoids."
"How am I supposed to recoup that much loss? All the ingredients for another batch are back on Earth!"
Having enough of this insubordination on her ship, under her command civilian or not. "Mr. Daniels!" his unimpressed eyes latched onto her again. "I'm sure a creative man like you can find a way. I don't have time to spare for your problems, I have terrorists to find and not a lot of time to find them." she looked to a rather serious looking sailor in uniform. "Master Petty Officer escort Mr. Daniels out of this room and make sure he does not bother me again unless it is related to someone dying."
"Yessir." and he turned to the two civilians in front of him. "Sir, Ma'am this way." all but shoving them out of the door. Leaving the Captain of the Olive Branch and her crew to reviewing reports and logs of all the crew onboard she was responsible for.
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Chef Daniels was furious.
This was a defining moment of his career, something that he'd only dream he'd be able to do and now it was being ruined by a bunch of fearmongering assholes who could only imagine bad and not the good.
He had been given a pair of military escorts that followed him back down to the storage area they had been given for their supplies. Already inside Sous Chef Hetav was with the rest of the cooks frantically checking each package sealed and unsealed to check for any more barred items they may have gotten into the meat or other spices. With technicians providing scanners that went deep inside the meats to check again that it wouldn't kill the Rumanoids.
With a sharp tone that was holding back anger. "What did they get?"
She stood up and looked at her Chef and then gave a nod to the sailor who was scanning the brisket beside her. A very slow and thorough process.
The air condensed into a cloud around her mouth in the compartment, while not what it was originally intended for this was to help keep the meat as cold as possible as they checked it outside of the stasis containers. "Seems the rub was the only thing tainted so far. When we came in there was oregano scattered everywhere on the floor looks like they got into a fight. It's been cleaned up and put into a sealed box. It looks like he got pretty far into mixing it in with the rub, it wasn't a lot and it was powdered so it would have gone unnoticed when we'd apply it. By the amount though looks like we got lucky with that Warrant Officer, he was planning to ruin our entire inventory."
Rubbing his face with a palm Chef Daniels grumbled and then started making plans. "Get Saro, Carter, and Julian into the kitchen with you and start working on a new Rub. Everyone else doesn't leave until we're sure the rest of it is fine. I'll stay here to inventory and see what we can salvage." he jerked his thumb at the door as he took out the stylus from his pocket and got to work.
It was a long process and it took nearly three hours for him to be satisfied they weren't going to kill any of the aliens they where serving. About half way into those three hours the Rumanoids showed up.
This meeting was always going to go down in history, but what struck Chef Daniels as the most notable part of this whole thing was how little he was actually afraid of them. Sure they where around six feet tall on average, bodies that looked like they all worked out. They where quite nice, respectful and they acted like professionals. He didn't really see much of their faces or the uniforms they supposedly wore as they where covered in hazmat suits and holding scanners of their own. Which they applied to everything that he had brought with him.
It took some cross checking and showing them the offending substance so they could add it to their database but they where cleared by both Human and Rumanoid techs to serve their food on the surface.
When they where cleared however one tech stayed behind as his staff was sealing everything back up and reengaging the stasis containers. She took off her hazmat hat and breathed in a breathe of safe fresh air. "That smells pretty good." she took another breath through her muzzle and walked closer to Chef Daniels.
He couldn't help his initial reaction of backing up as this big wolf person came up to him. She didn't take it to seriously and politely waited with her paw outstretched. He grasped it and shook it, noticing it had about as much strength as his own either that or she was holding back. "Thank you for letting us take a look. We know much more about this sort of thing."
It wasn't really human words, it was barking whining and very similar dog like noises that came out of her mouth, quickly and efficiently translated. He felt funny like he was talking to a dog that was being voiced over. "I'm just glad we've still got something to serve you!" he laughed and she smiled at the corner of her mouth, looking very alien the way she did it and very familiar.
"I look forward to hearing about it." she gave one last look at the meat on the shelves. "Those are some lucky Ranchers down there."

It had taken a whole day but the the culprits had been found, although one had to be brought out in a body bag as they'd successfully committed suicide.
This unnerved Chef Daniels. This attack on his inventory had been bad enough but for someone to actually kill themselves rather than be caught? That made this all to real.
He tried to put it out of his mind as their convoy was greeted by the Rumanoids security detail on their planet. Turns out there where many more girl than guy space wolves and that apparently was quite common. He was envious of those going into the city to learn about space wolf culture and see the sites, his group was pressing their faces up to the windows of the van they'd piled into as they drove on a highway escorted by a small army of local police.
It seems they where just as afraid of their people attacking humans as humans where of them.
Once they left the lakeside city behind them, they came out onto a plains looking landscape. Rolling hills and lush grass fields that seemed well maintained and cultivated for just being grass. An it was boringly simple grass too, same colour same shape with different looking weeds growing in some places. If it wasn't for the weird looking cows he would have sworn he was back in Alberta.
"Look! Alien Cows!" Everyone crowded around the right window looking out at the different looking bovines that were calmly chewing the familiar grass, completely unaware they where the first local fauna being observed by aliens. "Look at those horns, they got big hooves!"
They where indeed larger than home grown cows. Thicker legs held up a bigger body, about thirty percent bigger than your average heffer, with a more furry looking hide. The biggest difference of course was in the face. They had large mouths like a hippos with long necks that allowed them to graze without kneeling. It was an odd sight not to see regular earth cows and see these strange looking hippo/llama/yak hybrids in a field as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Which it was here.
Chef Daniels looked to the marine escort that had come with them, along with his team that was spread out among the four vans they had. "Ever seen anything like it?"
Sergeant Ohama nodded, "Once, when we where given the threat assessment for the location." he still gave the 'cows' a big side eye as he drove. "Still something to see them in person."
They drove for about two hours, or four tamles in local time denominations, when they reached Kerchaw Ranch.
It was a large affair. With their primary food stock being meat they had a large grazing field around them they had driven through along with several big zoo looking enclosures with local animals moving around and being loud. Trying to see what had rolled up to their homes.
Getting out of their vans it was noon in their Twenty Three hour or Forty Six tamle day. So they had plenty of time to get BBQ set up and prep for the evening meal. He got Hetav to start that while he went with Sergeant Ohama to greet the owner of the Ranch.
She was walking over with what he assumed was her best leathers on. Leather work being one of the signature Rumanoid clothing options and exports. She wore what looked like some space cow hide vest over top of a white shirt that came down to her elbows and a red pair of pants that he assumed where also some kind of sewn leather that he'd heard about but was unsure how that was possible. Sticking out her paw much more forcefully than the tech had he jumped a little bit. She was quick to apologize. "Sorry, got a little excited." he took hers and shook it. "You must be Chef Daniels and Sergeant Ohama." he got an enthusiastic shake as well. "I'm Itack Kerchaw, this is my families Ranch."
"Pleased to meet you." greeted the Chef.
"Ma'am." was all she got out of the Sergeant. He was here as security afterall not to socialize, he was sure his conversation with their alien escort was going to be much longer.
"Would you like the tour?"
He held up a hand and she looked at it curiously as he smiled at her and pointed to his staff. "If its okay I'd rather get everything set up before we let my cooks run around."
She gave that weird side smile and nodded. "Sure sure, I'll make sure my girls don't interrupt."
That's when the strangest thing happened.
A ball came rolling out from behind one of the enclosures and barrelled directly for them. About three feet tall it had a silver sheen to it and a black stripe around it that spun with the direction of the sphere. Sergeant Ohama had already drawn his pistol and Daniels was poised and ready to jump or run when Itack put out her hands. "It's okay it's just a Mo'bair."
The Sergeant was still tensed as it slowed down to halt beside the owner. It seemed to right itself so the circle was level with the ground then the top split down the middle and the two halves opened and fell to the side with a hydraulic hiss to press against the ground stabilizing the ball on some metal arms. Every human in view stopped what they where doing to watch this spectacle.
Inside was the third of the races friendly to humans.
Small only three feet in length they had six stubby limbs and a body that looked more like the microscopic Tardigrade, with gecko like hands on each limb they where the only species that wore no clothes and had four eyes. They where also the most technologically advanced of the four races. Developing technology for mobility and speed far before any other race. It was sitting on its belly on a chair, four of its limbs working some different control with three screens in front of its face, while its hole like mouth sat below its eyes closed and looking squids suction cup. With grey skin and looking more overweight than anything, it had by far made the most theatrical entrance than any other species he'd heard of.
"This is He'tailr my Accountant and Supplies Manager." she swept her arm from the small alien to the humans before her. "These are the humans I mentioned before."
It didn't open its mouth but instead words where spoken by a translator somewhere in the sphere itself. "Welcome. I am told that you have far superior nutrient rich food at your disposal."
Daniels looked at Ohama as he holstered his weapon. "Um yeah, what do you like to eat?"
"We do not like to eat. We have no taste buds."
"Oh." He'd forgotten that these folks had sacks of digestive fluids that they simply put organic matter into, and sometimes inorganic as well. They had been unimpressed with Territ 78's famous report on human cooking. "Right. Um your still welcome to some anyway. Body needs food," then despite his inner critic shouting at him he added. "Right?"
Unperturbed the alien grub blinked its weird pupil-less eyes. "Yes we do. I look forward to it." then it turned its attention to the space wolf rancher as the Chef felt embarrassed and looked away trying not to look more foolish than he did. "Here are the daily accounts, and the new order list." holding up a Rumanoid sized datapad with a robotic arm.
Distracted by the datapad she spoke without looking at the small grub in its hamster ball. "Thank you He'tailr, I'll see you at dinner." and with that the small grub looked at each human before the ball remade itself and seemed to wobble back then forward before rolling off to another part of the Ranch.
Without meaning to Daniels blurted out. "That was weird." Eyes going wide with shock at the lack of diplomacy with which he'd handled that.
Itack seemed to find it funny and broke into a few quick barking laughs. "He's like that with everyone." she assured her guests. "Don't take it personally."
They had to set up their work station and make sure everything was ready to go for later in the day, but right now the smoker and the Brisket needed to be done first. They'd be there late into the night and smoking was a long process. One they'd mentioned in the information packet so they weren't going to leave it out. It would still taste good even with an simple rub as opposed to the more complex one they originally made.
Itack was brought over and introduced to his staff with handshakes and polite smiles. They then showed her the process of how one cooked with smoke and finally got the brisket rubbed down and let their host give a cursory sniff. "It smells odd," she rubbed her nose. "I've never smelt something like that on meat before." he seemed hesitant. "Will it taste good?"
This time it was the Chef's time to smile. "Oh yes."
Once they got the Brisket in and left the security team to watch over their supplies, still nervous about the previous attack. They got the tour of the property.
She showed them the weird hippo faced llama necked yak bodied cows that are the most common meat source. Then the monkey type creatures, which made every human anxious and scared for their alien cousins. Some reptiles where also shown in a much much warmer enclosure with some mammals for them to feed on. They also had avian species they ate but they weren't on this ranch. It made Chef Daniels think hard on what agriculture and ranching was like for these people. They had to consistently supply meat to all of their people, make sure its raised properly and fed properly. That means they had agriculture specifically for their livestock, and they would feed specific herds with different foods to help change the taste. They lacked any proper digestive tracks for fruits but they did feed them to the avian creatures and monkeys they kept as livestock and they had to fertilize then and use pesticides on them. Although they where aliens so maybe they had different methods than spraying.
To soon tour was over and the Ranch Hands came back to the main house for what was to be a momentous occasion. Cooked meat. They had never seen the like.
They had seats to wait for their food, but as this was as much a spectacle to watch as to eat the humans found themselves performers on the flat tops and grills as they cooked up the hamburgers ribs and chicken for their customers.
Daniels found it a little unnerving to be watched like a monkey before a wolf. He pulled Itack over to him and made a mention of this. Apparently as in thralled as the others she hadn't been aware of the fact that they where intimidating them. So one by one she pulled them back until they where at a more respectful distance to watch them work.
The meal for that evening consisted of Half racks of ribs with salt and pepper chicken wings on the side. Cheese stuffed hamburgers with bacon and meat waffles as the bun. Chef's famous All-Meat Hamburger took a lot to make and there were few to hand out. Lastly is a World Famous Chili that barely had to be altered at all.
When the first plate was handed out to Itack every biped watched with bated breath as she bit into the first cooked rib served on Chandak. With baited breathe Chef watched as she thought about what she was eating and then eyes going wide in canine delight as she quickly ate up the rest. "It's delicious!!"
What followed was more akin to a buffet back home. Plates where quickly passed out with various dishes on them, they lined up and asked for what they thought looked good. That seemed to be everything that the humans where cooking. Even though this was a much more limited menu than what they would normally serve. The kitchen staff worked admirably in these strange conditions with these meat eating sentient wolves watching them, some drooling before quickly wiping their mouths. Even the strange human carbonated beverages where at hit, the more robust flavours like root beer and coke.
By the time they ran out most of the Ranch hands where sitting down at very similar human benches and picnic tables talking happily and licking their fingers clean. Be them alien wolves from another planet or twenty somethings in on a Friday night Chef Daniels still knew a satisfied customer when he saw one. Even the little Mo'bair seemed surprised at the dense nutrition in the cooked meat, although the taste was lost on it.
Itack was quick to give them praise. "That was incredible. So much flavour, so many types! That gooey yellow substance..."
"Cheese." added Daniels with a smile.
"Cheese! How do you make that?"
He explained the process best he could, he wasn't a dairy farmer after all, while his staff prepared the the human meal which was much less heart attack inducing and friendlier to the omnivorous palate. Simple Coleslaw with burgers and fixins, tomato, celery, onions, relish, ketchup, mustard. With some pop and chips.
An a while afterwards they where done with the cleaning and getting everything squared away they still had the Brisket to chop up and dish out. Although by their reaction, Chef Daniels felt like he had just offered these wolves ice cream instead.
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So that's part 2.
I've got more ideas for this story and would like to expand on it as much as I can. I mean there's only so much I can do with cooking and aliens, but I still see a lot of life left in this series. Even if I do branch away from cooking.
I hope you liked Carnivorous Cookout and hopefully I see you in the next one.
First
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2020.11.21 11:01 5280fabricator Caring for my mother with dementia.

Mending the broken pieces
In the Summer of 2014 my mother was diagnosed with Dementia. At that time she was 63 and living with my grandmother in Southern California. Later that year, my sister and I made the decision to bring her out to Colorado to live with me, until her death in Spring of 2019. I find myself today, almost 7 years since her diagnosis, at a loss, unable to grasp who she was, or what she really meant to me. I have become completely numb, totally incapable of love. Not knowing how to feel things anymore. I’m never particularly happy, never particularly sad. Everything is just grey. Recent events in my life have finally put large cracks in the dam holding back all the emotions I have been harboring, throughout the years. Knowing what I was about to face, writing this story, was always the plan. Somehow I knew it’s exactly what I needed to find myself again. This is the sorry about her and what I experienced, as I start to peel back the layers, understanding them and finally taking the time feel them.
To begin this story, I must capture the essence of her and the relationship we had. I was born into this world by an extraordinary woman, not only was she a God fearing moral person, she was the person that always protected me. She never deceived me. In times of confusion, she would always steer me down the right path. She was mother, she was my rock! I don’t think I can recall a time she ever yelled at me in anger. Don’t get me wrong, I did get yelled at as a kid, No! David was the most common phrase in my house growing up. It was never out of anger tho, only frustration from what I had just done, or was about to do. I was a handful, always into something. Turn you head for a second and I was taking something apart, climbing up on the kitchen countertop or being a ham, performing a circus act in the hallway. I was a tornado of discovery, driven by an active imagination, with enough energy to fuel a power plant. How she survived, the trials and tribulations I put her through, I will never know. All that I know is that she did it with grace. She completely knew me, inside and out and had this peaceful way to guide me. I was born with a very strong will, she must have learned early on, the only way to lead me was by example. It was always the why and never the how. What it took for her to always remain loving and clam, in the midst of the chaos, I would create. This is what makes her the most extraordinary person I have ever known.
What it truly feels like to be loved by your mother, is the love you can see on her eyes the second you walk into the room. Time completely stops and all you can feel is love she has for you. This is how my mother loved me.
THE FIRST YEAR
I’ll never forget the moment I decided she was coming to live with me. We were on a family vacation in Hawaii and I stopped by her room to check on her. She was washing her contact lenses in the the sink. She already had one in her eye while washing the other vigorously under the running water. Looking at me with a puffy red, squinted eye she said, “honey, this really burns”. She was washing the contact lens in the tap water of the sink. She must have been in there for a half hour, repeating the same process. Moving her away from the sink, I grabbed a hand towel and ran it under some warm water. Calmly placing it over her eyes, I reassured her everything was going to be ok. We then headed to the eye doc for a last minute eye exam. We got her pair of glasses, some pain relief eye drops and were on our way. Seeing my mother in panic of pain and her not knowing how to stop it, was the moment reality set in. It was very similar to the “loosing cabin pressure” sene in Fight Club. That moment I knew it was my job to take over. A week later, she came out to Colorado.
Oh man did my mom love Elvis, our vacation in Hawaii was epic. We saw a Elvis impersonator and she thought he was the real deal. It was like a time warp back to the 60’s for her. Singing and dancing the whole time, she couldn’t sit still. After the show she got to meet him, we took some pictures for her and he gave her his scarf. Just before we left he gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was completely glowing the rest of the trip. The scarf he gave her was wrapped around her neck or on her wrist the rest of the year. I must have washed that thing a thousand times.
I tried to make everything about Elvis when we got home. Picked up a giant diner statue at a swap meet and tons of Vinyl records. Elvis was playing regularly around the house this year. There’s a 50’s diner close to my house, where we would have breakfast a couple times a week. She always had the same thing, strawberry french toast with scrambled eggs and a strawberry milkshake.
I remember being very ambitious that year, I was on a mission to find a solution that will slow the progression of her disease. We went to doctor after doctor trying to get a solid plan of attack. Her insurance was still a California HMO plan the and was nothing but thorn in my side. Every doctor had a different opinion and they all seemed scared of their own shadows. They were all unwilling to try alternative medications or treatments I found in Europe. After countless visits in multiple practices we found a young doctor willing to try something new. He had a let’s give it a try and see attitude. This was a breath of fresh air and I started to get my hopes up again. Two weeks later he left the practice and we couldn’t see him anymore. We had to start all over again, that was a very depressing moment, I started smoking again that day.
I was on a job site talking about my mom with a client and she turned me on to a article about Peter Falk. Apparently Peter developed early onset dementia after a dental visit and died soon after. Knowing my mom suffered from periodontal disease her whole life, I scheduled a dental check up for her the next day.
The appointment a the dental office went very well. The staff was amazing, I was able to stay by her side the entire time keeping her calm and making her laugh as a means of being distraction. After a panoramic X-ray, the doctor had a ton of questions. I remember the doctor thinking she had been in a horrific car accident or something. The X-rays looked like a scene from a science fiction horror movie, screws and wires everywhere.
My mom had a cosmetic surgery to correct a overbite just a year before. I didn’t know how extensive it really was until that day. They also had her on a daily dose of Benadryl for almost a year. With the connections to Benadryl and dementia, I found during a previous hunt. I convinced myself, that’s exactly what’s to blame. I told myself this countless times and started to become angry. Chain smoking a pack of cigarettes later, I realized I had created a false hope. When that hope was crushed, I just started to blame. After some deep soul searching, I remembered what I was taught growing up. My mother taught me, nothing is to be gained from anger but a battle fueled by rage. The only thing you can hope to accomplish with that mindset is, annihilation. Battles are won though compassion and understanding. She would have told me, “Life’s a crap shoot, there are no guarantees for anyone, just make the best with what you have and move forward.” She had another had saying, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” That I never really grasped it until that moment. My outlook on the situation completely changed and it only became about making the best of it. Nobody is to blame, it just is. If she’s happy and safe, that’s all that matters.
Getting back to this mindset is exactly what I needed to be reminded of today. Sometimes life beats me down and I loose site of who I am.
Mom and I were starting to get a routine going then. It took a couple weeks to figure it out. 7am is breakfast. She likes to have a cheese omelet with a slice of toast most days. I can usually sneak in a protein shake, if she’s hungry enough to eat the whole omelet. The nanny comes at 8:30 to give her a bath and hang out for a couple hours. That usually lasts until 10. I’d head out to work until 1 and usually come back to mom in her room changing clothes. She’ll put on everything in her closet clean or dirty. It’s very hard to keep track of the clean clothes vs the dirty ones. It’s ok for now I’ll just do laundry every day, she has fun playing dress up, I thought to myself. We usually head out to lunch around 2. There’s a local barestaurant that know us well. We always sit in the same spot and she always gets the same food grilled cheese and a Heineken. We hang out for about 45min while I control the music form an app in my phone. She had no idea I’m doing this and gets surprised every time Elvis comes on. We make it back to the house, walk around the half block to see the Horses, she calls them the big dogs and finish the day with Friends on TV until she’s ready for bed. It’s one of her Favorites and will keep her calm if she has a beer in her hand. This routine stays relatively consistent the whole year.
I start to notice little bits of her cognitive function disappearing, she looses about 10 words each week. This is pretty hard to watch unfold. Conversations started with complete sentences and her, mostly aware of her surroundings. Now she just has a few little phrases to describe everything and no idea where she is. I first started to pay close attention to the decline when we were brushing our teeth in the main bathroom together. I handed her a toothbrush with some paste on it. I always make a quick joke. This time it was, now this isn’t for your nose. That one always made her laugh. This time she didn’t, she instead smeared the paste all over her face. Looking at her completely confused, it felt like my heart hit the floor. It took everting I had to keep it together. I called her a silly goose and said, that’s not supposed to go there, as I washed her face with a towel. I was completely overwhelmed by sadness. I smoked a couple cigarettes in the garage and continued on with the day. That was the first year.
I’ll post more in the comments as I write about it.
submitted by 5280fabricator to dementia [link] [comments]


2020.11.20 23:19 AresWrites [HR] The Cold - Part 2

Part 1
 
When I was 17 years old, I lived in an upper middle class neighborhood in Queens, NY. The lawns were kept neatly manicured, beautiful oak trees lined the sidewalks, and school buses dropped off kids after every school day. The neighborhood was a true melting pot, and every summer, the neighbors would pitch in for supplies and a permit to close down the street and have a neighborhood BBQ. The battle of the BBQ was a decade long tradition between a Korean family and a Black family. They would set up their smokers and grills at the end of the culdesac, and the grilloff would begin amid the sounds of music and children laughing and playing in a bouncy castle. The entire neighborhood would stop by for a plate of amazing food, and to vote on who had the best BBQ. The winner got bragging rights for a year and temporary ownership of a stained off-white apron with the single word GRILLMASTER emblazoned on the front in thick black letters.
 
I was walking on the sidewalk, several blocks away from the battle of the BBQ, when I paused at a stop sign. Before I could turn around, a midnight black Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle roared by me going at least 100 mph and blowing through the stop sign as if it wasn't even there. Simultaneously, a white Oldsmobile sedan was crossing the intersection from left to right. The motorcycle, which was colloquially known as a crotch rocket, barely missed the car and sped by, deafening me with the high-pitched whine of a motorcycle engine being redlined. I watched as the driver of the car snapped his head to the left in surprise. At that exact moment, a second motorcycle, which I only saw as a flash of bright green, raced by me going even faster than the first. The second motorcycle slammed into the passenger's side of the car with a horrendously loud BANG. I had no idea car accidents were that loud until I witnessed one right in front of me. It sounded like a bomb had gone off. The motorcyclist flew through the air so fast that it looked like CGI from a bad movie. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and his head slammed into the concrete curb, killing him instantly with what might be described as gratuitous gore. I remember thinking dumbly, “Blood flows down the concrete gutters just like water.”
 
There was a pause then. I looked back to the car, but I could no longer see the driver as the entire right side of the vehicle was a mass of shredded and crushed metal. Broken glass twinkled on the asphalt as I noticed that even the headlights were shattered. In the movies, a woman would scream, bystanders would rush to the aid of the injured, someone would frantically call 911, and sirens would be heard in the distance. None of that happened though. There was a loud bang, an audible crunch as the motorcyclist came to an abrupt stop, and then... nothing. I looked around to see if anyone had seen the collision, and if I'm being completely honest with myself, I looked because I desperately did not want to be the one to render aid. I didn't need to look in order to know that whoever had been in that car was probably mangled beyond recognition. Nobody else was around though. I focused on the motorcyclist again, and that's when I felt The Cold.
 
It hit me with such intensity that I audibly gasped, and then I saw something that's difficult to describe. Have you ever seen that videography technique where there's a mountain in the background, water in the foreground, and the image is split in half horizontally, perfectly mirrored in the water below? Then the water ripples, and it's revealed that the top of the scene is the reflection, not the original, and the camera was upside down the whole time? Well, that ripple is what I saw. It looked like someone had thrown a tiny pebble into reality, and everything rippled like water on the surface of a still lake. The Cold lingered for a single terrifying heartbeat before disappearing as abruptly as it had appeared. A moment later, the ripple was gone too. I stood rooted to the spot for several long seconds before I remembered to call 911.
 
That night, I thought long and hard about what I'd seen, ruminating and feeling guilty that I didn't feel worse about witnessing a human life snuffed out like a candle dropped into the ocean. The bang. The crunch. The Cold. The ripple. As I thought more about it, I recalled that there was a change in what Google assured me was barometric pressure. At the time, I could only relate it to the experience of being in a car when someone slammed the car door, or being in an airplane during takeoff. My ears didn't pop, but it felt like they could have. There was one thing in particular that kept me awake that night. I had seen something in the ripple. I held the memory in my mind, turning, studying, and polishing it. Whatever had happened was presumably connected to the death of the motorcyclist, and possibly because there was no one else around to see it. If The Cold and the ripple happened every time someone died, the world would surely know about it, so something unique had happened here. A little voice in the back of my head whispered that maybe I'm the only one that CAN see it. “I see dead people,” as the strange little boy once told Bruce Willis. By the time I fell asleep the following morning, I knew something about myself with a calm certainty. I was going to have to kill something and see if The Cold came back.
 
As I write this, night is falling and the temperature is plunging even further below zero. I can feel The Cold forcing its way through the walls of the cabin, through the sleeping bag, and through 5 layers of clothing. It seems impossible. Utterly mad. The fire should keep The Cold at bay, but my fire now looks tiny and pitiful when compared to the unknowable and ancient vastness of The Cold outside. I am but a hairless monkey, toying with forces beyond my comprehension. I dare not risk burning my fire any hotter though. Running out of wood would mean certain death. I gently flex my muscles in groups, stretching and straining each part of my body in sequence and then again in reverse order. I'm careful not to overexert myself and break out into a momentary sweat, which would also likely mean death. As cold as it is, it's still not cold enough yet. The only sound I hear is the wind outside as it whispers quiet but earnest promises of death. Fuck you, wind. You want me? Come and get me.
 
I awoke the morning after the accident with curiosity in my heart and murder on my mind. I knew instinctively that the murder part was going to be a problem. The last time I'd hurt an animal, I had been carrying groceries from Costco into the house. I was carrying a repurposed avocado box, stacked high with frozen meats, potatoes, and onions. I tried to set the heavy box on the counter, but I hadn't lifted it high enough. I lifted the box again in an effort to clear the counter and took a half step back, directly onto my dog's paw. Max, my German Shepard, yelped pitifully as I was unable to redirect my momentum and my full weight plus the weight of the heavy groceries crushed his paw beneath the heel of my shoe. He cowered behind me submissively, tail tucked between his legs with his head held low. He only understood that he had gotten too close to the food, and had been severely punished for it. He lowered his ears abjectly, begging for forgiveness, and my heart nearly broke in two. I felt like an absolute monster, and I hugged him for a long time while apologizing profusely. Clearly, I was not cut out to be the next Dexter.
 
Nevertheless, my plan for animal homicide had already grown and sprouted dark fruit, and less than an hour after waking, I found myself standing near the side of my house, staring at a snail with a sense of growing foreboding and deepening unease. The snail was sliming its way up a stack of red stone pavers. Each paver was about two feet long and two inches thick, and there was a stack of them 10 high. I'd like to say that I took a long moment to contemplate what I was about to do, that I had a final crisis of conscience before playing God, but the truth is, I had decided to kill before I even got out of bed that morning. I plucked the snail from the side of the stack, lifted up the top paver, set the snail down, and let the paver fall on it, crushing it instantly with a wet crunch. I stood there silently for a long moment, hoping desperately that I would feel The Cold, see the ripple, or at least experience something other than bemused disappointment. “Well shit,” I thought to myself. I guess I need to try something else. Snails are like, 1,000 times smaller than a person, so I'd need to kill a thousand of them to even have a chance at recreating what I'd seen. I didn't have a thousand snails handy, but I'm an American, not an American't god dammit, so I gathered the snails I could find in an old pickle jar while pondering the most efficient means of committing simultaneous gastropod genocide.
 
I was keenly aware that torturing and killing animals was a glaringly obvious indicator of future homicidal tendencies. I tried to rationalize it by convincing myself that, if I didn't really enjoy it, it didn't really count. After all, this was more science than cruelty, right? Efforts at trying to delude myself proved unsuccessful, and after a morning spent gathering snails, I counted that I had 23 of them in my pickle jar. I stared at their curious little eye stalks for a long time, watching as their eyes would bounce into the glass, recoil, and then tentatively reach out into the world again. I paradoxically considered letting them all go while at the same time contemplating how best to kill them all contemporaneously. Thoughts of genocide led me to musings on poisoned gas, and ultimately, I decided on fire. I set the jar down carefully on the concrete along the side of the house and retrieved the plastic gas can we used for the lawn mower. I poured a finger's worth of gasoline into the jar, lit a match, and dropped it in. The response was an immediate FWOOSH as the gasoline ignited, burning all the snails in an instant. I hoped they hadn't suffered too much. My hopes seem to have done fuckall for them though. They all burned for a brief moment and fell to the bottom of the pickle jar with sad little clinks as their hard, and now toasty, shells impacted the glass. Once again, The Cold did not come. When the glass cooled, I buried the burnt pickle jar in the bottom of the trash bin in the garage and asked myself how much further I was willing to go in my hunt for The Cold.
 
Insects weren't going to cut it I decided. I needed something bigger, like a cat or a dog. I doubted I'd be able to go through with it though. Just thinking about killing a dog made me sick to my stomach. Something else weighed on my mind too. I had never experienced The Cold before, but whatever it was that I had seen in the ripple, I had seen before. It felt like I had seen an actor in a TV show, and I knew I'd seen them in something else, but I couldn't recall exactly where. The question itched at me, grating my nerves with the knowledge that I could be on the verge of uncovering the greatest mystery in human history if only I could remember where I'd seen the ripple. I racked my brain, and the only conclusive fact I settled on was that I had seen whatever it was in real life and not in a book or a movie. The conundrum was amplified by the fact that I was absolutely certain I'd never seen anyone die before yesterday too.
 
My dad kept a loaded gun in his safe, and the fact that I was even considering using it made me recoil in innate horror. There had to be another way. Like most liberal-minded people, I was aware that every time I ate meat, I was partially responsible for the death of an animal. As the vegans like to remind us, meat is murder. I dealt with this unpleasant fact the same way most people do. I tried not to think about it because thinking about it made me feel icky, and I really like tacos. I tried to rationalize that eating a steak wasn't so different from murdering a cow, and if I could kill a cow, I could surely kill a smaller mammal. For better or worse, I was unable to backdoor my way into misanthropy and psychopathy, and I spent the rest of the day feeling shitty about my escargot a la gasoline.
 
I exhausted myself in the following days brainstorming possible options. My parents thought I was despondent because I'd seen a violent death up close and personal. It seemed prudent to let them believe that instead of admitting I was trying to work up the nerve to kill a medium sized animal in an ill-conceived plan to experience The Cold and whatever the fuck it was that had made reality ripple. No matter how I tried though, I just couldn't talk myself into it. The closest I'd gotten was acknowledging that I'd be willing to kill an animal in self defense if there were no other options available. It seemed that my plan to experience the supernatural a second time had hit a major stumbling block in the form of me being a little bitch. I found myself drawn repeatedly to the scene of the accident, where I'd sit on the sidewalk in a manner that totally wasn't creepy and stare at the wreath and flowers that had been tied to the stop sign. It was during one of these preternatural musings that I realized, if I couldn't kill a cat or a dog myself, I'd need to find someone that would. The answer that sprung forth was elegant in its simplicity. I needed to get a job at a veterinarian's office. They euthanize animals all the time!
 
Update from the cabin: There's something outside.
submitted by AresWrites to shortstories [link] [comments]


2020.11.20 21:22 Saltonkil most of the entire bee movie script.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.” SEQ. 75 - “INTRO TO BARRY” INT. BENSON HOUSE - DAY ANGLE ON: Sneakers on the ground. Camera PANS UP to reveal BARRY BENSON’S BEDROOM ANGLE ON: Barry’s hand flipping through different sweaters in his closet. BARRY Yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black...oohh, black and yellow... ANGLE ON: Barry wearing the sweater he picked, looking in the mirror. BARRY (CONT’D) Yeah, let’s shake it up a little. He picks the black and yellow one. He then goes to the sink, takes the top off a CONTAINER OF HONEY, and puts some honey into his hair. He squirts some in his mouth and gargles. Then he takes the lid off the bottle, and rolls some on like deodorant. CUT TO: INT. BENSON HOUSE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, yells up at Barry. JANET BENSON Barry, breakfast is ready! CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 1. INT. BARRY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS BARRY Coming! SFX: Phone RINGING. Barry’s antennae vibrate as they RING like a phone. Barry’s hands are wet. He looks around for a towel. BARRY (CONT’D) Hang on a second! He wipes his hands on his sweater, and pulls his antennae down to his ear and mouth. BARRY (CONT'D) Hello? His best friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, is on the other end. ADAM Barry? BARRY Adam? ADAM Can you believe this is happening? BARRY Can’t believe it. I’ll pick you up. Barry sticks his stinger in a sharpener. SFX: BUZZING AS HIS STINGER IS SHARPENED. He tests the sharpness with his finger. SFX: Bing. BARRY (CONT’D) Looking sharp. ANGLE ON: Barry hovering down the hall, sliding down the staircase bannister. Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, is in the kitchen. JANET BENSON Barry, why don’t you use the stairs? Your father paid good money for those. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 2. BARRY Sorry, I’m excited. Barry’s father, MARTIN BENSON, ENTERS. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE, “Queen gives birth to thousandtuplets: Resting Comfortably.” MARTIN BENSON Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, Son. And a perfect report card, all B’s. JANET BENSON (mushing Barry’s hair) Very proud. BARRY Ma! I’ve got a thing going here. Barry re-adjusts his hair, starts to leave. JANET BENSON You’ve got some lint on your fuzz. She picks it off. BARRY Ow, that’s me! MARTIN BENSON Wave to us. We’ll be in row 118,000. Barry zips off. BARRY Bye! JANET BENSON Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! CUT TO: SEQ. 750 - DRIVING TO GRADUATION EXT. BEE SUBURB - MORNING A GARAGE DOOR OPENS. Barry drives out in his CAR. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 3. ANGLE ON: Barry’s friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, standing by the curb. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE: “Frisbee Hits Hive: Internet Down. Bee-stander: “I heard a sound, and next thing I knew...wham-o!.” Barry drives up, stops in front of Adam. Adam jumps in. BARRY Hey, Adam. ADAM Hey, Barry. (pointing at Barry’s hair) Is that fuzz gel? BARRY A little. It’s a special day. Finally graduating. ADAM I never thought I’d make it. BARRY Yeah, three days of grade school, three days of high school. ADAM Those were so awkward. BARRY Three days of college. I’m glad I took off one day in the middle and just hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM You did come back different. They drive by a bee who’s jogging. ARTIE Hi Barry! BARRY (to a bee pedestrian) Hey Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. Barry and Adam drive from the suburbs into the city. ADAM Hey, did you hear about Frankie? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 4. BARRY Yeah. ADAM You going to his funeral? BARRY No, I’m not going to his funeral. Everybody knows you sting someone you die, you don’t waste it on a squirrel. He was such a hot head. ADAM Yeah, I guess he could’ve just gotten out of the way. The DRIVE through a loop de loop. BARRY AND ADAM Whoa...Whooo...wheee!! ADAM I love this incorporating the amusement park right into our regular day. BARRY I guess that’s why they say we don’t need vacations. CUT TO: SEQ. 95 - GRADUATION EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - CONTINUOUS Barry and Adam come to a stop. They exit the car, and fly over the crowd to their seats. * BARRY * (re: graduation ceremony) * Boy, quite a bit of pomp...under * the circumstances. * They land in their seats. BARRY (CONT’D) Well Adam, today we are men. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 5. ADAM We are. BARRY Bee-men. ADAM Amen! BARRY Hallelujah. Barry hits Adam’s forehead. Adam goes into the rapture. An announcement comes over the PA. ANNOUNCER (V.O) Students, faculty, distinguished bees...please welcome, Dean Buzzwell. ANGLE ON: DEAN BUZZWELL steps up to the podium. The podium has a sign that reads: “Welcome Graduating Class of:”, with train-station style flipping numbers after it. BUZZWELL Welcome New Hive City graduating class of... The numbers on the podium change to 9:15. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) ...9:15. (he clears his throat) And that concludes our graduation ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries. BARRY Are we going to pick our job today? ADAM I heard it’s just orientation. The rows of chairs change in transformer-like mechanical motion to Universal Studios type tour trams. Buzzwell walks off stage. BARRY (re: trams) Whoa, heads up! Here we go. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 6. SEQ. 125 - “FACTORY” FEMALE VOICE (V.O) Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. (in Spanish) Dejen las manos y antennas adentro del tram a todos tiempos. BARRY I wonder what it’s going to be like? ADAM A little scary. Barry shakes Adam. BARRY AND ADAM AAHHHH! The tram passes under SIGNS READING: “Honex: A Division of Honesco: A Part of the Hexagon Group.” TRUDY Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco, and a part of the Hexagon group. BARRY This is it! The Honex doors OPEN, revealing the factory. BARRY (CONT’D) Wow. TRUDY We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant pollen jocks bring the nectar to the hive where our top secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent adjusted and bubble contoured into this... Trudy GRABS a TEST TUBE OF HONEY from a technician. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 7. TRUDY (CONT’D) ...soothing, sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow, you all know as... EVERYONE ON THE TRAM (in unison) H-o-n-e-y. Trudy flips the flask into the crowd, and laughs as they all scramble for it. ANGLE ON: A GIRL BEE catching the honey. ADAM (sotto) That girl was hot. BARRY (sotto) She’s my cousin. ADAM She is? BARRY Yes, we’re all cousins. ADAM Right. You’re right. TRUDY At Honex, we also constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress testing a new helmet technology. ANGLE ON: A STUNT BEE in a HELMET getting hit with a NEWSPAPER, then a SHOE, then a FLYSWATTER. He gets up, and gives a “thumb’s up”. The graduate bees APPLAUD. ADAM (re: stunt bee) What do you think he makes? BARRY Not enough. TRUDY And here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 8. BARRY Wow, what does that do? TRUDY Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ANGLE ON: The Krelman machine. Bees with hand-shaped hats on, rotating around a wheel to catch drips of honey. Adam’s hand shoots up. ADAM Can anyone work on the Krelman? TRUDY Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. There are over 3000 different bee occupations. But choose carefully, because you’ll stay in the job that you pick for the rest of your life. The bees CHEER. ANGLE ON: Barry’s smile dropping slightly. BARRY The same job for the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. ADAM What’s the difference? TRUDY And you’ll be happy to know that bees as a species haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. BARRY So you’ll just work us to death? TRUDY (laughing) We’ll sure try. Everyone LAUGHS except Barry. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 9. The tram drops down a log-flume type steep drop. Cameras flash, as all the bees throw up their hands. The frame freezes into a snapshot. Barry looks concerned. The tram continues through 2 doors. FORM DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 175 - “WALKING THE HIVE” INT. HONEX LOBBY ANGLE ON: The log-flume photo, as Barry looks at it. ADAM Wow. That blew my mind. BARRY (annoyed) “What’s the difference?” Adam, how could you say that? One job forever? That’s an insane choice to have to make. ADAM Well, I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY But Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM Barry, why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. They walk by a newspaper stand with A SANDWICH BOARD READING: “Bee Goes Berserk: Stings Seven Then Self.” ANGLE ON: A BEE filling his car’s gas tank from a honey pump. He fills his car some, then takes a swig for himself. NEWSPAPER BEE (to the bee guzzling gas) Hey! Barry and Adam begin to cross the street. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 10. BARRY Yeah but Adam, did you ever think that maybe things work a little too well around here? They stop in the middle of the street. The traffic moves perfectly around them. ADAM Like what? Give me one example. BARRY (thinks) ...I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. They walk off. SEQ. 400 - “MEET THE JOCKS” SFX: The SOUND of Pollen Jocks. PAN DOWN from the Honex statue. J-GATE ANNOUNCER Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY Wait a second. Check it out. Hey, hey, those are Pollen jocks. ADAM Wow. FOUR PATROL BEES FLY in through the hive’s giant Gothic entrance. The Patrol Bees are wearing fighter pilot helmets with black visors. ADAM (CONT’D) I’ve never seen them this close. BARRY They know what it’s like to go outside the hive. ADAM Yeah, but some of them don’t come back. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 11. The nectar from the pollen jocks is removed from their backpacks, and loaded into trucks on their way to Honex. A SMALL CROWD forms around the Patrol Bees. Each one has a PIT CREW that takes their nectar. Lou Loduca hurries a pit crew along: LOU LODUCA You guys did great! You’re monsters. You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it! SCHOOL GIRLS are jumping up and down and squealing nearby. BARRY I wonder where those guys have just been? ADAM I don’t know. BARRY Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who-knows-where, doing who-knows-what. ADAM You can’t just decide one day to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. BARRY Right. Pollen Jocks cross in close proximity to Barry and Adam. Some pollen falls off, onto Barry and Adam. BARRY (CONT’D) Look at that. That’s more pollen than you and I will ever see in a lifetime. ADAM (playing with the pollen) It’s just a status symbol. I think bees make too big a deal out of it. BARRY Perhaps, unless you’re wearing it, and the ladies see you wearing it. ANGLE ON: Two girl bees. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 12. ADAM Those ladies? Aren’t they our cousins too? BARRY Distant, distant. ANGLE ON: TWO POLLEN JOCKS. JACKSON Look at these two. SPLITZ Couple of Hive Harrys. JACKSON Let’s have some fun with them. The pollen jocks approach. Barry and Adam continue to talk to the girls. GIRL 1 It must be so dangerous being a pollen jock. BARRY Oh yeah, one time a bear had me pinned up against a mushroom. He had one paw on my throat, and with the other he was slapping me back and forth across the face. GIRL 1 Oh my. BARRY I never thought I’d knock him out. GIRL 2 (to Adam) And what were you doing during all of this? ADAM Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. The girl swipes some pollen off of Adam with a finger. BARRY (re: pollen) I can autograph that if you want. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 13. JACKSON Little gusty out there today, wasn’t it, comrades? BARRY Yeah. Gusty. BUZZ You know, we’re going to hit a sunflower patch about six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY Six miles, huh? ADAM (whispering) Barry. BUZZ It’s a puddle-jump for us. But maybe you’re not up for it. BARRY Maybe I am. ADAM (whispering louder) You are not! BUZZ We’re going, oh-nine hundred at JGate. ADAM (re: j-gate) Whoa. BUZZ (leaning in, on top of Barry) What do you think, Buzzy Boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY I might be. It all depends on what oh-nine hundred means. CUT TO: SEQ. 450 - “THE BALCONY” "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 14. INT. BENSON HOUSE BALCONY - LATER Barry is standing on the balcony alone, looking out over the city. Martin Benson ENTERS, sneaks up behind Barry and gooses him in his ribs. MARTIN BENSON Honex! BARRY Oh, Dad. You surprised me. MARTIN BENSON (laughing) Have you decided what you’re interested in, Son? BARRY Well, there’s a lot of choices. MARTIN BENSON But you only get one. Martin LAUGHS. BARRY Dad, do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN BENSON Son, let me tell you something about stirring. (making the stirring motion) You grab that stick and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm, it’s a beautiful thing. BARRY You know dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn’t right for me. MARTIN BENSON And you were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That’s a bad job for a guy with a stinger. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 15. BARRY Well no... MARTIN BENSON Janet, your son’s not sure he wants to go into honey. JANET BENSON Oh Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY I’m not trying to be funny. MARTIN BENSON You’re not funny, you’re going into honey. Our son, the stirrer. JANET BENSON You’re going to be a stirrer?! BARRY No one’s listening to me. MARTIN BENSON Wait until you see the sticks I have for you. BARRY I can say anything I want right now. I’m going to get an ant tattoo. JANET BENSON Let’s open some fresh honey and celebrate. BARRY Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax! MARTIN BENSON (toasting) To honey! BARRY Shave my antennae! JANET BENSON To honey! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 16. BARRY Shack up with a grasshopper, get a gold tooth, and start calling everybody “Dawg.” CUT TO: SEQ. 760 - “JOB PLACEMENT” EXT. HONEX LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: A BEE BUS STOP. One group of bees stands on the pavement, as another group hovers above them. A doubledecker bus pulls up. The hovering bees get on the top level, and the standing bees get on the bottom. Barry and Adam pull up outside of Honex. ADAM I can’t believe we’re starting work today. BARRY Today’s the day. Adam jumps out of the car. ADAM (O.C) Come on. All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY Yeah, right... ANGLE ON: A BOARD READING: “JOB PLACEMENT BOARD”. Buzzwell, the Bee Processor, is at the counter. Another BEE APPLICANT, SANDY SHRIMPKIN is EXITING. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Is it still available? BUZZWELL Hang on. (he looks at changing numbers on the board) Two left. And...one of them’s yours. Congratulations Son, step to the side please. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 17. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Yeah! ADAM (to Sandy, leaving) What did you get? SANDY SHRIMPKIN Picking the crud out. That is stellar! ADAM Wow. BUZZWELL (to Adam and Barry) Couple of newbies? ADAM Yes Sir. Our first day. We are ready. BUZZWELL Well, step up and make your choice. ANGLE ON: A CHART listing the different sectors of Honex. Heating, Cooling, Viscosity, Krelman, Pollen Counting, Stunt Bee, Pouring, Stirrer, Humming, Regurgitating, Front Desk, Hair Removal, Inspector No. 7, Chef, Lint Coordinator, Stripe Supervisor, Antennae-ball polisher, Mite Wrangler, Swatting Counselor, Wax Monkey, Wing Brusher, Hive Keeper, Restroom Attendant. ADAM (to Barry) You want to go first? BARRY No, you go. ADAM Oh my. What’s available? BUZZWELL Restroom attendant is always open, and not for the reason you think. ADAM Any chance of getting on to the Krelman, Sir? BUZZWELL Sure, you’re on. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 18. He plops the KRELMAN HAT onto Adam’s head. ANGLE ON: The job board. THE COLUMNS READ: “OCCUPATION” “POSITIONS AVAILABLE”, and “STATUS”. The middle column has numbers, and the right column has job openings flipping between “open”, “pending”, and “closed”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) Oh, I’m sorry. The Krelman just closed out. ADAM Oh! He takes the hat off Adam. BUZZWELL Wax Monkey’s always open. The Krelman goes from “Closed” to “Open”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) And the Krelman just opened up again. ADAM What happened? BUZZWELL Well, whenever a bee dies, that’s an opening. (pointing at the board) See that? He’s dead, dead, another dead one, deady, deadified, two more dead. Dead from the neck up, dead from the neck down. But, that’s life. ANGLE ON: Barry’s disturbed expression. ADAM (feeling pressure to decide) Oh, this is so hard. Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector no. 7, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, antenna-ball polisher, mite wrangler-- Barry, Barry, what do you think I should-- Barry? Barry? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 19. Barry is gone. CUT TO: SEQ. 775 - “LOU LODUCA SPEECH” EXT. J-GATE - SAME TIME Splitz, Jackson, Buzz, Lou and two other BEES are going through final pre-flight checks. Barry ENTERS. LOU LODUCA Alright, we’ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine. Geranium window box on Sutton Place... Barry’s antennae rings, like a phone. ADAM (V.O) What happened to you? Where are you? Barry whispers throughout. BARRY I’m going out. ADAM (V.O) Out? Out where? BARRY Out there. ADAM (V.O) (putting it together) Oh no. BARRY I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM (V.O) You’re going to die! You’re crazy! Hello? BARRY Oh, another call coming in. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 20. ADAM (V.O) You’re cra-- Barry HANGS UP. ANGLE ON: Lou Loduca. LOU LODUCA If anyone’s feeling brave, there’s a Korean Deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. BARRY (timidly) Hey guys. BUZZ Well, look at that. SPLITZ Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LODUCA (to Barry) Hold it son, flight deck’s restricted. JACKSON It’s okay Lou, we’re going to take him up. Splitz and Jackson CHUCKLE. LOU LODUCA Really? Feeling lucky, are ya? A YOUNGER SMALLER BEE THAN BARRY, CHET, runs up with a release waiver for Barry to sign. CHET Sign here. Here. Just initial that. Thank you. LOU LODUCA Okay, you got a rain advisory today and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, (reading off clipboard) watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears, and bats. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 21. Also, I got a couple reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy’s in a home because of it, just babbling like a cicada. BARRY That’s awful. LOU LODUCA And a reminder for all you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans. Alright, launch positions! The Jocks get into formation, chanting as they move. LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Black and Yellow! JOCKS Hello! SPLITZ (to Barry) Are you ready for this, hot shot? BARRY Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Barry NODS, terrified. BUZZ Wind! - CHECK! JOCK #1 Antennae! - CHECK! JOCK #2 Nectar pack! - CHECK! JACKSON Wings! - CHECK! SPLITZ Stinger! - CHECK! BARRY Scared out of my shorts - CHECK. LOU LODUCA Okay ladies, let’s move it out. Everyone FLIPS their goggles down. Pit crew bees CRANK their wings, and remove the starting blocks. We hear loud HUMMING. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 22. LOU LODUCA (CONT'D) LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Pound those petunia's, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! A FLIGHT DECK GUY in deep crouch hand-signals them out the archway as the backwash from the bee wings FLUTTERS his jump suit. Barry follows everyone. SEQ. 800 - “FLYING WITH THE JOCKS” The bees climb above tree tops in formation. Barry is euphoric. BARRY Whoa! I’m out! I can’t believe I’m out! So blue. Ha ha ha! (a beat) I feel so fast...and free. (re: kites in the sky) Box kite! Wow! They fly by several bicyclists, and approach a patch of flowers. BARRY (CONT'D) Flowers! SPLITZ This is blue leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around thirty degrees and hold. BARRY (sotto) Roses. JACKSON Thirty degrees, roger, bringing it around. Many pollen jocks break off from the main group. They use their equipment to collect nectar from flowers. Barry flies down to watch the jocks collect the nectar. JOCK Stand to the side kid, it’s got a bit of a kick. The jock fires the gun, and recoils. Barry watches the gun fill up with nectar. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 23. BARRY Oh, that is one Nectar Collector. JOCK You ever see pollination up close? BARRY No, Sir. He takes off, and the excess pollen dust falls causing the flowers to come back to life. JOCK (as he pollinates) I pick some pollen up over here, sprinkle it over here, maybe a dash over there, pinch on that one...see that? It’s a little bit of magic, ain’t it? The FLOWERS PERK UP as he pollinates. BARRY Wow. That’s amazing. Why do we do that? JOCK ...that’s pollen power, Kid. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY Cool. The Jock WINKS at Barry. Barry rejoins the other jocks in the sky. They swoop in over a pond, kissing the surface. We see their image reflected in the water; they’re really moving. They fly over a fountain. BUZZ I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow, could be daisies. Don’t we need those? SPLITZ Copy that visual. We see what appear to be yellow flowers on a green field. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 24. They go into a deep bank and dive. BUZZ Hold on, one of these flowers seems to be on the move. SPLITZ Say again...Are you reporting a moving flower? BUZZ Affirmative. SEQ. 900 - “TENNIS GAME” The pollen jocks land. It is a tennis court with dozens of tennis balls. A COUPLE, VANESSA and KEN, plays tennis. The bees land right in the midst of a group of balls. KEN (O.C) That was on the line! The other bees start walking around amongst the immense, yellow globes. SPLITZ This is the coolest. What is it? They stop at a BALL on a white line and look up at it. JACKSON I don’t know, but I’m loving this color. SPLITZ (smelling tennis ball) Smells good. Not like a flower. But I like it. JACKSON Yeah, fuzzy. BUZZ Chemical-y. JACKSON Careful, guys, it’s a little grabby. Barry LANDS on a ball and COLLAPSES. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 25. BARRY Oh my sweet lord of bees. JACKSON Hey, candy brain, get off there! Barry attempts to pulls his legs off, but they stick. BARRY Problem! A tennis shoe and a hand ENTER FRAME. The hand picks up the ball with Barry underneath it. BARRY (CONT'D) Guys! BUZZ This could be bad. JACKSON Affirmative. Vanessa walks back to the service line, BOUNCES the ball. Each time it BOUNCES, the other bees cringe and GASP. ANGLE ON: Barry, terrified. Pure dumb luck, he’s not getting squished. BARRY (with each bounce) Very close...Gonna Hurt...Mamma’s little boy. SPLITZ You are way out of position, rookie. ANGLE ON: Vanessa serving. We see Barry and the ball up against the racket as she brings it back. She tosses the ball into the air; Barry’s eyes widen. The ball is STRUCK, and the rally is on. KEN Coming in at you like a missile! Ken HITS the ball back. Barry feels the g-forces. ANGLE ON: The Pollen Jocks watching Barry pass by them in SLOW MOTION. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 26. BARRY (in slow motion) Help me! JACKSON You know, I don't think these are flowers. SPLITZ Should we tell him? JACKSON I think he knows. BARRY (O.S) What is this?! Vanessa HITS a high arcing lob. Ken waits, poised for the return. We see Barry having trouble maneuvering the ball from fatigue. KEN (overly confident) Match point! ANGLE ON: Ken running up. He has a killer look in his eyes. He’s going to hit the ultimate overhead smash. KEN (CONT'D) You can just start packing up Honey, because I believe you’re about to eat it! ANGLE ON: Pollen Jocks. JACKSON Ahem! Ken is distracted by the jock. KEN What? No! He misses badly. The ball rockets into oblivion. Barry is still hanging on. ANGLE ON: Ken, berating himself. KEN (CONT’D) Oh, you cannot be serious. We hear the ball WHISTLING, and Barry SCREAMING. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 27. BARRY Yowser!!! SEQ. 1000 - “SUV” The ball flies through the air, and lands in the middle of the street. It bounces into the street again, and sticks in the grille of an SUV. INT. CAR ENGINE - CONTINUOUS BARRY’S POV: the grille of the SUV sucks him up. He tumbles through a black tunnel, whirling vanes, and pistons. BARRY AHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHHHH!! EECHHH!! AHHHHHH!! Barry gets chilled by the A/C system, and sees a frozen grasshopper. BARRY (CONT’D) (re: grasshopper) Eww, gross. CUT TO: INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS The car is packed with a typical suburban family: MOTHER, FATHER, eight-year old BOY, LITTLE GIRL in a car seat and a GRANDMOTHER. A big slobbery DOG is behind a grate. Barry pops into the passenger compartment, hitting the Mother’s magazine. MOTHER There’s a bee in the car! They all notice the bee and start SCREAMING. BARRY Aaahhhh! Barry tumbles around the car. We see the faces from his POV. MOTHER Do something! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 28. FATHER I’m driving! Barry flies by the little girl in her CAR SEAT. She waves hello. LITTLE GIRL Hi, bee. SON He’s back here! He’s going to sting me! The car SWERVES around the road. Barry flies into the back, where the slobbery dog SNAPS at him. Barry deftly avoids the jaws and gross, flying SPITTLE. MOTHER Nobody move. If you don’t move, he won’t sting you. Freeze! Everyone in the car freezes. Barry freezes. They stare at each other, eyes going back and forth, waiting to see who will make the first move. Barry blinks. GRANNY He blinked! Granny pulls out a can of HAIR SPRAY. SON Spray him, Granny! Granny sprays the hair spray everywhere. FATHER What are you doing? GRANNY It’s hair spray! Extra hold! MOTHER Kill it! Barry gets sprayed back by the hair spray, then sucked out of the sunroof. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 29. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS BARRY Wow. The tension level out here is unbelievable. I’ve got to get home. As Barry flies down the street, it starts to RAIN. He nimbly avoids the rain at first. BARRY (CONT’D) Whoa. Whoa! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in-- A couple of drops hit him, his wings go limp and he starts falling. BARRY (CONT'D) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Barry sees a window ledge and aims for it and just makes it. Shivering and exhausted, he crawls into an open window as it CLOSES. SEQ. 1100 - “VANESSA SAVES BARRY” INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Inside the window, Barry SHAKES off the rain like a dog. Vanessa, Ken, Andy, and Anna ENTER the apartment. VANESSA Ken, can you close the window please? KEN Huh? Oh. (to Andy) Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? It folds out. Ken holds up his brochure, with photos of himself, and a resume in the middle. ANGLE ON: Barry hiding behind the curtains, as Ken CLOSES THE WINDOW. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 30. BARRY Oh no, more humans. I don’t need this. Barry HOVERS up into the air and THROWS himself into the glass. BARRY (CONT’D) (dazed) Ow! What was that? He does it again, and then multiple more times. BARRY (CONT'D) Maybe this time...this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time. Barry JUMPS onto the drapes. BARRY (CONT'D) (out of breath) Drapes! (then, re: glass) That is diabolical. KEN It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top ten favorite movies. ANDY What’s your number one? Star Wars? KEN Ah, I don’t go for that, (makes Star Wars noises), kind of stuff. ANGLE ON: Barry. BARRY No wonder we’re not supposed to talk to them. They’re out of their minds. KEN When I walk out of a job interview they’re flabbergasted. They can’t believe the things I say. Barry looks around and sees the LIGHT BULB FIXTURE in the middle of the ceiling. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 31. BARRY (re: light bulb) Oh, there’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out. Barry takes off and heads straight for the light bulb. His POV: The seventy-five watt label grows as he gets closer. BARRY (CONT’D) I don’t remember the sun having a big seventy five on it. Barry HITS the bulb and is KNOCKED SILLY. He falls into a BOWL OF GUACAMOLE. Andy dips his chip in the guacamole, taking Barry with it. ANGLE ON: Ken and Andy. KEN I’ll tell you what. You know what? I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Barry’s POV: Giant human mouth opening. KEN (CONT’D) Wait! Stop! Beeeeeee! ANNA Kill it! Kill it! They all JUMP up from their chairs. Andy looks around for something to use. Ken comes in for the kill with a big TIMBERLAND BOOT on each hand. KEN Stand back. These are winter boots. Vanessa ENTERS, and stops Ken from squashing Barry. VANESSA (grabs Ken’s arm) Wait. Don’t kill him. CLOSE UP: on Barry’s puzzled face. KEN You know I’m allergic to them. This thing could kill me. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 32. VANESSA Why does his life have any less value than yours? She takes a GLASS TUMBLER and places it over Barry. KEN Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA I’m just saying, all life has value. You don’t know what he’s capable of feeling. Barry looks up through the glass and watches this conversation, astounded. Vanessa RIPS Ken’s resume in half and SLIDES it under the glass. KEN (wistful) My brochure. There’s a moment of eye contact as she carries Barry to the window. She opens it and sets him free. VANESSA There you go, little guy. KEN (O.C) I’m not scared of them. But, you know, it’s an allergic thing. ANDY (O.C) * Hey, why don’t you put that on your * resume-brochure? * KEN (O.C) It’s not funny, my whole face could puff up. ANDY (O.C) Make it one of your “Special Skills.” KEN (O.C) You know, knocking someone out is also a special skill. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 33. EXT. WINDOWSILL - CONTINUOUS Barry stares over the window frame. He can’t believe what’s just happened. It is still RAINING. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 1200 - “BARRY SPEAKS” EXT. WINDOWSILL - LATER Barry is still staring through the window. Inside, everyone’s saying their good-byes. KEN Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA Uh, yeah sure Ken. You know, whatever. KEN You can put carob chips on there. VANESSA Good night. KEN (as he exits) Supposed to be less calories, or something. VANESSA Bye. She shuts the door. Vanessa starts cleaning up. BARRY I’ve got to say something. She saved my life. I’ve got to say something. Alright, here it goes. Barry flies in. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 34. INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Barry hides himself on different PRODUCTS placed along the kitchen shelves. He hides on a Bumblebee Tuna can, and a “Greetings From Coney Island” MUSCLE-MAN POSTCARD on the fridge. BARRY (on fridge) What would I say? (landing on a bottle) I could really get in trouble. He stands looking at Vanessa. BARRY (CONT'D) It’s a bee law. You’re not supposed to talk to a human. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve got to. Oh, I can’t do it! Come on! No, yes, no, do it! I can’t. How should I start it? You like jazz? No, that’s no good. Here she comes. Speak, you fool. As Vanessa walks by, Barry takes a DEEP BREATH. BARRY (CONT’D) (cheerful) Umm...hi. Vanessa DROPS A STACK OF DISHES, and HOPS BACK. BARRY (CONT’D) I’m sorry. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY Yes, I know, I know. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. VANESSA It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s just, I know I’m dreaming, but I don’t recall going to bed. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 35. BARRY Well, you know I’m sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA Well yeah. I mean this is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean...you’re a bee. BARRY Yeah, I am a bee, and you know I’m not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me and if it wasn’t for you...I mean, I had to thank you. It’s just the way I was raised. Vanessa intentionally JABS her hand with a FORK. VANESSA Ow! BARRY That was a little weird. VANESSA (to herself) I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Yeah. VANESSA I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Anyway... VANESSA And a bee is talking to me... BARRY I just want you to know that I’m grateful, and I’m going to leave now. VANESSA Wait, wait, wait, wait, how did you learn to do that? BARRY What? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 36. VANESSA The talking thing. BARRY Same way you did, I guess. Mama, Dada, honey, you pick it up. VANESSA That’s very funny. BARRY Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry. With what we have to deal with. Vanessa LAUGHS. BARRY (CONT’D) Anyway. VANESSA Can I, uh, get you something? BARRY Like what? VANESSA I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know. Coffee? BARRY Well, uh, I don’t want to put you out. VANESSA It’s no trouble. BARRY Unless you’re making anyway. VANESSA Oh, it takes two minutes. BARRY Really? VANESSA It’s just coffee. BARRY I hate to impose. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 37. VANESSA Don’t be ridiculous. BARRY Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA Hey, you want a little rum cake? BARRY I really shouldn’t. VANESSA Have a little rum cake. BARRY No, no, no, I can’t. VANESSA Oh, come on. BARRY You know, I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms here. VANESSA Where? BARRY Well... These stripes don’t help. VANESSA You look great. BARRY I don’t know if you know anything about fashion. Vanessa starts POURING the coffee through an imaginary cup and directly onto the floor. BARRY (CONT'D) Are you alright? VANESSA No. DISSOLVE
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2020.11.20 13:48 shanabailey Products that I did NOT add to database today - sorted by popularity (20.11.2020)

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Compilation image: https://i.imgur.com/n7DBmzt.jpg
submitted by shanabailey to couponsfromchina [link] [comments]


2020.11.20 00:37 AresWrites The Cold - Part 2

Part 1
 
When I was 17 years old, I lived in an upper middle class neighborhood in Queens, NY. The lawns were kept neatly manicured, beautiful oak trees lined the sidewalks, and school buses dropped off kids after every school day. The neighborhood was a true melting pot, and every summer, the neighbors would pitch in for supplies and a permit to close down the street and have a neighborhood BBQ. The battle of the BBQ was a decade long tradition between a Korean family and a Black family. They would set up their smokers and grills at the end of the culdesac, and the grilloff would begin amid the sounds of music and children laughing and playing in a bouncy castle. The entire neighborhood would stop by for a plate of amazing food, and to vote on who had the best BBQ. The winner got bragging rights for a year and temporary ownership of a stained off-white apron with the single word GRILLMASTER emblazoned on the front in thick black letters.
 
I was walking on the sidewalk, several blocks away from the battle of the BBQ, when I paused at a stop sign. Before I could turn around, a midnight black Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle roared by me going at least 100 mph and blowing through the stop sign as if it wasn't even there. Simultaneously, a white Oldsmobile sedan was crossing the intersection from left to right. The motorcycle, which was colloquially known as a crotch rocket, barely missed the car and sped by, deafening me with the high-pitched whine of a motorcycle engine being redlined. I watched as the driver of the car snapped his head to the left in surprise. At that exact moment, a second motorcycle, which I only saw as a flash of bright green, raced by me going even faster than the first. The second motorcycle slammed into the passenger's side of the car with a horrendously loud BANG. I had no idea car accidents were that loud until I witnessed one right in front of me. It sounded like a bomb had gone off. The motorcyclist flew through the air so fast that it looked like CGI from a bad movie. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and his head slammed into the concrete curb, killing him instantly with what might be described as gratuitous gore. I remember thinking dumbly, “Blood flows down the concrete gutters just like water.”
 
There was a pause then. I looked back to the car, but I could no longer see the driver as the entire right side of the vehicle was a mass of shredded and crushed metal. Broken glass twinkled on the asphalt as I noticed that even the headlights were shattered. In the movies, a woman would scream, bystanders would rush to the aid of the injured, someone would frantically call 911, and sirens would be heard in the distance. None of that happened though. There was a loud bang, an audible crunch as the motorcyclist came to an abrupt stop, and then... nothing. I looked around to see if anyone had seen the collision, and if I'm being completely honest with myself, I looked because I desperately did not want to be the one to render aid. I didn't need to look in order to know that whoever had been in that car was probably mangled beyond recognition. Nobody else was around though. I focused on the motorcyclist again, and that's when I felt The Cold.
 
It hit me with such intensity that I audibly gasped, and then I saw something that's difficult to describe. Have you ever seen that videography technique where there's a mountain in the background, water in the foreground, and the image is split in half horizontally, perfectly mirrored in the water below? Then the water ripples, and it's revealed that the top of the scene is the reflection, not the original, and the camera was upside down the whole time? Well, that ripple is what I saw. It looked like someone had thrown a tiny pebble into reality, and everything rippled like water on the surface of a still lake. The Cold lingered for a single terrifying heartbeat before disappearing as abruptly as it had appeared. A moment later, the ripple was gone too. I stood rooted to the spot for several long seconds before I remembered to call 911.
 
That night, I thought long and hard about what I'd seen, ruminating and feeling guilty that I didn't feel worse about witnessing a human life snuffed out like a candle dropped into the ocean. The bang. The crunch. The Cold. The ripple. As I thought more about it, I recalled that there was a change in what Google assured me was barometric pressure. At the time, I could only relate it to the experience of being in a car when someone slammed the car door, or being in an airplane during takeoff. My ears didn't pop, but it felt like they could have. There was one thing in particular that kept me awake that night. I had seen something in the ripple. I held the memory in my mind, turning, studying, and polishing it. Whatever had happened was presumably connected to the death of the motorcyclist, and possibly because there was no one else around to see it. If The Cold and the ripple happened every time someone died, the world would surely know about it, so something unique had happened here. A little voice in the back of my head whispered that maybe I'm the only one that CAN see it. “I see dead people,” as the strange little boy once told Bruce Willis. By the time I fell asleep the following morning, I knew something about myself with a calm certainty. I was going to have to kill something and see if The Cold came back.
 
As I write this, night is falling and the temperature is plunging even further below zero. I can feel The Cold forcing its way through the walls of the cabin, through the sleeping bag, and through 5 layers of clothing. It seems impossible. Utterly mad. The fire should keep The Cold at bay, but my fire now looks tiny and pitiful when compared to the unknowable and ancient vastness of The Cold outside. I am but a hairless monkey, toying with forces beyond my comprehension. I dare not risk burning my fire any hotter though. Running out of wood would mean certain death. I gently flex my muscles in groups, stretching and straining each part of my body in sequence and then again in reverse order. I'm careful not to overexert myself and break out into a momentary sweat, which would also likely mean death. As cold as it is, it's still not cold enough yet. The only sound I hear is the wind outside as it whispers quiet but earnest promises of death. Fuck you, wind. You want me? Come and get me.
 
I awoke the morning after the accident with curiosity in my heart and murder on my mind. I knew instinctively that the murder part was going to be a problem. The last time I'd hurt an animal, I had been carrying groceries from Costco into the house. I was carrying a repurposed avocado box, stacked high with frozen meats, potatoes, and onions. I tried to set the heavy box on the counter, but I hadn't lifted it high enough. I lifted the box again in an effort to clear the counter and took a half step back, directly onto my dog's paw. Max, my German Shepard, yelped pitifully as I was unable to redirect my momentum and my full weight plus the weight of the heavy groceries crushed his paw beneath the heel of my shoe. He cowered behind me submissively, tail tucked between his legs with his head held low. He only understood that he had gotten too close to the food, and had been severely punished for it. He lowered his ears abjectly, begging for forgiveness, and my heart nearly broke in two. I felt like an absolute monster, and I hugged him for a long time while apologizing profusely. Clearly, I was not cut out to be the next Dexter.
 
Nevertheless, my plan for animal homicide had already grown and sprouted dark fruit, and less than an hour after waking, I found myself standing near the side of my house, staring at a snail with a sense of growing foreboding and deepening unease. The snail was sliming its way up a stack of red stone pavers. Each paver was about two feet long and two inches thick, and there was a stack of them 10 high. I'd like to say that I took a long moment to contemplate what I was about to do, that I had a final crisis of conscience before playing God, but the truth is, I had decided to kill before I even got out of bed that morning. I plucked the snail from the side of the stack, lifted up the top paver, set the snail down, and let the paver fall on it, crushing it instantly with a wet crunch. I stood there silently for a long moment, hoping desperately that I would feel The Cold, see the ripple, or at least experience something other than bemused disappointment. “Well shit,” I thought to myself. I guess I need to try something else. Snails are like, 1,000 times smaller than a person, so I'd need to kill a thousand of them to even have a chance at recreating what I'd seen. I didn't have a thousand snails handy, but I'm an American, not an American't god dammit, so I gathered the snails I could find in an old pickle jar while pondering the most efficient means of committing simultaneous gastropod genocide.
 
I was keenly aware that torturing and killing animals was a glaringly obvious indicator of future homicidal tendencies. I tried to rationalize it by convincing myself that, if I didn't really enjoy it, it didn't really count. After all, this was more science than cruelty, right? Efforts at trying to delude myself proved unsuccessful, and after a morning spent gathering snails, I counted that I had 23 of them in my pickle jar. I stared at their curious little eye stalks for a long time, watching as their eyes would bounce into the glass, recoil, and then tentatively reach out into the world again. I paradoxically considered letting them all go while at the same time contemplating how best to kill them all contemporaneously. Thoughts of genocide led me to musings on poisoned gas, and ultimately, I decided on fire. I set the jar down carefully on the concrete along the side of the house and retrieved the plastic gas can we used for the lawn mower. I poured a finger's worth of gasoline into the jar, lit a match, and dropped it in. The response was an immediate FWOOSH as the gasoline ignited, burning all the snails in an instant. I hoped they hadn't suffered too much. My hopes seem to have done fuckall for them though. They all burned for a brief moment and fell to the bottom of the pickle jar with sad little clinks as their hard, and now toasty, shells impacted the glass. Once again, The Cold did not come. When the glass cooled, I buried the burnt pickle jar in the bottom of the trash bin in the garage and asked myself how much further I was willing to go in my hunt for The Cold.
 
Insects weren't going to cut it I decided. I needed something bigger, like a cat or a dog. I doubted I'd be able to go through with it though. Just thinking about killing a dog made me sick to my stomach. Something else weighed on my mind too. I had never experienced The Cold before, but whatever it was that I had seen in the ripple, I had seen before. It felt like I had seen an actor in a TV show, and I knew I'd seen them in something else, but I couldn't recall exactly where. The question itched at me, grating my nerves with the knowledge that I could be on the verge of uncovering the greatest mystery in human history if only I could remember where I'd seen the ripple. I racked my brain, and the only conclusive fact I settled on was that I had seen whatever it was in real life and not in a book or a movie. The conundrum was amplified by the fact that I was absolutely certain I'd never seen anyone die before yesterday too.
 
My dad kept a loaded gun in his safe, and the fact that I was even considering using it made me recoil in innate horror. There had to be another way. Like most liberal-minded people, I was aware that every time I ate meat, I was partially responsible for the death of an animal. As the vegans like to remind us, meat is murder. I dealt with this unpleasant fact the same way most people do. I tried not to think about it because thinking about it made me feel icky, and I really like tacos. I tried to rationalize that eating a steak wasn't so different from murdering a cow, and if I could kill a cow, I could surely kill a smaller mammal. For better or worse, I was unable to backdoor my way into misanthropy and psychopathy, and I spent the rest of the day feeling shitty about my escargot a la gasoline.
 
I exhausted myself in the following days brainstorming possible options. My parents thought I was despondent because I'd seen a violent death up close and personal. It seemed prudent to let them believe that instead of admitting I was trying to work up the nerve to kill a medium sized animal in an ill-conceived plan to experience The Cold and whatever the fuck it was that had made reality ripple. No matter how I tried though, I just couldn't talk myself into it. The closest I'd gotten was acknowledging that I'd be willing to kill an animal in self defense if there were no other options available. It seemed that my plan to experience the supernatural a second time had hit a major stumbling block in the form of me being a little bitch. I found myself drawn repeatedly to the scene of the accident, where I'd sit on the sidewalk in a manner that totally wasn't creepy and stare at the wreath and flowers that had been tied to the stop sign. It was during one of these preternatural musings that I realized, if I couldn't kill a cat or a dog myself, I'd need to find someone that would. The answer that sprung forth was elegant in its simplicity. I needed to get a job at a veterinarian's office. They euthanize animals all the time!
 
Update from the cabin: There's something outside.
 
Part 3
submitted by AresWrites to shittynosleep [link] [comments]


2020.11.19 21:13 AresWrites The Cold - Part 2

Part 1
 
When I was 17 years old, I lived in an upper middle class neighborhood in Queens, NY. The lawns were kept neatly manicured, beautiful oak trees lined the sidewalks, and school buses dropped off kids after every school day. The neighborhood was a true melting pot, and every summer, the neighbors would pitch in for supplies and a permit to close down the street and have a neighborhood BBQ. The battle of the BBQ was a decade long tradition between a Korean family and a Black family. They would set up their smokers and grills at the end of the culdesac, and the grilloff would begin amid the sounds of music and children laughing and playing in a bouncy castle. The entire neighborhood would stop by for a plate of amazing food, and to vote on who had the best BBQ. The winner got bragging rights for a year and temporary ownership of a stained off-white apron with the single word GRILLMASTER emblazoned on the front in thick black letters.
 
I was walking on the sidewalk, several blocks away from the battle of the BBQ, when I paused at a stop sign. Before I could turn around, a midnight black Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle roared by me going at least 100 mph and blowing through the stop sign as if it wasn't even there. Simultaneously, a white Oldsmobile sedan was crossing the intersection from left to right. The motorcycle, which was colloquially known as a crotch rocket, barely missed the car and sped by, deafening me with the high-pitched whine of a motorcycle engine being redlined. I watched as the driver of the car snapped his head to the left in surprise. At that exact moment, a second motorcycle, which I only saw as a flash of bright green, raced by me going even faster than the first. The second motorcycle slammed into the passenger's side of the car with a horrendously loud BANG. I had no idea car accidents were that loud until I witnessed one right in front of me. It sounded like a bomb had gone off. The motorcyclist flew through the air so fast that it looked like CGI from a bad movie. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and his head slammed into the concrete curb, killing him instantly with what might be described as gratuitous gore. I remember thinking dumbly, “Blood flows down the concrete gutters just like water.”
 
There was a pause then. I looked back to the car, but I could no longer see the driver as the entire right side of the vehicle was a mass of shredded and crushed metal. Broken glass twinkled on the asphalt as I noticed that even the headlights were shattered. In the movies, a woman would scream, bystanders would rush to the aid of the injured, someone would frantically call 911, and sirens would be heard in the distance. None of that happened though. There was a loud bang, an audible crunch as the motorcyclist came to an abrupt stop, and then... nothing. I looked around to see if anyone had seen the collision, and if I'm being completely honest with myself, I looked because I desperately did not want to be the one to render aid. I didn't need to look in order to know that whoever had been in that car was probably mangled beyond recognition. Nobody else was around though. I focused on the motorcyclist again, and that's when I felt The Cold.
 
It hit me with such intensity that I audibly gasped, and then I saw something that's difficult to describe. Have you ever seen that videography technique where there's a mountain in the background, water in the foreground, and the image is split in half horizontally, perfectly mirrored in the water below? Then the water ripples, and it's revealed that the top of the scene is the reflection, not the original, and the camera was upside down the whole time? Well, that ripple is what I saw. It looked like someone had thrown a tiny pebble into reality, and everything rippled like water on the surface of a still lake. The Cold lingered for a single terrifying heartbeat before disappearing as abruptly as it had appeared. A moment later, the ripple was gone too. I stood rooted to the spot for several long seconds before I remembered to call 911.
 
That night, I thought long and hard about what I'd seen, ruminating and feeling guilty that I didn't feel worse about witnessing a human life snuffed out like a candle dropped into the ocean. The bang. The crunch. The Cold. The ripple. As I thought more about it, I recalled that there was a change in what Google assured me was barometric pressure. At the time, I could only relate it to the experience of being in a car when someone slammed the car door, or being in an airplane during takeoff. My ears didn't pop, but it felt like they could have. There was one thing in particular that kept me awake that night. I had seen something in the ripple. I held the memory in my mind, turning, studying, and polishing it. Whatever had happened was presumably connected to the death of the motorcyclist, and possibly because there was no one else around to see it. If The Cold and the ripple happened every time someone died, the world would surely know about it, so something unique had happened here. A little voice in the back of my head whispered that maybe I'm the only one that CAN see it. “I see dead people,” as the strange little boy once told Bruce Willis. By the time I fell asleep the following morning, I knew something about myself with a calm certainty. I was going to have to kill something and see if The Cold came back.
 
As I write this, night is falling and the temperature is plunging even further below zero. I can feel The Cold forcing its way through the walls of the cabin, through the sleeping bag, and through 5 layers of clothing. It seems impossible. Utterly mad. The fire should keep The Cold at bay, but my fire now looks tiny and pitiful when compared to the unknowable and ancient vastness of The Cold outside. I am but a hairless monkey, toying with forces beyond my comprehension. I dare not risk burning my fire any hotter though. Running out of wood would mean certain death. I gently flex my muscles in groups, stretching and straining each part of my body in sequence and then again in reverse order. I'm careful not to overexert myself and break out into a momentary sweat, which would also likely mean death. As cold as it is, it's still not cold enough yet. The only sound I hear is the wind outside as it whispers quiet but earnest promises of death. Fuck you, wind. You want me? Come and get me.
 
I awoke the morning after the accident with curiosity in my heart and murder on my mind. I knew instinctively that the murder part was going to be a problem. The last time I'd hurt an animal, I had been carrying groceries from Costco into the house. I was carrying a repurposed avocado box, stacked high with frozen meats, potatoes, and onions. I tried to set the heavy box on the counter, but I hadn't lifted it high enough. I lifted the box again in an effort to clear the counter and took a half step back, directly onto my dog's paw. Max, my German Shepard, yelped pitifully as I was unable to redirect my momentum and my full weight plus the weight of the heavy groceries crushed his paw beneath the heel of my shoe. He cowered behind me submissively, tail tucked between his legs with his head held low. He only understood that he had gotten too close to the food, and had been severely punished for it. He lowered his ears abjectly, begging for forgiveness, and my heart nearly broke in two. I felt like an absolute monster, and I hugged him for a long time while apologizing profusely. Clearly, I was not cut out to be the next Dexter.
 
Nevertheless, my plan for animal homicide had already grown and sprouted dark fruit, and less than an hour after waking, I found myself standing near the side of my house, staring at a snail with a sense of growing foreboding and deepening unease. The snail was sliming its way up a stack of red stone pavers. Each paver was about two feet long and two inches thick, and there was a stack of them 10 high. I'd like to say that I took a long moment to contemplate what I was about to do, that I had a final crisis of conscience before playing God, but the truth is, I had decided to kill before I even got out of bed that morning. I plucked the snail from the side of the stack, lifted up the top paver, set the snail down, and let the paver fall on it, crushing it instantly with a wet crunch. I stood there silently for a long moment, hoping desperately that I would feel The Cold, see the ripple, or at least experience something other than bemused disappointment. “Well shit,” I thought to myself. I guess I need to try something else. Snails are like, 1,000 times smaller than a person, so I'd need to kill a thousand of them to even have a chance at recreating what I'd seen. I didn't have a thousand snails handy, but I'm an American, not an American't god dammit, so I gathered the snails I could find in an old pickle jar while pondering the most efficient means of committing simultaneous gastropod genocide.
 
I was keenly aware that torturing and killing animals was a glaringly obvious indicator of future homicidal tendencies. I tried to rationalize it by convincing myself that, if I didn't really enjoy it, it didn't really count. After all, this was more science than cruelty, right? Efforts at trying to delude myself proved unsuccessful, and after a morning spent gathering snails, I counted that I had 23 of them in my pickle jar. I stared at their curious little eye stalks for a long time, watching as their eyes would bounce into the glass, recoil, and then tentatively reach out into the world again. I paradoxically considered letting them all go while at the same time contemplating how best to kill them all contemporaneously. Thoughts of genocide led me to musings on poisoned gas, and ultimately, I decided on fire. I set the jar down carefully on the concrete along the side of the house and retrieved the plastic gas can we used for the lawn mower. I poured a finger's worth of gasoline into the jar, lit a match, and dropped it in. The response was an immediate FWOOSH as the gasoline ignited, burning all the snails in an instant. I hoped they hadn't suffered too much. My hopes seem to have done fuckall for them though. They all burned for a brief moment and fell to the bottom of the pickle jar with sad little clinks as their hard, and now toasty, shells impacted the glass. Once again, The Cold did not come. When the glass cooled, I buried the burnt pickle jar in the bottom of the trash bin in the garage and asked myself how much further I was willing to go in my hunt for The Cold.
 
Insects weren't going to cut it I decided. I needed something bigger, like a cat or a dog. I doubted I'd be able to go through with it though. Just thinking about killing a dog made me sick to my stomach. Something else weighed on my mind too. I had never experienced The Cold before, but whatever it was that I had seen in the ripple, I had seen before. It felt like I had seen an actor in a TV show, and I knew I'd seen them in something else, but I couldn't recall exactly where. The question itched at me, grating my nerves with the knowledge that I could be on the verge of uncovering the greatest mystery in human history if only I could remember where I'd seen the ripple. I racked my brain, and the only conclusive fact I settled on was that I had seen whatever it was in real life and not in a book or a movie. The conundrum was amplified by the fact that I was absolutely certain I'd never seen anyone die before yesterday too.
 
My dad kept a loaded gun in his safe, and the fact that I was even considering using it made me recoil in innate horror. There had to be another way. Like most liberal-minded people, I was aware that every time I ate meat, I was partially responsible for the death of an animal. As the vegans like to remind us, meat is murder. I dealt with this unpleasant fact the same way most people do. I tried not to think about it because thinking about it made me feel icky, and I really like tacos. I tried to rationalize that eating a steak wasn't so different from murdering a cow, and if I could kill a cow, I could surely kill a smaller mammal. For better or worse, I was unable to backdoor my way into misanthropy and psychopathy, and I spent the rest of the day feeling shitty about my escargot a la gasoline.
 
I exhausted myself in the following days brainstorming possible options. My parents thought I was despondent because I'd seen a violent death up close and personal. It seemed prudent to let them believe that instead of admitting I was trying to work up the nerve to kill a medium sized animal in an ill-conceived plan to experience The Cold and whatever the fuck it was that had made reality ripple. No matter how I tried though, I just couldn't talk myself into it. The closest I'd gotten was acknowledging that I'd be willing to kill an animal in self defense if there were no other options available. It seemed that my plan to experience the supernatural a second time had hit a major stumbling block in the form of me being a little bitch. I found myself drawn repeatedly to the scene of the accident, where I'd sit on the sidewalk in a manner that totally wasn't creepy and stare at the wreath and flowers that had been tied to the stop sign. It was during one of these preternatural musings that I realized, if I couldn't kill a cat or a dog myself, I'd need to find someone that would. The answer that sprung forth was elegant in its simplicity. I needed to get a job at a veterinarian's office. They euthanize animals all the time!
 
Update from the cabin: There's something outside.
 
Part 3
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2020.11.19 04:40 __CarCat__ darkness

You haven't seen the sun in like, forever. So you search for a beach vacation. Sunny beaches, sandy beaches, big beaches, small beaches until you're lost, searching for surfing dogs. But then, you find VRBO, and they search millions of homes to find you the perfect beach house where you all find your own rooms and a grill bigger than your kitchen back home. And, you find that watching the love of your life teach your kids how to dive warms your heart even more than the sun. From beach houses to cabins to condos, find homes that match you at VRBO.
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2020.11.18 18:34 Delilahh12345 More traits of a HV Husband, Father, and Son

I think of my father as HV. Maybe he is just meeting the minimum standards, but I thought I'd list out some of his attributes I admire the most to show what HV men should be doing. I think this is even more incredible considering the fact that he also has told me how self-centered and lazy he used to be before he met mother. He realized before he met her that he would need to stop being selfish if he wanted to get married one day. He also realized that he should be giving to a woman and a family rather than focusing his life on his self. And then he met mother. He said he knew he wanted to marry her from the first because of how smart she was and because their values matched.
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2020.11.18 05:29 m3hchelle_fl I think I might be arrogant and I blame Gordon Ramsey

Hey! I'm just dumping this here. I'm taking a stand up class and I'm hoping to get up there one day and perform. In the meantime I was asked to write another 3-5 minute set for homework, any advice and insight would be super appreciated! Thanks!
Some edits following AwesomeScreenName's advice!
My goal this year was to be a better person so my wife and I started eating better and running. We tried being vegetarian and we did it for about six months. It was great… for about six days.
I really enjoyed it, the problem was finding options when we went out. Plenty of places had “an option” but it was obvious it was only because they were tired of people asking. Like We’d meet friends at a sports bar and grill, and the only vegetarian option would be like the napkin the silverware came in.
I get it though, it’s the South. Everyone is obsessed with meat around us. BBQ especially, it’s a way of life here. The south is known for many thing but above all it’s the BBQ and the meth. The entire southern lifestyle is built on BBQ, guns and meth.
One time we got invited to a cookout and of course I said yes, who doesn’t like an excuse to day-drink on a Tuesday? It’s the South... We’d get there, we’re all hanging out having a good time and then the food is ready. I’ll never forget the look on the host’s face when I said, “No thanks, I’m vegetarian.” You’d have thought I challenged him to a fist fight or said I was a Muslim.
People were really weird about it. In fact, looking back I’d say it was honestly easier to come out as gay than it was to come out as vegetarian. I know it sounds crazy but somehow gay sex pales in comparison to not eating meat. I think it’s pretty ironic though since not eating meat is what lesbians do anyways.
It’s actually surprising though how supportive everyone around me was when I came out. I know that’s not something we’ve got a good track record with here, you know tolerance. It’s one of those words we still don't teach the kids in many parts. But all I heard from many different people was, “We’re so proud of you”; “We support you”; “We’re here for you”; “Can we watch?”; “Do you have an OnlyFans?”
I’m just kidding about that last one. OnlyFans wasn’t around when I came out. Back then if someone wanted to see gay people get fucked they just voted republican.
Yeah so the vegetarian thing didn’t last. That kind of phased out when I wanted to start working out and running. For that you need a low carb and high protein diet which is nearly impossible without meat. At that point, really all you can eat is napkins. The only meat-free option was tofu which also happens to be the most controversial food on the planet. People either love it or want to see you burn in hell for enjoying it. Plus it tastes about as good as though sports bar napkins.
Of course I picked the worst year ever to start working out. 2020 is the only time in history health experts have said avoid going to the gym… So all I could do was run.
Running has been amazing for my physical health, I think? I’ve lost weight and I feel toned, but the extended periods of oxygen deprivation scare me. They call it “Runners High” but I don’t know, it feels less like a high and more like “Moments From Death…”
It’s tough but it’s really good for me. At least that’s what I try to convince myself of when I run. No matter what though, minutes in I always start questioning whether diabetes and obesity could really be worse than this?
I was not overweight, I was the perfect weight. So why was I scared of obesity? I wasn’t.
And I didn’t even eat poorly. In fact I ate pretty well and my health was perfect. Why was I scared of diabetes? I wasn’t.
During one of these runs I had this epiphany. Why was I doing this? The answer hit me harder than the oxygen deprivation: subconsciously, I wasn’t doing this to be a better person. I was doing this to be a better person than everyone else. Being vegetarian and running were like smug little trophies you drop into conversations. I just wanted to feel high and mighty.
Think about it, I told myself. No one gives up on meat and runs for fun, no one. They do it because they think they’re better than everyone else. If you ever ask a vegetarian or runner why they do it and they say something else, it’s only because they don’t feel they owe you the truth.
I was ashamed. So like the millennial I am, I had to find someone to blame my arrogant behavior on. I picked celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey because I’m obsessed with his shows, especially Kitchen Nightmares. If you’re not familiar with either Ramsey or the show, I’ll fill you in. For now just know he’s incredibly and justifiably arrogant.
Kitchen Nightmares is a show where he goes around helping struggling restaurants stay in business. The restaurants are almost always extreme cases. Gordon Ramsey and crew are usually greeted by some owner who claims he has no idea what he’s doing wrong. Then the camera pans around to glaring issues like roaches on the walls, a half caved-in ceiling or it doubles as a day-care center.
The owners live in a different reality. They say stuff like, “We’re in the best part of town, this neighborhood is full of money and they love our food!” In reality, it’s in a deserted, run down strip mall with a parking lot full of “Lock your vehicle and take your valuables” signs. And it’s also some obscure cuisine like an overpriced Japanese-Tajikistani-Paleo fusion restaurant.
And these owners are usually the most easily offended assholes who pretend they didn’t write in and beg to be on the show. I saw this one episode where Gordon Ramsey points out the meatloaf he was served is still raw. The owner is pissed. “Who the fuck are you to walk into my restaurant and tell me my meatloaf is raw, I’d serve that to my mother!” ... “She’s dead. It was food poisoning but if she were here, she’d try that meatloaf again.”
And Gordon Ramsey loves to fight. Just imagine the meanest dog you’ve ever run across. Now picture that dog is a world class chef and these restaurant owners are like cats that strayed into his yard. They never stand a chance with him.
It’s a great show, every episode pretty much goes the same way though. He shows up, offers his support and the owners tell him to fuck off. They yell back and forth for forty-minutes. In the last five-minutes of the episode the owner cowers down and agrees to hire an exterminator and buy a meat thermometer. Then the credits roll. The end.
It’s a fun show but it’s too predictable now. He needs something new, he needs a real challenge. I want to see him go around to the worst chain restaurants in America. I want to see him take on a Waffle House in Arkansas. Something tells me Gordon Ramsey isn’t going like what he sees walking in. Something else tells me the manager won’t give a shit.
I’m picturing he’d walk in and the first thing he’d go after would be the prostitutes in the parking lot. Then he’d move onto the meth dealing in the lobby. And then he’d move onto the elephant in the room… because apparently they’re running an illegal circus too.
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2020.11.18 00:02 MikeJesus If you find a VHS tape titled Professor Egghead's Adventures don't watch it

Teddy’s VHS collection never really came up in conversation. Sure, occasionally I’d say something about the oblique pop culture reference t-shirt he wore, and I recall having a discussion or two about his obsession with 90s sitcoms, but most of our time together was spent talking about the strangeness of the locals.
I originally moved to Prague to squeeze out as much fun out of my 20s as I could in a cost-effective manner. Beer was cheaper than water, rent was infinitely more affordable than San Fran and there’s something to be said about dating in the porn capital of the world. Teddy’s reasons for moving to Prague on the other hand were a bit more cryptic.
Whenever I would ask him about his departure from the states he would wax poetic about the dark gothic streets, about the strangeness of the city, about how he could feel Kafka’s perpetually confused spirit drifting through the subways, but it wasn’t until one rum soaked evening that he gave me something concrete.
‘You can also find some pretty niche VHS tapes here,’ he said, ‘and I like collecting VHS tapes.’
Maybe he wanted me to press the subject further, maybe he wanted to show me his collection, but to be honest I didn’t care.
I liked the dude, he was weird, but I liked him. Frail and covered in adult acne Teddy was funny looking and meek, but the guy had a heart of gold. Whenever I found myself lost in the absurd bureaucracy of the city or was looking for an explanation to the strange customs of the Praguers Teddy was more than happy to help. He moved to the city just a year before me, yet somehow he had managed to get a grasp on the strange consonant filled lingo of the locals and knew of just about every expat friendly gem hidden around the dark alleys.
We were on friendly enough terms to be conflict free roommates and occasionally grab a drink together. I liked the dude. I just didn’t want to enter check out my weird hobby territory.
It wasn’t until he went missing that I saw his collection.
A regular VHS tape fits about four episodes of a twenty-minute show. Judging by the sparse amount of space available in Teddy’s room, he had enough tapes to stay occupied for weeks.
Whilst Teddy was privy to all the drama of my personal life I didn’t know much about his. I never met any of Teddy’s friends, but I presumed he had some. For the first two weeks of his absence I assumed that Teddy just went on some spontaneous hiking trip with some friend I never heard about. One worried phone call from his father dispersed those illusions. Teddy was missing and Teddy only had one friend in Prague – me.
His father flew in from Maryland and for six months he stayed in his son’s cramped room. It was miserable rooming with a grieving father, but the guy continued covering Teddy’s share of the rent and I didn’t want to be soulless. For six months he searched the city for some sort of evidence that his son was alive, but Teddy’s disappearance was total. I had no leads, the police had no leads and after half a year of searching Teddy’s father ran out of hope. Long after it became clear that his son was not coming back Teddy’s father flew back home to hold a memorial service.
They invited me to come and speak at the service, even offered to cover my airfare to Baltimore, but I declined. I didn’t know Teddy well enough to speak to his grieving family and traveling across the Atlantic is about as pleasant as a sleep deprivation experiment. Instead, as his family gathered to mourn, I made my way to Teddy’s VCR.
I was going to put on a random Friends episode, Teddy seemed to have really enjoyed that show, but when I tried to pop in the cassette there was resistance from the machine. The slot was already filled with a different tape.
ADVENTURES OF PROFESSOR EGGHEAD SEASON ONE ep 1 – 4
To pay my respects I figured I’d do my best and try to indulge in Teddy’s weird hobby. I pushed the tape back into the machine and pressed play.
A coffee shop flickered to life on the screen. On first glance there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it; a group of teens gathered with laptops in what looked to be a study group, out by the window two friends had an animated conversation, a small line of people dressed in gray office garb stood in line waiting for their coffee. Yet the longer I watched the coffee shop scene play out the more I noticed something was off.
The teens relentlessly typed away at their computers, but the screens of their laptops were off. The conversation by the window was filled with excited hand gestures and bouts of laughter, yet the two friends made no sound when they moved their lips. The line of office workers stood patiently in line, but no orders were ever filled. The whole coffee shop seemed stuck in the same thirty-second loop that repeated over and over. It was as if everyone was waiting for something. Sitting behind the thick screen of Teddy’s television, I waited as well.
It was faint at first, I even paused the tape to see whether the sound wasn’t coming from my neighbor’s apartment, but soon enough it became clear the noise was originating from the television. Somewhere off screen a live studio audience was clapping and cheering, anticipating the arrival of a beloved character.
Then the door opened and he entered.
The studio audience hollered with joy as he appeared on screen, but my stomach went flush with discomfort. This man, this creature, this thing that stood at the entrance of the coffee shop defied all reason. A face of a human, a desperately tired human, drooped from his egg-shaped body. Over his stubby limbs he wore a dirty lab coat and the sparse nest of hair on his pointed scalp looked like it hadn’t been washed in years, but it was his eyes that stoked true discomfort in my core – bloodshot and lined with yellow grime they stared straight into the camera.
‘I AM PROFESSOR EGGHEAD!’ the abomination screamed in a queer accent drenched in anger, ‘I HAVE COME HERE TO AWAKEN MYSELF FOR ANOTHER DAY OF SCIENCE!’
The studio audience’s joyous clapping turned to wild laughter, yet no one in the coffee shop found the creature’s outburst funny. They all seemed scared.
With rage filled stomps the egg-shaped being lumbered his way past the frightened business folk to the front of the line. ‘I DEMAND BOILED WATER!’ he screamed, ‘I DEMAND BOILED WATER THAT HAS BEEN STRAINED THROUGH CRUSHED BEANS OF THE COFFEE PLANT! IF I AM TO GET ANY SCIENCE DONE ON THIS DAY I MUST HAVE CAFFIENE COURSING THROUGH MY POWERFUL VEINS!’
Everyone in the coffee shop seemed wholly uncomfortable with the existence of the egg-man; his presence radiated a fury throughout the entire establishment, but it was the young barista he was facing who received most of his ire. She looked to be on the edge of a panic attack. ‘I’m sorry sir,’ she mumbled, biting her lip in discomfort, ‘I don’t understand you.’
‘NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE EGGHEAD!’ he screamed, raising the nubs of his arms to the sky, ‘NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND THE EGGHEAD!’
This drove the studio audience wild. A deafening bout of canned laughter boomed from the television. With a deep-seated confusion in my heart, I cut it off with the remote and went on the balcony for a cigarette.
For a while I tried to make sense of why Teddy would watch something so unhinged but those thoughts didn’t stick around for long. Teddy was a weird guy who was into weird things, trying to understand his tastes was just as futile as the six-month search effort. A part of me wanted to believe that he was still hiding somewhere in the smoggy city that stretched out beyond the balcony, but I knew the truth. Teddy was gone, and somewhere out in Baltimore his family was gathered around a corpse-less funeral saying goodbye.
His father cried a lot – just about every night for the first couple of months. It wasn’t until I had to put on headphones to drown out a grown man’s sobs that I realized how thin the walls of the apartment were. Even muffled through blaring music, those two AM howls were scratched into my memory.
Standing on my balcony, alone, hearing faint echos of the man’s wails I realized I needed a drink.
As I rushed out of the house in search of company, however, the television screen in Teddy’s room caught my eye. The screaming egg-creature was still staring at the camera, stuck in an angry shout. If Teddy was around and he sat me down to watch that madness I probably would have lasted longer. A twinge of guilt sparked in my chest for never humoring Teddy's obsession.
As soon as I resumed the tape the café was replaced with a barbershop. Much like the previous scene, there was an air of artificiality surrounding everything on the screen. A heavy middle-aged woman hovered over the single customer that the barbershop had with scissors in her hands, yet she never made a single cut. Another employee was using a broom to clean up the remains of a previous haircut, but he never actually disposed of the hair. He just pushed it around the floor in a circle. Even the bright colored fish in the barbershop aquarium seemed to be swimming around in a steady formation.
The barbershop was stuck in a familiar 30-second loop, waiting for something to happen. After a minute or two the cheering of the studio audience started to reverberate through the quiet room.
‘I AM PROFESSOR EGGHEAD!’ the mad creature raved as he burst through the door, ‘I DEMAND THAT THE DEAD CELLS BE REMOVED FROM MY SCALP WITH SHARP KNIVES SO THAT I CAN BE BORN ANEW!’
His words were much angrier than before, the egg shaped monstrosity was foaming at his mouth with rage, but his eyes still seemed comatose. ‘I AM PROFESSOR EGGHEAD AND I DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION!’ he yelled, impotently waving his short arms. The studio audience found his frustration hilarious.
Everyone in the barbershop was doing their best to look away, but the malformed scientist would not be ignored. He wobbled up to the occupied chair and started to nudge it, making the hairdresser’s job impossible.
‘Please, sir, could you just wait for your turn?’ she finally said, doing her best to look away from his horrible suffering eyes.
‘NO!’ Professor Egghead screamed, ‘I DEMAND ATTENTION NOW! I DEMAND MY SCALP BE CLEANSED OF FILTH SO THAT I CAN WHOLEHEARTEDLY COMMIT MY EGG-SHAPED BODY TO SCIENCE!’
With one swift motion the nightmarish creature grabbed the man in the chair and threw him to the ground. There was stunning force in those stocky limbs of his. With a spine-chilling crack the innocent customer slammed skull-first into the floor. He lay there, unmoving. The studio audience saw the random act of violence as the pinnacle of comedy.
‘THERE ARE NO MORE CUSTOMERS FOR YOU TO SERVE!’ Professor Egghead screeched as a faint trickle of blood crawled across the white floor, ‘IT IS NOW TIME FOR YOU TO SERVE THE EGGHEAD! IT IS NOW TIME FOR YOU TO CLEANSE MY SCALP!’
With clumsy effort the creature climbed up on top of the chair. The hairdresser was extremely distressed, but the audience found the egg-man’s climb to be deserving of raucous applause.
‘BRING OUT THE KNIVES AND ALTER MY APPEARANCE!’ he screamed, kicking his stubby legs in frustration, ‘I AM A BUSY MAN AND THERE IS SCIENCE TO BE DONE! DO WHAT I DEMAND!’
For a moment it looked like the hairdresser was going to say something, like she was going to decline the malformed maniac service, but she reconsidered. With shaking hands she grabbed ahold of the greasy tufts of hair on his oval scalp and started to cut.
‘I AM PROFESSOR EGGHEAD!’ the creature screamed, looking straight into the camera, ‘I ALWAYS GET WHAT I DESIRE! ALL SHALL BE GIVEN TO ME IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!’
It was as if he could see me, as if his tired eyes were reaching past the television screen and trying to bring me into his demented world. The glimpse into Teddy’s confounding media diet was enough for me; I still didn’t understand why the guy would watch the tape but I was certain I wanted to turn it off. I reached for the remote with my sweaty hands, but before I could turn off the television the scene changed again.
For a moment I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me, that I was having some sort of psychotic break with reality, but the longer I looked at the screen the more certain I was of what I was seeing.
I desperately scrolled through my phone searching for Teddy’s father’s number, but I kept my eyes glued to the screen.
A colorful fast-food restaurant flickered to life on the television. The line to the counter stood still, the customers held their burgers in anticipation but never ate and somewhere off in the distance a studio audience started to clap.
Two rings. Teddy’s father picked up right away.
‘I found your son,’ I said.
The red uniform was an unusual choice of clothing, and the beginnings of a patchy beard were starting to grow on his face, but I recognized Teddy right away. He was standing behind the counter, nervous, as if he knew what was awaiting him.
‘You… You found my son?’ said the voice on the phone, shaking with breathlessness, ‘Where? Where is my boy?’
I tried to explain what was happening, but I kept on tripping over my words. The tape, the egg-man, the insane eyes; I didn’t know where to start. Before I could gather my thoughts into something coherent the television exploded in another wave of celebration.
‘I AM PROFESSOR EGGHEAD!’ the fever dream boomed from the screen, ‘I DEMAND THE GRILLED CARCASS OF AN ANIMAL BETWEEN TWO PIECES OF PROCESSED WHEAT! I MUST RECEIVE NOURISHMENT BEFORE I INDULGE IN THE SCIENCE!’
‘I’m sorry sir,’ Teddy whimpered, unsure of how to speak to the monstrosity which waddled towards him, ‘There are other customers, if you just wait your place in line-‘
‘THERE ARE NO OTHER CUSTOMERS THAN ME, PROFESSOR EGGHEAD!’ the creature shrieked as he shoved the innocent bystanders to the floor, ‘I DEMAND FLESH AND BREAD! I DEMAND FUEL FOR MY BODY SO THAT I CAN COMMIT MY MIND TO SCIENCE!’
One by one they crashed head-first into the floor to the crackling joy of the studio audience. Soon enough the egg shaped abomination was face to face with Teddy.
‘You have found my boy?’ cried the voice from the phone, ‘Please, please tell me my boy is safe.’
‘I WILL DESTROY ALL THAT IS IN MY PATH IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!’ the walking nightmare hollered, ‘BRING ME A FEAST WORTHY OF A PHILOSOPHER KING!’
With each uncomfortable twitch of Teddy’s face the audience on screen exploded into another fit of hysterical laughter. I tried to turn down the sound of the television so that I could hear the grieving man on the phone but it was to no avail. With every press of the remote the egg-man shouted louder, with every decreased decibel the studio audience became wilder. Leaving a desperate Teddy flickering on the screen I escaped to the balcony.
‘Please, please do not joke about this,’ he whimpered into the phone, ‘My heart cannot handle cruelty right now.’
I took a deep breath, lit up a cigarette and explained myself. I told him about the tape, about Professor Egghead, about Teddy. All I got in response was silence. I tried to imagine how I would respond if I was on the other side of the phone, how I would make sense of it all, but I couldn’t. I waited for the man’s response with echoes of canned applause playing in the back of mind.
‘This is not a joke?’ Teddy’s father finally asked.
‘No,’ I said, ‘It all sounds crazy but –‘
A wave of dizziness washed through me. My cigarette plummeted down to the streets below. Suddenly the overcast city in front of me was impossibly bright, as if someone had turned on a thousand fluorescent bulbs across the sky. The applause, the canned applause that I thought was a simple memory in the back of my skull had grown to a tangible volume. My legs felt weak. Fearing the balcony railing I stumbled back into my apartment.
‘I AM PROFESSOR EGGHEAD!’ boomed the television, ‘I HAVE ARRIVED TO EXCHANGE MONETARY TOKENS FOR GOODS! I MUST STOCK MY DOMICILE QUICKLY SO THAT I CAN COMMIT THE REST MY TIME ON THIS PLANET TO SCIENCE!’
The audience clapped and laughed but suddenly they went silent. The only thing that I could hear was a gentle, repetitive beep – the beep of a supermarket checkout isle.
‘WHAT IS THIS?’ he screamed, ‘IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE! WHAT IS THIS?’
Past the buzzing lights in front of my eyes I could see a spot of dark. I blindly crawled towards it, desperately hoping to regain my sight.
‘WHERE IS HE?’ Professor Egghead demanded, ‘HOW AM I MEANT TO MAKE A PURCHASE WHEN THE SALES CLERK IS MISSING?’
As I felt my way towards the one part of my universe that wasn’t drenched in eye burning light a tower of cassettes collapsed against my back. I was back in Teddy’s room and I was looking up at the screen.
The television was calming to my eyes but it stirred fear in my heart. I was looking at the florescent-lit checkout line of a supermarket. A trail of blood and bodies led up to an unattended register. A defiant Professor Egghead gripped his shopping cart and stared into the camera with dead eyes.
‘I HAVE TAKEN TEMPORARY LEAVE FROM THE WORLD OF SCIENCE TO PURCHASE GOODS AND THIS IS HOW I AM REWARDED? WHERE IS THE SHOP ASSISTANT? I DEMAND THE SHOP ASSISTANT!’ he screamed. The studio audience was in complete silence, all that could be heard was the gentle beep of a far off checkout machine and the professors labored breathing.
‘WHERE IS HE? I DEMAND ANSWERS! WHERE IS HE?’ spit was flying from his mouth onto the camera, in a show of rage he started jabbing his shopping cart in the direction of the audience. ‘I AM WORLD RENOWNED SCIENTIST PROFESSOR EGGHEAD! I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!’
He wheeled his cart back and forth, foaming at the mouth as if he were a rabid dog, but something behind the camera caught his exhausted eye.
‘Oh,’ he said, his voice losing all its fury, ‘There you are.’
His sudden change of tone made me flinch away from the screen, but his dull eyes followed me.
‘Professor Egghead can see you,’ he said, his eyes still dead tired but his mouth forming into a thin-lipped smile, ‘Come back where you belong. Let me pay for my goods so that I can return to my work in the field of science.’
The clapping resumed again. It was quiet at first, but as the abhorrent grin on the television grew the applause became louder and louder. Whatever was happening the audience loved it.
‘Come on back to Professor Egghead,’ he said, flashing a smile of thin yellowed teeth, ‘I demand attention.’
The light around me reverberated with growing strength, the clapping and cheering and whistling was so loud it felt as if my eyes were about to pop out of my skull.
‘I DEMAND ATTENTION!’ the egg-man screamed, the rage returning to his voice, ‘I DEMAND IT! I DEMAND IT! I DEMAND –‘
The screen went dark, and so did the blinding light. I was back in Teddy’s room; alone and drenched in sweat. For a moment I just lay on the floor, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling, trying to find a loose thread of sanity in an insane world, but before I could even begin to process the madness I had witnessed my phone started to ring.
It was Teddy’s father.
He begged me to turn the tape back on, to rewind and find the image of his lost son, to bring some semblance of hope back into his life, but I couldn’t. I refused to be in the same room as that tape, let alone to watch it again. Whatever was on that cassette was cruel and dangerous. I didn’t want to end up like Teddy.
He offered money, he wept, he got angry, but nothing that he could say or do could make me go back to that hellscape. I offered to mail the tape to him, but the idea of entrusting the footage to the postal service drove the man furious. After two hours on the phone Teddy’s father informed me that he would be flying to Prague and retrieving the VHS tape himself. I didn’t argue with the man, the thought of not being alone with the confounding reality of Professor Egghead even eased my mind somewhat. With a last-minute flight Teddy’s father would be back in Prague in less than two days. I figured I could hold out that long. For a moment I was calm.
But that moment didn’t last long. As I went to sleep that night I couldn’t escape the vision of those dull eyes and that angry mouth. Even as I write this, with the morning sun quietly peeking into my room, the visage of the egg-shaped man still haunts me.
Yet it’s not the mere idea of Professor Egghead that is stealing sleep from me right now, no, there’s something much worse that is keeping me awake. Throughout the night, as I found myself leaving behind my worries and nodding off to sleep, I started to hear things.
I hear beeps. Whenever I am about to fall asleep I hear the gentle beeps of a checkout machine, and beneath those beeps, I hear steadily growing applause. I fear that if I fall asleep, even for a second, I will be transported into the same demented reality where the egg shaped man makes his demands. I fear that I will disappear just like Teddy.
I don’t know how long I can stay awake. I don’t know how to make this stop. All I know is that I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to witness another one of Professor Egghead's adventures.
submitted by MikeJesus to nosleep [link] [comments]


2020.11.17 20:29 _jaxel_ The Album Years - Episode 12 - 1974

https://anchor.fm/the-album-years/episodes/Episode-12---1974-emjqt4

Edit: Spotify Playlist: https://t.co/bpTHTzmaQ8?amp=1
These are the albums i heard mentioned:
Jethro Tull - War Child
Yes - Relayer
Gentle Giant - The Power and the Glory
Egg - The Civil Surface
King Crimson - Starless and Bible Black
King Crimson - Red
Genesis - The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway
Focus - Hamburger Concerto
Camel - Mirage
Peter Hammill - In Camera
Peter Hammill - The Silent Corner And The Empty Stage
Brian Eno - Here Come the Warm Jets
Brian Eno - Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy)
Roxy Music - Country Life
Robert Wyatt - Rock Bottom
Michael Nesmith - The Prison
Willie Nelson - Phases and Stages
Gene Clark - No Other
Shuggie Otis - Inspiration Information
Sly and The Family Stone - Small Talk
Stevie Wonder - Fulfillingness' First Finale
Gil Scott-Heron - Winter In America
Man - Rhinos, Winos and Lunatics
Hawkwind ‎– Hall Of The Mountain Grill
Frank Zappa - Apostrophe
Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band - Unconditionally Guaranteed
Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band - Bluejeans & Moonbeams
Mahavishnu Orchestra - Apocalypse
Miles Davis - Get Up With It
10cc - Sheet Music
Sparks - Propaganda
Sparks - Kimono My House
Electric Light Orchestra - Eldorado
David Essex - David Essex
Todd Rungren - Todd
Van Morrison - Veedon Fleece
Elton John - Caribou
Roy Harper - Valentine
Richard And Linda Thompson ‎– I Want To See The Bright Lights
Tom Waits - The Heart Of Saturday Night
Randy Newman - Good Old Boys
Joni Mitchell - Court And Spark
Neil Young - On The Beach
Tangerine Dream - Phaedra
Franco Battiato ‎– Clic
Kraftwerk - Autobahn
Klaus Schulze - Blackdance
Edgar Froese - Aqua
Cluster - Zuckerzeit
Heldon ‎– Electronique Guerilla
David Bowie - Diamond Dogs
Weather Report - Mysterious Traveller
submitted by _jaxel_ to stevenwilson [link] [comments]


2020.11.17 05:38 TheLazyEyeofSartre I broke down and cried my eyes out within less than five minutes of watching The Good Place again... a bit of a ramble but it has a point.

It was my last day off before I work 7 days a week until after new years, and I wanted to spend some of it cooking. I like cooking, its calming. I put on TV, its time away from my phone which rules my life because of my job (I'm in sales, specifically the liquor business) .
I had a mexican-inspired chicken soup going, I did some tofu, peppers, and onions, I marinated some chicken breasts I'd later grill. Roasted a vegetable mix for dinner, pickled my last habeneros from my garden (they went really late this year)... just general "meal prep" stuff. Plus my friends have Covid, and I wanted to bring them some soup they could just heat up and eat.
I moved back home a year or so ago, and my dad was agitated and fighting with a friend of his who wanted to place bets during the noon hour on a Sunday, and my dad has 6 different fantasy leagues he's in that are worth way more money.
People kept calling him, kept interrupting him, including my brother who just bought a house with his girl friend who I couldn't be happier for but have some feelings about-- and he just got pissed off, not that anyone who called him would ever know. His vibes really fucked with mine though, and while he was perfectly nice and kind to me (he tried to order from a Wawa for us for lunch but couldn't get the app to work which added to his miserable mood), I just wanted him to go away.
I hate my job. I've got a BA in Philosophy and Religion, and a Masters in the Fine Arts--- and I'm a liquor salesman. I do alright, but I'm single and its NJ, so I'm saving up extra before I buy a house since I'm on my own and want to have extra cushion money.
I cannot stress enough how much I hate my job. My boss (who I like) has told me half a hundred thousand times when I tell him how I'm going to approach something that I'm forgetting rule number one: "No one's your friend."
Its not just him who says it, its a joke among the staff.
But its true. I've been fucked out of thousands of dollars by people who went to highschool with my parents, by former employers. Its worse than Game of Thrones in my business.
The bad part is I'm good at it (I refuse to be shady though, to the chagrin of my higher ups), or at least I'm learning fast. Now into my second year, I grow my numbers month by month by 5% or more... and they only ask for 4%. I've sold my soul. By the way, the liquor business is the most corrupt shit I've ever dealt with-- kick backs, free product, you name it. Its NJ baby, corruption is how you *get shit done*.
On top of it, I'm watching my parents descend into old age. My mother is becomming diabetic to the point we thought she was drunk but her blood sugar was goddamn 190 or something like that (she's seen a doctor, its under control mostly).
We've all had covid and it was a nighmare. We're constantly on the brink of catastrophe... I think I've given my family 10-12K in the last two years and I know I'll never get it back. I never wanted it back either, I just wanted to help-- medical bills, car blew out, brother didn't have insurance, prescriptions, roof needs repairing, the well broke (the was like 5K in and of itself), our dog got sick... the list goes on.
So I'm tired, and I put on the Good Place and cook some soup and love that its been long enough that I think I can re-watch the series and have it feel kind of new still. Just relax. You know what makes the pain go away? Home made fuckin' soup stock, that's what. I literally put some in a mug and sipped it.
"You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on earth has ended, and you are now in your next phase of your existence in the universe."
I realized in that moment how bad of a situation I was really in. I realized that here I am, back again, barely able to survive the day. Here I am again, wishing I was dead.
I'm not suicidal, folks. I'd never do that. I've been hospitalized a few times, and am heavily medicated with antidepressants, anti-anxiety medicine, and sleeping pills... but I'm in it for the long haul. I love my dad, and my mom, and my brother and his girlfriend who will one day be my sister in law. I love my friends, especially the two brothers one of whom married my literal best friend and the other who married a woman I'd come to love an instantly click with. The three couples never make me feel out of place or unwanted. I'm not even lonely, really. I kind of like being by myself.
I guess what I have to get off of my chest is this: I'm going back to therapy, I'm really sad and I hate my job and I have nothing to look forward to in life except other people's joys.
But that should be enough. I see the holiness of being a witness, of codifying and making real what is otherwise a subjective experience. I've officiated weddings, I've baked birthday cakes for new humans who aren't even half a decade old.
I have so much to be happy about, that I AM happy about.
But somehow I still feel like a snakeskin, or the shell of a cicada. I can sell your a product, I can charm and wine and dine. I know poems by heart, and a few riddles too. But fuck me do I feel like Richard Corey.
I'm gonna get through this. I'm gonna make it, even if just by helping others, which is all I ever really wanted to do.
I would have been a great preacher. Its a shame all the Jesus stuff is involved with it.
Whoever read this... thanks. That's all I wanted really.
submitted by TheLazyEyeofSartre to offmychest [link] [comments]


2020.11.16 20:29 FaxMeTitPics I thought my new neighbor was my friend, now I'm not so sure.

A new guy moved into my neighborhood last week and I met him while I was walking my dog. We really hit it off and he seemed like a pretty cool dude, and he mentioned that we should hang out sometime. Today I was just chilling at home when he called me and invited me to come over and hang out. I assumed we were just going to have a few beers and chill, but when I walked over to his house there was a solid line of at least 25 people stretching from his front door through his front yard hedge maze out to the street. I got in line and walked in with everyone else, but when I got inside he didn't even say hi. He was on the phone inviting someone else to come hang out and as soon as he was done with that phone call he hung up and continued making phone calls in quick succession. Now I'm standing in the corner compulsively grilling hot dogs and wondering if we were ever friends and why he has so many fireplaces.
submitted by FaxMeTitPics to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.11.15 06:03 quick5hot Shitastic week.

Monday was the best day of my damn week. Tuesday, was the Marine Corps birthday, the day I had some high hopes for. My stepson, home alone because he is doing virtual learning, calls my wife in a panic. We live in a secluded area with only 3 different families, and we all go to the same church. 2 random dudes stopped in front of our house trying to get my stepson to go outside. He locks the door, grabs a hammer, and hides upstairs with the 2 big dogs. Thank the heavens they left, and the neighbors came to check on him immediately after my wife called them. Of course, this has triggered my wife's paranoia. I didn't find out about this until after I finished working late. #attsucks Wednesday, Veterans day, everything that could go wrong at my job, did. I had planned on grilling hamburgers, enjoying some family time, and drinking a few Yuenglings. Nope. I get home after dark, and eat the hamburgers my wife cooked on the stove, an hour before I got home. It was more than a few Yuenglings. Thursday, good news, not. My wife is told, she is about to be off a lot, these next couple of months. She will only be paid for a small portion, of the time she is off. It is right before the holidays, and we are currently trying to close on buying a home. Now isn't the time for this shit. Friday the 13th. Believe it or not, this superstitious day, usually brings me good luck. The same Friday the 13th my nephew was born, the lovely woman I was talking to, agreed to take our relationship to the next level. She is now my wife. But it seems I forgot this year is 2020. I woke up cuddling with my beautiful pet cougar, she prefers tiger, and she asks me to stay home, because it has been such a bad week. Oh how I wish I had listened. Not even 15 minutes after leaving for work, my truck decides that it is a good time to break down. My poor wife, has to come get me off the side of the road, on one of her unpaid days off. I did get off early, but I already knew I would. We had decided beforehand to get quotes for homeowners insurance. Apparently a lot of companies have changed from the loan costs, or appraisal value, to $100 per square foot. It's a big house, the loan payments were already high, but manageable. The insurance costs would be affordable if we lived in a perfect world were income was guaranteed, and nothing went wrong, but not the case. I spent every second we weren't getting quotes, trying to get my truck off the roadside. No luck, everyone with a trailer or dolly is out of town, and the U-Haul place in town shut down. After spraying ether in the intake valve, I confirmed the fuel pump went out. It was getting dark, so we decided to head home. Today. Got the truck towed, so I can work on it. Spent $202 on the fuel pump, because everyone was out of stock except auto zone. I didn't try Napa, because they are going the way of the dodo. I spent my entire afternoon, replacing what appeared to be the stock fuel pump, on a 17 year old truck, with 297000 miles. Kudos to Dodge. I get the truck cranked, just to find out some crackhead, cut off my catalytic converter, the night before. 
Tomorrow, is my 28th birthday. I am spending the whole day at home with my wife. The world can piss off.
submitted by quick5hot to u/quick5hot [link] [comments]